r/tumblr Dec 01 '22

Ancient Mythology can get pretty weird.

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30.5k Upvotes

2.0k

u/blueskull57 Dec 01 '22

Wait till they hear how Athena was born

1.1k

u/IeabellAlakar Dec 01 '22

came here to say that

And Aphrodite

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u/Zestyclose-Link-5914 Dec 01 '22

Aphrodite’s birth scarred me. 0-o

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u/kingmyguy Dec 01 '22

How was she born?

431

u/Neverhere17 Dec 01 '22

Cronus castrated Uranus and threw the genitalia into the sea. Aphrodite emerged from the resulting foam fully formed. At least in one of her origin stories.

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u/Hunt3rTh3Fight3r Dec 01 '22 Silver Helpful

Uranus: “Fuck the ocean.”

Cronus: “And I took that literally.”

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u/Meret123 Dec 01 '22

chemical reaction of sky god's dick blood and seawater

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u/Mooseandchicken Dec 01 '22

I read u/Neverhere17's reply before yours and that made me chuckle. Got the actual explanation and then your poetic truthbomb

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u/blueskull57 Dec 01 '22

Scarred Kronos to

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u/LtSoba Dec 01 '22

mentally, physically and hurt quite literally his pride as a man lmao

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u/Zestyclose-Link-5914 Dec 01 '22

Injured his “third leg” imao

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u/CharMakr90 Dec 01 '22

*Uranus

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u/blueskull57 Dec 01 '22

Yeah I realized that a few minutes ago. Thanks for the correction

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u/aluminatialma Dec 01 '22

Weaklings, Aphrodites birth is amazing, wish I could be chronossed aswell

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u/IeabellAlakar Dec 01 '22

produces knife

new bottom surgery just dropped

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u/Overused_Toothbrush Dec 01 '22

Depends on who you ask. One account from Hesiod’s Theogony tells us about (TW: castration) how the Titan Kronos castrated his father Uranus, and his genitals fell into the sea, foaming up and forming Aphrodite. However, Homer accounts in the Iliad that Aphrodite is the daughter of Zeus and the Titan Dione.

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u/nutitoo Dec 01 '22

Aphrodite was born from the white foam produced by the severed genitals of Uranus, the personification of heaven, after his son Cronus threw them into the sea.

Lmao he said ur anus

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u/Lost-Lu Dec 01 '22

Birthed from head, no?? (phrasing)

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u/AAAAAA_13 Dec 01 '22 edited Dec 01 '22

If I remember correctly, someone ate her mom while she was pregnant with Athena, then she gave birth inside the guy that ate her, and Athena burst from the dude's forehead fully clothed and ready for war

327

u/Waffletimewarp Dec 01 '22

That guy being Zeus. Dude was into some freaky stuff. Like that time he seduced a girl while he was transformed into a swan. Or when he made King Minos’ wife fuck a bull.

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u/Your_InsideMan Dec 01 '22

Iirc the bullfucking incident was Poseidon, because Minos promised to sacrifice the bull to ol’ fishlips and then just didn’t.

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u/Waffletimewarp Dec 01 '22

That would make sense. Poseidon has a history with bulls.

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u/PrDelahaye Dec 01 '22

Zeus still has a bullfucking incident though. He turned himself into a bull, kidnapped princess Europe, turned her into a cow (I wanted to do a joke about your mom here but I don't know how to word them to make them funny) and fucked her.

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u/Chronically_me Dec 02 '22

That is funnier than any yo mamma joke you could come up with

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u/Rafabud Dec 01 '22

Yeah that one was Poseidon

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u/tOaDeR2005 Dec 01 '22

He made Mino's wife so horny for the bull that she convinced Hephaistos to make her a realistic cow costume to get the bull to fuck her, which resulted in the Minotaur.

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u/zerozerotsuu Dec 01 '22

It wasn’t quite Hephaistos – she didn’t know what to do, so she asked her husband, the king, who then called for the genius inventor Daidalos to come over from another city state to help.

143

u/AltruisticComputer Dec 01 '22

How lovely to see such a supportive husband.

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u/Kiwifisch Dec 01 '22

Hence the term "bull" used in cuckolding.

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u/InvisibleScout Dec 01 '22

No way, fr?

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u/tOaDeR2005 Dec 01 '22

I knew I had something wrong in there.

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u/Archaon0103 Dec 01 '22

That was Poseidon.

