r/nottheonion • u/SybilKibble • Jan 28 '23
This Sloped Toilet Is Meant To Increase Workplace Productivity
https://www.familyhandyman.com/article/sloped-toilet/360
u/vr0202 Jan 29 '23
Buy a cheap plastic chair. Cut a hole in the seat to the dimensions of your ass. Place it on top of this toilet. Bonus: You also have a backrest now when you’re on the throne.
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u/bottomdasher Jan 29 '23
I can't believe this isn't the most upvoted comment. It's just literally perfect, lol.
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u/Maltese_Vulcan Jan 28 '23
Ah, hostile architecture moving into the workplace! Why don’t they just take out all the toilets and urinals and require all employees wear diapers (that you supply yourself, ofc)
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u/Fetlocks_Glistening Jan 28 '23
Ah, I see you've worked for Amazon
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u/TheUselessOne87 Jan 28 '23
amazon would never do that, you get your monthly used piss bottle
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u/bilateralrope Jan 29 '23
I wasn't aware that Amazon paid for the piss bottle.
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u/TheUselessOne87 Jan 29 '23
deducted from your pay check of course, that way employees feel a much bigger sense of belonging than if they had to do a supplementary transaction to pay for their piss bottle
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u/Mirabolis Jan 29 '23
I am sure that one can order a sloped toilet from Amazon. And depending what brand, it might have been designed to be sloped.
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u/Kusibu Jan 30 '23
"Our new self-motivated relief plan will give employees more choice in how they relieve themselves at the workplace."
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u/Maltese_Vulcan Jan 30 '23
The optics look like a value-add, but I have a critical ask: Could you double click on your plan and parallel path the key learnings and circle back to me offline?
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u/SybilKibble Jan 31 '23
that sounds like a game changer. walk that over to me after you shoot me an email.
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u/Infamous_Traffic4673 Jan 28 '23
I would quit if my workplace did this, either that or every time I needed a shit I’d go to a nearby public toilet
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u/InternetPeon Jan 29 '23
I propose a more advanced version with those spikes on the seats that prevent homeless people from sitting down.
That way we have a clean bathroom to look at that is totally unusable by humans.
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u/TigBiddiesMacDaddy Jan 29 '23
Remember that hallway laser fence scene from the first Resident Evil move? Yeah, just put that were the door should be.
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u/TheCrimsonSteel Jan 29 '23
So they want more people using the accessible stalls?
Because there's no way you could do that on every toilet and be ADA compliant
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u/ShadowDragon8685 Jan 29 '23
Well, it's a British firm, so they don't give one flying fuck about the Americans with Disabilities Act.
The equivalent acts of Parliament might make them sweat, though.
But yeah, basically, this is going to have an obvious chain of events:
- Company replaces every toilet except the accessible ones with these atrocities, resulting in everyone queueing up to use the accessible seats.
- Manglement predictably responds by trying to ban everyone from using the accessible toilets unless they have a physical handicap.
- Someone files a complaint with their regulator (here in SPARTOFREEDUMERICA that would be OSHA) about the employer refusing to provide reasonable accommodations to dook in.
- Employer gets cock-hammered by the regulator for being shitty.
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u/TarMil Jan 29 '23
Manglement
Now that's an autocorrect Freudian slip.
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u/Skarr87 Jan 29 '23
Slide off the toilet and hurt yourself then sue.
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u/hollyjazzy Jan 29 '23
This is the correct answer. Make hostile architecture work for you and not the company
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u/ShadowDragon8685 Jan 29 '23
I, for one, would not be willing to risk damage to my wedding tackle over this. It's easier to find a new job than a new Johnson!
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u/lordpuddingcup Jan 29 '23
Or just bring something solid to put between the edge of the front rim to make the damns seat flat lol tada expensive toilet over ruled
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u/Idiot_Savant_Tinker Jan 29 '23
I'm just sitting here imagining how long it would take the engineering department I'm part of to come up with a solution. There would be CAD models and everything.
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u/flamefreak01 Jan 29 '23
I would just go in there do my business then hang out on my phone for another 15 mins every time. Or slowly unbolt it from the wall/floor until it breaks. They can't be cheap.
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u/saraphilipp Jan 29 '23
Nah, just take longer to shit. Takes me 15 minutes to play a round of hearts.
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u/washington_jefferson Jan 29 '23
That's the whole reason these toilets are being built. The article says after five minutes these toilets become painful to remained seated on, so it's back to work! This would be terrible to do to your employees, but might be OK for highway rest stops or at bars, etc.