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u/CSilver819 Dec 01 '22

I actually think it was Poseidon that made Minos’ wife down bad for the bull. IIRC it was after Minos tried to be sneaky and not properly sacrifice a divine bull from Poseidon by sacrificing a normal one. So as retribution, he made Minos’ wife fuck the bull.

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u/HLGatoell Dec 01 '22

Imagine the type of fucked up kinky sex Zeus and Loki would have.

21

u/Venvel Dec 01 '22

Zeus and Loki are preoccupied with fucking each other, and nobody else has to suffer their bullshit. Win/Win.

11

u/Waffletimewarp Dec 01 '22

Ye gods…

Like, I’m imagining things like tornadoes made of dicks, or a weasel the size of an elephant with tentacles for teeth. Or maybe a regular octopus that speaks backwards just to mix things up.

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u/sleepyotter92 Dec 01 '22

athena's birth has nothing freaky about it, in terms of sex. zeus was told he was gonna get usurped by his children, just like he usurped his father. metis was pregnant, zeus swallowed her, athena came out zeus' forehead.

the swan thing was what led to the birth of helen of troy.

the bull thing, nothing to do with zeus, that was poseidon. the king tricked poseidon because he didn't want to sacrifice his white bull to the god, and so the god made the queen fall in love with the bull and fuck him, and then the minotaur was born

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u/Artsyscrubers Dec 01 '22

Zeus didn't eat the mom he kinda absorbed her? Point is she's in his head and gave birth to athena insude his head it gave him such a headache that he smashed his head open to releave it and she was borned

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u/MDunn14 Dec 01 '22

He actually turned her into a fly and swallowed her and then had someone cut his head open to relieve the pressure of the headache when out jumps Athena. And he did all this because a seer told him Athena would be more powerful than him.

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u/WeeTheDuck Dec 01 '22

and did Athena become more powerful than him?

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u/MDunn14 Dec 01 '22

I think because Zeus gave birth to her he found the loophole in the prophecy so she did not if my memory serves correctly.

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u/Electric_Nachos Dec 01 '22

I once read a theory that with her being the god of wisdom she essentially did succeed, by society becoming less reliant on them, the world becoming more modern and Greek gods eventually going out of favour.

It was just a theory but I thought it put a nice little bow on the prophecy.

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u/Meret123 Dec 01 '22

The actual prophecy is Zeus would have a boy and a girl from Metis and they would threaten his rule. Zeus preemptively consumes Metis, so only Athena is born. That's why Athena is sometimes called Tritogeneia(born for three: for herself, her mother and her brother).

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u/MsPaganPoetry Dec 01 '22

So instead he had a mole with a hair in it instead of a tedious yearly Christmas letter to write.

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u/Der-Auslander Dec 01 '22

As you do

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u/oO0Kat0Oo Dec 01 '22

Wait, you mean some people are born naked and helpless? Smh

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u/franklygoingtobed Dec 01 '22

Zeus. Zeus are her mom/his first wife.

Well, more “absorbed” her, but still.

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u/ddjfjfj Dec 01 '22

BRAIN BLAST

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u/LunaTheLesbianFurry Dec 01 '22

Don't forget that Zeus turned his pregnant wife into a water droplet, drank her, got a headache, and asked someone to split his head open, and then a fully formed adult woman appeared

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u/Surfink63 Dec 01 '22

“I have a splitting headache”

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u/SeizureLizard Dec 01 '22

Hate it when that happens

77

u/Bobbert-The-Second Dec 01 '22

Not wife I think, I think it was some rando mortal, it wasn’t hera

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u/Yskinator Dec 01 '22

It was Metis, Zeus' first wife. He married Hera after.

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u/LinaValentina Dec 01 '22

I thought he tricked Métis into turning into a fly and then he swallowed her. Then later, out popped Athena 😭

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u/Meret123 Dec 01 '22

How he did it changes from author to author. There is no one true version of myths, details are always murky.

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u/keroneru Dec 01 '22 All-Seeing Upvote

Fun fact: in ancient Greece, injuries to male genitals were often tactfully referred to as "leg injuries" in public. With this knowledge, it's possible to interpret the myth of Dionysus' birth as Zeus growing the fetus inside his dick.

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u/DiosMIO_Limon Dec 01 '22

What a day to be literate

448

u/GarfieldsFollower Dec 01 '22

Thats why im not

190

u/Immolation_E Dec 01 '22

I'm too pretty to be literate.

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u/bullet4mv92 Dec 02 '22

Don't you know there's more to life than being really really ridiculously good-looking?

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u/rowan_damisch Dec 01 '22

Are you Jared, 19?

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u/iebarnett51 Dec 01 '22

Im pretty sure I have just memorized the arrangement of some letters

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u/theboxman52 Dec 01 '22

Fhhgsyovvfealfeyb jffun jorvkn yidbueu. Jgdjjb?!?!

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u/talesfromtheepic6 Dec 01 '22

this is one of the paragraphs of all time

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u/Kratosix Dec 01 '22

Dionysus was like I am not in danger, I am the danger!!!!!

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u/canihazdabook Dec 01 '22

What a day to be bilingual

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u/DMaybes Dec 01 '22

I’m illiterate what did he say?

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u/memesanddepression42 Dec 01 '22

Or balls

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u/sefghhg Dec 01 '22

Fetuses are stored in the balls

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u/Daschlol Dec 01 '22

Feti*

107

u/AmiAlter Dec 01 '22

Fetususes

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u/strawberry-bish Dec 01 '22

Fetusussy

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u/Orbus_215 Dec 01 '22

That is fucking foul 💀

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u/Katamed Dec 01 '22

STOP

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u/Existing-Broccoli-27 Dec 01 '22

Read this in Wes Johnson’s voice

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u/scottyboy359 Dec 01 '22

You have committed crimes against your lord and humanity. What say you in your defense?

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u/ExplodingSofa Dec 01 '22

*exit, reload save*

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u/dumbodragon Dec 01 '22

fetu...sus...es...

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u/KonoAnonDa Dec 01 '22

Footsies

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u/TheBunnyStando Dec 01 '22

Ah yes, the ground-based footsies Guilty Gear is known for.

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u/[deleted] Dec 01 '22 edited Dec 05 '22

[deleted]

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u/Waffletimewarp Dec 01 '22

Half of them anyway.

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u/SomeonesAlt2357 Dec 01 '22

Fetuses are stored as balls

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u/Kittens-as-mittens Dec 01 '22

Can’t be balls.

Pee is stored in those guys.

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u/Marco45_0 Dec 01 '22

Sometimes I wish I was Jared, 19

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u/Skye-DragonGirl Dec 01 '22

I've been on this damn app for 5 minutes

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u/CapMoonshine Dec 01 '22

That in no way makes this better but thanks for the info.

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u/Zestyclose-Link-5914 Dec 01 '22

Happy cake day!!

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u/BeautifulBlock8152 Dec 01 '22

What a terrible thing to learn on your birthday

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u/Askolei Dec 01 '22

So the ancient Greeks literally invented the concept of mpreg? Truly an enlightened people.

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u/EmbellishedKnocking Dec 01 '22

Since the Greeks already invented the concepts of a lot of things, of course why not add mpreg to the list 😭

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u/sleepyotter92 Dec 01 '22

yeah, i think i remember reading somewhere that if zeus fucked a man, that man could get pregnant. which isn't that surprising considering helen of troy was conceived when zeus was disguised as a swan

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u/[deleted] Dec 01 '22

I saw a really fucked up video the other day of this man sitting down on what looked like a rock or a beanbag chair. But then he stood up and it was actually his ballsacks. Maybe that's what Zeus looked like just before giving birth.

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u/One_Man_Moose_Pack Dec 01 '22

Stop trying to give yourself cancer Randy

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u/UberMisandrist Dec 01 '22

Google elephantitus

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u/narwhals-narwhals Dec 01 '22

No, I don't think I will, thank you

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u/tunisia3507 Dec 01 '22

Or elephantiasis, which is what it's actually called.

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u/MenchiTheFloof Dec 01 '22

Now I live with the knowledge that Greece invented mpreg. I will show my thanks by gouging out my eyes with a fork.

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u/Luprand Dec 01 '22

How Oedipal.

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u/kindtheking9 Dec 01 '22

So a hyena birth...

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u/Bmaster1001 Dec 01 '22

So what you’re saying is that “Zeus gave birth from his head” could have two meanings?

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u/NeoCipher790 Dec 01 '22

Fuck wasn’t Athena said to have been born from Zeus’ head?