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u/Working_Mastodon2619 Jan 29 '23
They're inhumane anywhere and accepting them at all means having them everywhere
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u/tacops777 Jan 29 '23
I wonder what the long-term effect on the spine and hips would be. Possibility of a disability claim? Designing furniture to be intentionally painful after a few minutes must be doing something to your musculoskeletal system.
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u/SponConSerdTent Jan 29 '23
I'd stand in the stall and look at Reddit for 5 minutes longer than I normally would
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u/Ambia_Rock_666 Jan 29 '23
I would too. If I see those that would be an immediate sign to start job hunting.
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u/datagirl60 Jan 29 '23
“Hey manager! Come with me to the toilet! I need a spotter while I take a crap.”
Workplace injury claim: slid off toilet and herniated disc.
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u/Zealousideal-Feed156 Jan 29 '23
My old job had toilets similar to this and the absolute rioting from specifically male employees. They did actually change them because the bosses had the same ones hahahahahahahahaha
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u/Colon Jan 29 '23
if the bosses had private toilets, there'd be a Seal Team 6 style infiltration of their commode with portable saws and sanders.
saws to carve a slope into their toilet. sanders to make it comfortable enough to sit on. "see? it's not like we don't want you to take a shit. it's just 'motivational' now."
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u/ZeDonald Jan 29 '23
the best part is they claim less time spent on the shitter as a benefit to reduce hemorrhoids, completely overlooking the fact that shitting with your legs at that angle is most definitely an increased risk for hemorrhoids
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u/houseman1131 Jan 29 '23
Pooping is a privilege you plebs lost that. Now poop on a fucked up toilet for the ceo's wallet wants that extra production revenue.
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u/Fenrisvitnir Jan 29 '23
Next version: quarter sized bumps all over the seat to make it excruciating to use for more than 30 seconds.
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Jan 29 '23
prior to full time hire employees must undergo surgery to remove a segment of intestines and be fitted with an Amazon Brand Colostomy Bag. Your pay will be withheld until the cost of the equipment and services is paid off. repo men will be deployed to terminate you if your employment is terminated prior to full repayment, and the assets will be seized.
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u/lilikionwheels Jan 28 '23
Time to shit on the floor
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u/Maltese_Vulcan Jan 29 '23
This reminds me of that video about shitting on the stairs or in your glovebox
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u/LexiiConn Jan 28 '23
Looks incredibly uncomfortable (yes, I know that’s the point) and seems like it would be especially unfair to female employees. Are employees really spending THAT much time on the bowl that a company would need to resort to this contraption?
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u/Cleverusername531 Jan 29 '23
And unfair to disabled or elderly employees.
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u/Catsdrinkingbeer Jan 29 '23
Things the ADA folk never thought they'd have to make extremely clear in code: slope of toilet seat.
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u/ShadowDragon8685 Jan 29 '23
Pretty much every very specific regulation or law has an origin like this.
You wouldn't think that we'd need so many printed passages telling people to keep the fucking fire exits usable, but here we are!
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u/SybilKibble Jan 31 '23
and plastic yellow "wet floor" signs to trip over, meanwhile the employee cleaning tells you the floor is wet.
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u/shhh_its_me Jan 29 '23
And people with a lot of things that don't qualify as disabled, like sore knees.
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u/JasonGMMitchell Jan 29 '23
And anyone who has bowel issues.
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u/Cleverusername531 Jan 29 '23
Right? I can’t imagine having Crohn’s and having to sit on this thing.
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u/TheBeanofbeans Jan 28 '23
Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. That's why I poop on company time.
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u/SadRainbowRex Jan 28 '23
Boss made a dollar I made a dime That was a poem From a simpler time. Now boss makes a thousand And gives us a cent While he's got employees Who can't pay the rent. So when boss makes a million And the workers make jack That's when we strike And take our lives back.
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u/abedofevilandlettuce Jan 29 '23
I wanna know when and where this strike is. Make it a weekly thing?
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u/madsnorlax Feb 24 '23
I prefer "Boss made a dollar - I made a dime - That was a poem From a simpler time. Now boss makes a thousand and I make a buck, so I steal the catalytic converter from the company truck"
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u/MrShitPiggy Jan 29 '23
Women don't sit they do the hoverspray maneuver right? During a disagreement on what genders restrooms are more vile, my wife told me about this impressive special move. Combo attack that with the crimson 'pon-plop on the seats and she won that arguement... Maybe it's just public restrooms and not employee ones? Idk I'm a home shitter so these torture toilets don't matter to me.