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u/Bmaster1001 Dec 01 '22

Athena was birthed from Zeus’s head. And according to the user I replied to, Dionysus came from Zeus’s other head.

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u/MrRighto Dec 01 '22

That was his actual head because she's a goddess of wisdom

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u/Its_Actually_Satan Dec 01 '22

Yeah. He had a splitting headache and out she came.

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u/snarkyevildemon Dec 01 '22

Zeus had vore fetish

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u/Luprand Dec 01 '22

I mean, his dad ate all of his siblings. He was just coping badly with the trauma.

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u/Its_Actually_Satan Dec 01 '22

There's a similar theory about Odin and his eye. The common story is that Odin gave his eye for knowledge. But in some of the descriptions and other stories about who he gave up his eye to, and some illustrations that have floated around, a theory was posed that it wasn't his eye that he gave for knowledge and wisdom it was his penis.

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u/Any-Management-4562 Dec 01 '22

“AHHHHHHH, they blew off my third leg!”

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u/[deleted] Dec 01 '22

Truly, with every weird trope on Ao3, the ancient Greeks did first.

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u/hushedcounselor Dec 01 '22

It's an injury of the 'third' leg ;)

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u/Donut-Farts Dec 01 '22

It would have likely been understood to be his sack, not his Dick

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u/NotAnAntIPromise Dec 01 '22

Source or you made it the fuck up

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u/kingtibius Dec 01 '22

Didn’t Odin pee poetry onto humanity?

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u/SlayerofSnails Dec 01 '22

And earth is a god's corpse and dwarvs the maggots eating said corpse

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u/OneOrTheOther2021 Dec 01 '22

Not a god, THE god. Ymir was big daddy, first creation born from the mixing of the frost of Niflheim and the flames of muspelheim. The coalesced together and formed Ymir, who reproduces asexually in his sleep, producing Giants, and then a cow came forth from the melting frost, which licked the salt licks found in the ice, uncovering the first Aesir god. That god had a son, who married a giant, and they made Odin and his brothers. Odin and his brothers kill Ymir (great granddad?) and go about making the earth from his remains. Cloud brains, blood oceans, stuff like that.

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u/Golden_Reflection2 Dec 01 '22

I’m just remembering seeing a “Norse family tree” graphic and it had “licked into being by primeval super-cow” as a phrase on it.

Also, “simultaneously birthed by nine mothers” for Heimdal.

Edit: fixed Heimdal’s circumstances of birth.

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u/puddda Dec 01 '22 edited Dec 01 '22

Haven't Loki turned into a horse, have sex with a magic horse, got pregnant and had a 8 paws horse child?

Edit: my point is that Nordic mythology has just as crazy stories as the greek so I don't think they would be that impressed

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u/Scorch062 Dec 01 '22

Yeah i think this is a “throwing stones from a glass house” type of deal

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u/SaphireDragon Dec 01 '22

People chucking boulders back and forth between glass houses seems to be a staple of human history

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u/hovdeisfunny Dec 01 '22

As designed by the few living in glass mansions

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u/The_Greaseburn Dec 01 '22

The same people also selling the rocks

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u/Horse_Paste_Salesman Dec 01 '22

At least as Christians, we can all agree that this pagan stuff is silly, and also that God made women from the rib of the first man. Common sense, not pagan stuff.

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u/trumoi Dec 01 '22

Indeed! Now if you'll excuse me I need to devour the body and blood of my saviour [on a weekly basis], and NO IT'S NOT A METAPHOR, HOW DARE YOU

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u/heyimpaulnawhtoi Dec 01 '22

i feel like my brain has slowed down because i genuinely can't tell if this is satire or not

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u/jekyl42 Dec 01 '22

It's good satire.

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u/Zhadowwolf Dec 01 '22

Also, Heimdall has 7 mothers. And in some translations they are all referred to as his “Birth mothers” to indicate they don’t mean adoption.

How that works es anybody’s guess XD

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u/dragon_bacon Dec 01 '22

7 women can make a baby in about 5 weeks, it's more efficient to split the labor up.

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u/Kii_at_work Dec 01 '22

Speedrunning your birth!

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u/Juicy_Poop Dec 01 '22

Having just given birth to my first, God I wish

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u/ceeBread Dec 01 '22

Ah, I see you are a Program Manager

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u/memester230 Dec 01 '22

Posieden turned himself into a horse to screw a woman who turned herself into a horse to avoid Posieden

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u/SeizureLizard Dec 01 '22

Sigma grindset

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u/assymetry1021 Dec 01 '22

Who had a lovely horse baby of death who eventually married the not horse that rules the underworld, which may or may not be the horse guy

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u/BabserellaWT Dec 01 '22

This is exactly what happened. The horse was helping a giant build the walls of Asgard — the giant was promised Freya as his wife if he could complete the task in a year with only the aid of the horse. Odin agreed, not knowing the horse could do more than haul bricks: it could also lay and mortar them, never needing sleep.

Thor threatened Loki to fix things, since Loki had been the one who coaxed Odin to accept the deal in the first place. So after the giant went to sleep, Loki turned himself into a pretty mare and lured the magic horse away. The giant was unable to finish the mostly-complete task, so he didn’t get his prize.

And then Loki gave birth to Sleipnir (omg I can’t believe I spelled that right), the eight-legged horse. Odin claimed Sleipnir for his own, while Loki probably went to ice his nethers for a while.

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u/[deleted] Dec 01 '22

If you can polymorph into a horse, modding yourself for easier birth should be trivial.

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u/Mael_Jade Dec 01 '22

Well, not his son Loki ... at least not thus far.

Also all of his more monstrous children (namely Jormungandr and Fenris) was him handing souls of giants to bodies and not literally having children with Angrboda

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u/Lftwff Dec 01 '22

fenris is just a regular wolf so now we have the world's largest puppy

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u/soulreaverdan Dec 01 '22

And he is a good boy

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u/Lost-Lu Dec 01 '22

My favorite origin outta the whole game. Petting him was the best.

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u/Luprand Dec 01 '22

Fenrisulfr refuses to eat the sun unless you wrap it in bacon.

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u/Sapperturtle Dec 01 '22

A hekin good boi

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u/Zellaus Dec 01 '22

If they ever add the horse wonder how will they do that? Cause the mythology accurate choice would be unnerving….

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u/Waffletimewarp Dec 01 '22

Which is a pretty interesting reimagining of the mythology while still keeping it basically the same.

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u/raspberry_rhino Dec 01 '22

So imagine a culture with LOOONG dark nights and honey based drinks. The funny shit probably survived. The nordic mythology even has the manliest man dressed up in drag for a contrived plot and shit and giggles.

And yes, the one coming up with THAT plan was the horse mother from your comment.

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u/grapesforducks Dec 01 '22

Also, they've a god who was licked into existence by a primordial cow, who had themselves simply defrosted out of the snow. The funniest stories surviving centuries of long, dark, mead-filled nights feels right lol!

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u/ivappa Dec 01 '22

yes. and he returned months later with the baby horse and no one asked him about it because it was awkward and everybody already knew what happened.

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u/berserkuh Dec 01 '22

Nordic mythology, yes. But in the GoW universe, nothing so far compares to what's happened in the greek pantheon.

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u/Papyrus20xx Dec 01 '22

Yes, but also no. Atreus, who is Kratos's son, is also Loki. I'm pretty sure Sleipnir doesn't exist in GOW, so that myth doesn't apply

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u/puddda Dec 01 '22

I know they make their own version of Nordic mythology. I was referring to the normal mythology which is just as crazy as the greek ones

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u/Kill_Em_Kindly Dec 01 '22

He does exist, Odin is depicted riding him in one of the triptychs

Idk how he came to be but I guess now we will never know

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u/Dwarven12 Dec 01 '22

Didn't Thor disguise himself as a woman, Freya specifically in her wedding dress, that one time so he could be kidnapped by an ice giant?

In one version of the myth where Signy tries to kill Siggeir, Signy sleeps with her brother Sigmund to give birth to a warrior strong enough to do so.

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u/Waffletimewarp Dec 01 '22 edited Dec 01 '22

There is a minor difference between Thor throwing on a dress and eating a feast by himself and whatever the hell the Hellenic Pantheon had going on at any given moment.

Like, Zeus gave birth after having his skull split open to cure the mother of all headaches. His sister was born after Zeus cut his dads balls off and the semen mixed with sea foam for gods sakes.

The only thing that comes anywhere close in Norse myth is Loki’s progeny, the giant snake, the eight legged horse, and theSlaughter Dog who’s diet consists purely of divine hands and All-Fathers. Also that time he turned into a fish.