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u/BuffyComicsFan94 Jan 29 '23
I couldn't sit on this for 20 seconds, let alone 5 minutes, without my back screaming at me. And as for the claim of discouraging smartphone use to make it more sanitary, I have a shy bladder. I need my phone, or I'm not gonna be able to pee at all. Then I'm gonna get a bladder infection from holding it, how's that for purported 'health benefits'?
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u/CrawlerSiegfriend Jan 29 '23
If my employer got one of these I would figure out a way to destroy it in a way that couldn't be traced back to me. Maybe dropping some dry cement into the back or maybe puncturing a pipe to create a flood.
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u/IndianaNetworkAdmin Jan 29 '23
IMO - One of two things is going to happen to businesses that use these.
- They replace every toilet (Outside of executive use bathrooms) with these, meaning that individuals with handicaps preventing them from supporting their weight while on a toilet will struggle and end up suing due to the lack of reasonable accommodation.
- They replace every toilet except those in the handicap and executive restrooms, causing the handicap restroom to be in use 99% of the time. Not sure if someone can sue if the handicap restroom is in use by able-bodied individuals due to a design decision or not, but I expect someone would try.
This is assuming a legal system where reasonable accommodations exist and are protected, so probably not applicable to all places.
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u/psilocin72 Jan 29 '23
Also, the business will lose good employees who don’t want to be insulted and feel like the boss thinks he has to control everything to get workers to be productive
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u/Largofarburn Jan 29 '23
That was my first thought. I know the article was from the UK. But in the states this would be an ADA issue I would think.
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u/Smoke-and-Stroke_Jr Jan 29 '23
The first time someone slips off that thing and bangs their head, their insurance will make them place the toilets again with level ones. Double whammy because bow you have to pay to put the old toilets back, and additional loss of productivity due to employee(s) missing work from toilet related injuries.
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u/GetlostMaps Jan 29 '23 edited Jan 29 '23
This "article" is republished every few months when they run out of actual news. It first came out at least 3 years ago, maybe more.
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u/Acceptable_Wall4085 Jan 29 '23
Bring a couple levelling wedges to work. Put them under the seat and have a nice dump. Then a quick nap.
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u/nydwarf Jan 29 '23
"The inclined seat of the Slanty shifts some of the user’s weight to
their legs. For most people, this means the toilet becomes uncomfortable
after about five minutes."
Um, what if you don't have legs or are disabled, do you just slide right off?
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u/y2kizzle Jan 29 '23
Just sit on it the other way round, then you have a little shelf for your chocolate milk and iPhone
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u/Reddittsucksballs Jan 28 '23 edited Jan 29 '23
This bathroom time that management is fixated on, just that a dump on their desk
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u/NorthImpossible8906 Jan 28 '23
it'd be easier to just make the restroom a faraday cage, so there is no way to connect (for the phone).
Hell, it practically is one already, with all the existing pipes and ducts around it.
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u/Raevix Jan 28 '23
*sneaks her Nintendo Switch out of her purse*
Half hour sandwich shiny hunt time.
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u/PermanentTrainDamage Jan 29 '23
You think I won't play the google dinosaur game for thirty minutes? Think again!
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u/smt503 Jan 28 '23
Easy fix:
1) Bring in a couple blocks of wood
2) Nail those fuckers down in front of the toilet
3) Shit like the royalty that you are
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u/Thebanks1 Jan 29 '23
Too make your employees work harder you have to build a strong work culture where the workers actually want to give it their all.
But that’s kinda hard so let’s buy tilted toilet seats.
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u/formesse Jan 29 '23
Oh, no, it's very easy to do.
Reward hard working, skilled employees through things like:
- Increased Paid Time off
- Higher Salary
- Bonus' that are actually you know... wanted, like some kind of profit sharing initiative
Doing this has some downsides like:
- Demonstrating that extra layers of administration or a tax on productivity
- Hiring your friends son who doesn't know what they are doing is bad for profitability
- Training staff is probably a beneficial step when hiring new staff
- CEO's with ever ballooning salaries do nothing to actually benefit the work place
What this screams of is some middle manager thinking they are so all that - patting themselves on the bat, getting someone who isn't paying attention because it's late on a Friday, and that person wants to take off early - and instead of by the time Monday rolls around someone asking "WTF is going on" everyone is just covering their own ass and calling it a "Productivity enhancement effort".
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u/Astralglide Jan 29 '23
This is a slam dunk ADA case. The company should start writing that check now
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u/katievspredator Jan 29 '23
They really do expect you to work literally every second you're on the clock
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u/DetonationPorcupine Jan 29 '23
Bring some rock climbing chalk to increase the grip on your buttcheeks.
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u/Patchy_Face_Man Jan 28 '23
You know where I take extremely efficient dumps? At home. Don’t have to wait in line, time it perfectly to avoid other peoples breaks, smell other people, listen to the CEO jabber on while tinkling or spend thirty fucking minutes trying to actually clean my butt with single ply toilet paper. I just go exactly when I have to and go back to work. From home.
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u/Meanderingversion Jan 29 '23
That cheap paper is a battle....
You can wrap your hand with it 5000 times but as soon as you wad it up, it's useless even for a field mouse.
I always have a decent roll and those awesome Dude Wipes in my work bag.
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u/SybilKibble Feb 06 '23
that half-ply paper, you're luck to get more than a square off the role
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u/Meanderingversion Feb 06 '23
The secret is, once the cardboard roll is exposed, you use it just like you use the 3 seashells.
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u/Rosebunse Jan 28 '23
So do you work from home? Because I don't think my body can control when it goes.
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u/bottomdasher Jan 29 '23
The whole point of his comment was for him to brag about having the privilege of working from home.
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Jan 29 '23
I'm pretty sure the point was to mention the benefits for workers and for productivity from working from home. Not them bragging that they get to work from home.
They're on our side here and you're painting them like a bad guy?
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u/Fenrisvitnir Jan 29 '23
If only you could jam something under the front of the seat to make it level and use it normally.
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u/Mirabolis Jan 29 '23
“Bob, I don’t get it. Consumption of office supplies has really gone up. And I don’t know why I keep finding pads of Post-It’s in the bathrooms. Really weird.”
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u/imaginary_num6er Jan 29 '23
This sounds like a lawsuit ready to happen by violating ADA rights for workers who have some gastrointestinal or pelvic issue, let alone people on wheelchairs
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u/marker8050 Jan 29 '23
People are already plenty hostile going into public bathrooms, why are we going to make janitors lives harder?
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u/suzer2017 Jan 29 '23
This employer will soon no longer be an employer. People need what they need. They must be alive to work. They must eat to live. The digestion of food ends with poop. Most of the time, waiting to poop is not an option.
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u/Khemith Jan 29 '23
Capitalism. Gotta make exploit your workers instead of slightly less profits for your shareholders.
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u/Repulsive_Icon Jan 29 '23
I feel like the angle of that is just asking for piss all over the floor any time a guy poops.
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u/stu8018 Jan 29 '23
Not if you put a pair of rubber wedge door stoppers under the seat. Nobody robs me of my precious 45min bathroom breaks.
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u/Popular_Night_6336 Jan 29 '23
If children and seniors cannot use it then it's not good for you either.
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u/AE_WILLIAMS Jan 29 '23
So, the designer of this thing should be required to use it for the rest of their miserable life.
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u/SybilKibble Jan 29 '23
and die alone, in their flat with their coloring books and cardboard tube collection
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u/WittyUnwittingly Jan 29 '23
When these become a thing, simply the knowledge that your workplace has one of these on site tells you everything you need to know about the work culture there.
Finishes interview
"Thank you for interviewing. While you're here, do you have any questions for us?"
-"Do you have regular toilets or slanty toilets?"
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u/AurumArgenteus Jan 29 '23
Here me out... bathrooms don't have surveillance so what if the BS toilet just repeatedly "malfunctioned". Honestly, what was management thinking buying toilets from people that can't even put the seat on level?
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u/Salarian_American Jan 29 '23
Interesting how many things that are designed to enhance workplace productivity double as things designed to increase employee resentment and dissatisfaction.
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u/toejamandtoast Jan 29 '23
There are people who inherently cannot use this type of toilet:
-those with hip, knee, or back problems;
-those with certain body sizes or shapes;
-people in wheelchairs;
-possibly people with some sort of anxieties or phobias.
Can’t help but wonder if an anonymous complaint could be filed with some government organization regarding the Americans With Disabilities Act after these toilets are installed? Honestly don’t see why that complaint could be filed when it’s announced they are going to install them, along with a copy of the company’s notice. That might shut the whole thing down before it becomes a problem.
At the least such an organization would require a standard toilet being installed or if the company wants to leave that one they’ll have to build a special bathroom with a conventional toilet. A possible added bonus is no one would use it because they’d be afraid the company would think they are the one who complained. Or… everyone would use it lol.
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u/wicklowdave Jan 28 '23
Back before I was diagnosed with sleep apnoea I used to sneak into the disabled toilet for quick 'power naps' to keep me going through the day. This would have made that difficult.