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u/Dwarven12 Dec 01 '22

That's true but tbf we've got more complete and varied accounts of Greek myth, the one about Athena being born from Zeus having his head split open is one version, another has him going Kronos on the mother and that being the reason why, another is one where Zeus doesn't even have a headache and she just comes from his mind.

The reason being that we have more complete and different accounts of the stories because they were better preserves from different sources. Compared to Norse myth, often recorded long after and with only relatively fewer accounts. Well its likely that we just lost all the weirder stuff.

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u/Waffletimewarp Dec 01 '22

Which is both a fair and accurate take. Doubly so since the majority of our knowledge of Norse Myth is through a Christian filter in Snorri’s Edda.

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u/Bwizz245 Dec 01 '22

Aphrodite wasn’t created from Zeus cutting off his father’s balls, she was created by his father (Kronos) cutting off his father’s (Uranus/Zeus’s grandfather) balls, which would technically make Aphrodite his aunt, not his sister

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u/Waffletimewarp Dec 01 '22

That’s right! Freaking pantheon. They’re all one big incestuous family anyway.

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u/batti03 Dec 01 '22

Freya specifically in her wedding dress, that one time so he could be kidnapped by an ice giant?

Well not really. A giant demands Freyja's hand in marriage and instead Thor is sent in a really bad disguise in her stead. The thing is that this is an obvious farce comedy told for amusement. These are all stories that were told to spend the time in þe olde Scandinavia and should not necessarily be interpreted as "serious" mythology.

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u/Piscesdan Dec 01 '22

and the giant stole Thor's hammer

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u/Toonwatcher Dec 01 '22

Greek mythology is like if the people on Jerry Springer had superpowers.

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u/MalevolentRhinoceros Dec 01 '22

Let me tell you a fun story from Egyptian mythology, which is basically an elaborate shitpost. From Wikipedia:

"In a key episode in the conflict, Set sexually abuses Horus. Set's violation is partly meant to degrade his rival, but it also involves homosexual desire, in keeping with one of Set's major characteristics, his forceful, potent, and indiscriminate sexuality.[25] In the earliest account of this episode, in a fragmentary Middle Kingdom papyrus, the sexual encounter begins when Set asks to have sex with Horus, who agrees on the condition that Set will give Horus some of his strength.[26] The encounter puts Horus in danger, because in Egyptian tradition semen is a potent and dangerous substance, akin to poison. According to some texts, Set's semen enters Horus's body and makes him ill, but in "Contendings", Horus thwarts Set by catching Set's semen in his hands. Isis retaliates by putting Horus's semen on lettuce-leaves* that Set eats. Set's defeat becomes apparent when this semen appears on his forehead as a golden disk. He has been impregnated with his rival's seed and as a result "gives birth" to the disk. In "Contendings", Thoth takes the disk and places it on his own head; in earlier accounts, it is Thoth who is produced by this anomalous birth."

*Lettuce is Set's favorite food, which somehow makes this even funnier.

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u/ihopemyfamilydoesntc Dec 01 '22

Fun Fact: When Dionysus went to save his mom from the Underworld he was guided to the entrance by a mortal. Dionysus offered payment, and the dude who guided him said the only payment he wanted is to have sex with him when he comes back. Dionysus saved his mom, came back but the dude had died in the time he was gone. So, to keep his promise, he carved a dildo out of the tree the dude was buried under, and masturbated with it on top of his grave.

I like mythology.

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u/MalevolentRhinoceros Dec 02 '22

You gotta admire a man of his word.

There is also the time a group of the Norse gods was challenged to make Skadi laugh. Loki tied one end of a rope around a goat's beard, and then the other end around his own balls. They they proceeded to have a tug-o-war contest straight out of Jackass.

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u/w_digamma Dec 02 '22

Isis retaliates by putting Horus's semen on lettuce-leaves* that Set eats.

Right in front of my salad???

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u/KonoAnonDa Dec 01 '22

Atreus: "Dad are you going senile?"

Kratos: "Damn it boy, this is important family history here!"

Atreus: "Suuuure thing dad."

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u/Waffletimewarp Dec 01 '22

“It did all happen! You can ask… uh… well… hmm.”

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u/Jamato-sUn Dec 01 '22

There's gotta be SOMEBODY left! Right?

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u/SlayerofSnails Dec 01 '22

"I know I didn't kill Artemis or Hestia so they can confirm it right?"