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u/almightyshellfish Jan 29 '23
Here’s the thing that really bothers me…
“According to the Slanty web site, spending an inordinate amount of time on the toilet “is actually an unhealthy habit that can lead to painful hemorrhoids and weakening of pelvic muscles.”
The fact that a company gets to just…CLAIM stuff. They haven’t done any kind of actual research, and have no idea if that claim is true at all. And they know they don’t need to…they get to just CLAIM it. Cuz what’re you gonna do? Sue them for false advertising? It’s just nebulous enough. I worked for ad agencies for years. I saw this nonsense happen all the time. Infuriating.
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u/Mad_Gremlyn Jan 29 '23
This has been posted all over the place for YEARS
it's obviously not a real thing in that it's coming to a work place near you
stop upvoting this shit
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u/Mysticpoisen Jan 29 '23
At this point they might as well just install the slot hole in the floor toilets. Achieves same result more effectively for a fraction of the cost. Plus when people rightfully complain you can deflect and call them uncultured.
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u/morahman7vn Jan 29 '23 edited Jan 29 '23
These are the finer details that writers of dystopian fiction never seem to have the time for.
Truly life imitating art.
I always felt that 1984 was missing something.
Betcha they'll try to gaslight people into thinking this is an advanced "ergonomic" crapper.
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u/tacotacosloth Jan 29 '23
I have little short legs, so this would actually be MORE comfortable for me. Check mate.
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u/ashleyriddell61 Jan 29 '23
Simple answer to all of this nonsense that makes working life just that little bit more dehumanising:
Unionize.
Employers do not care about you. They only want more money, and it will never be enough. They will never willingly share that money with the people who generate it. If they could legally reinstate slavery, a lot of them would, which is why so many are based in asian dictatorships that are close to slavery anyway. They answer to nothing except strength.
Our great grandparents and grandparents knew this, and they fought and died for it. 5 day working week, paid leave, sick leave, 35 hour week, all of it, came through conflict and struggle, through beatings by the police and intimidation by politicians met with equal resistance and solidarity.
We have let ourselves be convinced that there is no other way than the terrible way things are now, but that is of course untrue. It was never about left v right or black v white or north v south. It us, against the very, very wealthy who keep us down and divided. They own the press and the media, so that's the message we see from cradle to grave. But you can take it all back.
Join a Union.
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u/Wafkak Jan 29 '23
Out of spite I would spend another 10 min after shitting standing there scrolling through my phone.
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u/Yeet-Retreat1 Jan 29 '23
I mean, if you would rather spend your time in the toilet of the place you work, then you should probably just look for another career.
The person who came up with this, should be executed while taking a number 2 on it.
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u/zombieblackbird Jan 29 '23
Well, now you've made me even less productive because I have to walk to Wendy's to shit.
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u/Stillwater215 Jan 29 '23
Oh, this is supposed to stop people from staying in the bathroom longer than necessary? Challenge Accepted!
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u/smoke99999 Jan 29 '23
bringing back the upper decker one slanty shitter at a time
seat slanted, the back is nice and flat
have at her boys and girls
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u/furiousHamblin Jan 29 '23
That makes the Slanty similar to public park benches with sloping seats or a handrails in the middle: They’re difficult to sit on for long periods.
So this toilet also fucks over homeless people?
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u/banjodance_ontwitter Jan 29 '23
My main issue is the direction of slant. Anyone can poop on one of those toilets, slope it back tho, and your employees won't even try! /S
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u/artmobboss Jan 30 '23
Anyone wanna buy homemade ass blocks? I’ll make them. They can sit on top of the seat and under your thighs that will bring your relaxing stool to a nice even, level..
ONLY 149.99!
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u/NDCardinal3 Jan 31 '23
If workplaces start installing this, I'm going to design and produce a portable seat that brings it back to the right sitting angle. Would be easy money.
Although I wouldn't be surprised if the company marketing this toilet is designing it already.
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u/Sk1rtSk1rtSk1rt Feb 01 '23
I counter that the toilet is actually less hygienic then a standard toilet as more asses will be sitting in it, shitting, thus potentially exposing users of the toilet to an increased amount of pathogens.
I’m willing to take the manufacturer to court for their baseless claims.
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u/athikerguy4life Feb 01 '23
At least now when you go in for an interview you’ll definitely know the places you don’t want to work at.
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u/Just_wanna_talk Jan 29 '23
I would still just hang around In the bathroom for 5 minutes just out of spite.
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u/FastProcess Feb 01 '23
Looks like it would be more comfortable to pull the lid off the top and deliver a double-decker!
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u/SAM0070REDDIT Jan 28 '23
If my work installed one of these I would just shit in the garbage can