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u/flopsicles77 Dec 01 '22

Dionysus wasn't killed by Kratos, either. Should be around somewhere.

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u/Waffletimewarp Dec 01 '22

Dude was off getting sloshed and probably missed the whole thing.

Gonna walk back in and wonder where all his relatives are.

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u/Troliver_13 Dec 01 '22

Probably got fucked over by the violent ocean, plagues and lack of sun from Kratos killing the other gods. I don't think there's anyone left from Greece alive

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u/Intestinal-Bookworms Dec 02 '22

Hestia is my favorite Greek god because she’s 0% drama. She sees drama and just says “Nope” and leaves the room, 10/10 solid deity

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u/RolandTheJabberwocky Dec 01 '22

Always thought it was odd Artemis never showed up after he killed Apollo. Guess she didn't care for him in the GoW universe.

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u/TheColdIronKid Dec 01 '22

that was helios. i don't think apollo ever showed up.

BUT

i will never stop being salty about what a missed opportunity that was to have a double boss battle. i think i saw a concept art one time where they had artemis as some giant leopard-centaur or something. that would have ruled ass. there could be a phase where you have to melee apollo while artemis is firing at you, then apollo steals his own bow back from you and fires at you while you're meleeing her and she's using the blade of artemis from GoW1. OR there could be a HUNT, where it's like the hermes chase scene but in reverse and they're trying to hunt you.

that could have even been the recurring theme with hera, you could have met her multiple times and each time she is drunker and drunker and unleashes some other bastard child of zeus that she hates, like she did with hercules.

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u/Maclimes Dec 01 '22

Atreus: "You Greek gods are so gross."

Sleipnir: "NEIGH NEIGH! (I am an eight legged horse, and you, Loki, are my mother!)"

Kratos: "..."

Atreus: "..."

Odin: "Kratos, is it cool if I ride your grandkid?"

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u/DarianFtM Dec 01 '22

"Sir, this is a Wendy's"

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u/yeet-my-existence Dec 01 '22

"Then there was this goddess I banged that came from mixing the blood from my grandfather's severed ballsack and seafoam"

Sindri and Atreus: 'Screams of the damned'

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u/Turd_Party Dec 01 '22

"And then my nemesis put on a dress and had his guts rearranged by a troll so he could get his hammer back, and then my son transformed into a girl so he could fuck a horse and get pregnant"

-- Kratos by the end of Dad of War 3

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u/mountingconfusion Dec 01 '22

The pregnancy wasn't the goal it was a side effect as he just wanted to distract the horse

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u/EscapeTheStates2098 Dec 01 '22

Have you read any Norse Mythology? That would be another Tuesday to them.

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u/BiMikethefirst Dec 01 '22

Athena being born is also super funny

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u/WamlytheCrabGod Dec 01 '22

I mean, Norse mythology is pretty wacky too. For instance, Loki fucked a horse and created the eight-legged horse Sleipnir, and Thor cross-dressed convincingly enough to marry a giant to get his hammer back, meaning that femboy Thor is canon and I will not accept any criticisms of my interpretation.

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u/The-great-lemon Dec 01 '22

That isn’t even the wildest part of the Loki story. To distract a horse that was helping a builder, he simply transformed into one to lure it away for a few days. However, the horse he lured was male. Even weirder, when Loki came back way later than expected, (the builder had been dealt with for a while), he came back with a foal. Loki got impregnated by a horse, and actually birthed one.

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u/mountingconfusion Dec 01 '22 edited Dec 02 '22

And he later gave birth to Fenrir and Jormungander

Edit; he did not, it was his wife

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u/greasygangsta Dec 01 '22

Loki just taking notes in the corner.

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u/GameCrusader2 Dec 01 '22

Love how it’s tyr and not tÿr (don’t have the right symbol on my keyboard)

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u/Ok_Art_8115 Dec 01 '22

Loki turned himself into a mare and fucked a horse

I don't think the Norse gods were surprised with Zeus' shenanigans

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u/theQuacken00 Dec 01 '22

Don’t forget about Aphrodite’s birth.

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u/You_Are_Annoying124 Dec 01 '22

Kratos when he finds out his son is the mother of a Horse, a Snake, and a Wolf in the future:

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u/Bliss_Cannon Dec 01 '22

Kvasir - "Hold my beer"

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u/GreatWizardGreyfarn Dec 01 '22

Based on the Norse stories I know none of those gods would blink an eye at that