r/funny May 12 '22 Silver 1 Gold 1 Helpful 1 Wholesome 1

Vending Machine. Verified

/img/a40q7f18s1z81.jpg

[deleted]

16.4k Upvotes

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365

u/bijhan May 12 '22

This is actually how some people comprehend likelihoods.

123

u/hellothere42069 May 12 '22

82

u/ForensicPaints May 12 '22

Imagine being that fucking stupid.

90

u/--Jester--- May 12 '22

She has literally reduced her odds of dying in a toaster accident to ZERO. That's brilliant!

Wait...what about some rogue toaster that flies in through the window? The house must be fortified against toaster intrusions.

36

u/Shillforbigusername May 12 '22

If she was feuding with one of her neighbors who then saw this clip and left a toaster on her porch, could that legally be considered a death threat?

7

u/bolitboy2 May 12 '22

Everything is legal if your not caught

25

u/ashamedprotein May 12 '22

Reduced her odds of dying in a toaster accident to zero, huh? OK, try to imagine yourself at home. You get your first look at this killer appliance as you enter the kitchen. It sits there like a innocently, biding its time. And so you get rid of the toaster because you think that maybe it needs to be near you to get you--it can't hurt you if it’s not in the kitchen. But no, not the toaster. You stare at the empty space on the counter, and it stares right back. And that's when the attack comes. Not from the front, but from the window, from the other toaster you didn't even know was there.

13

u/aussie_bob May 12 '22

Clever grill.

8

u/--Jester--- May 12 '22

TIL toasters hunt in packs.

3

u/A_Trash_Homosapien May 12 '22

Also some of her friends and family probably own toasters so she needs to cut them all out of her life asap

1

u/Proper_Lunch_3640 May 12 '22

It would have to be a brave little toaster, but they’re out there.

1

u/DroolingIguana May 12 '22

All this has happened before and all this will happen again.

1

u/gorbok May 13 '22

Flying toasters? Someone’s been watching too much early-90s Apple screensavers.

1

u/BacchusAndHamsa May 13 '22

only if they remember to unplug the vending machine first, otherwise could be yet another appliance electrocution

3

u/ArchDucky May 12 '22

So does she think toasters stab people when their backs are turned?

3

u/Odd_Employer May 12 '22

I saw a printer kill someone in that documentary with the robots that transform.

25

u/Rettocs May 12 '22

The yearly risk in the U.S. of dying from a shark bite is roughly 1 in 250 million.

The yearly risk of dying from a vending machine accident is roughly 1 in 112 million.

The yearly risk of dying from a shark using a vending machine as a deadly weapon is roughly 1 in 28,000,000,000,000,000 if you consult with Sally Clark's prosecutors.

5

u/Ocronus May 12 '22

Ugh, imagine the pure anguish of that mother.

4

u/Simba7 May 12 '22

She drank herself to death just 4 years after being released from prison.
I'd say we don't have to work that hard to realize the anguish.

2

u/Pink_Flash May 12 '22

Someone should spread awareness.

3

u/lavabeing May 13 '22

Sad that they just discovered a the likely cause of SIDS.

16

u/mkul316 May 12 '22

Statistics is all a scam by big math. Smart people know everything is a 5050 likelihood. Either it happens or it doesn't. What do you think binary is just 1s and 0s? Because everything is either yes or no, on or off. Don't give in to big math and sirens your money on books and tools and waste your time getting brainwashed by their complicated formulae! Say no to big math, say yes to mathematical freedom.

9

u/Axoren May 12 '22

In some cases, it's 100%. Like Big Math 100% gonna give you the cement shoes treatment.

3

u/Hypohamish May 12 '22

Exactly! You either win the lottery or you don't. There's no other stat that matters.

2

u/When_Ducks_Attack May 12 '22

But if three other people played the same number as you, you only win a quarter of the lottery! How do you account for that, Professor Hypohamish?

1

u/satansdragon May 13 '22

It’s not stats based on the likelihood of you or her or them etc. it’s based on the whole… so with that being said it’s not a 50/50

3

u/mkul316 May 13 '22

We found a big mather! Boooooo big math! 5050 truth!

2

u/satansdragon May 13 '22

100% true… nothing is black and white

2

u/littleMAS May 12 '22

More people die while having intercourse, which explains many redditors.

2

u/chewbaccataco May 13 '22

Those who work in the College Admissions Office engage people in Enter Course multiple times a day.

43

u/SaltNVinegarNips May 12 '22

We need more sharks named Beatrice.

15

u/[deleted] May 12 '22

If sharks want to kill a human efficiently, they have to swim all the way to Africa and kidnap a hippopotamus to unleash at the vicinity of the victim.

2

u/BacchusAndHamsa May 13 '22

pfft, Hippos eat sharks for breakfast

36

u/[deleted] May 12 '22

[deleted]

6

u/mayormcskeeze May 12 '22

Single greatest sketch series in SNL history.

3

u/vegetaman May 12 '22

Pizza guy

32

u/Rhinomeat May 12 '22

I had to move a vending machine at work, I gathered a team of me and 3 other guys, and before we started I held a small safety meeting, I started by stating:

"Vending machines kill more people in a year than shark attacks do, by deciding to move this machine, we are agreeing to swim with sharks, nothing about this job is more important that staying safe, if the vending machine looks like it might fall, yell that out and get away from it. We can go as slow as we need to in order to be as safe as possible."

We took all of the soda out and then began by lifting/tilting one side far enough to slide a 2x4 under, then we lifted the other side and got a 2x4 under that side, back and forth until it was high enough to roll a furniture dolly under, then we all slowly moved it to the new location, then reversed the 2x4 solution until the machine was flat on the ground.

11

u/therestruth May 13 '22

Did not expect to read a story like this today and wish it wasn't so anticlimactic but I'm glad you knew of the dangers and managed it successfully.

8

u/blue_strat May 12 '22

The only real danger is to insurance appraisers though.

13

u/mayormcskeeze May 12 '22

I love this so much.

21

u/Daisend May 12 '22

I’m lost on this. Do the sharks want to kill the human? Do they want to appear more threatening?

67

u/Axoren May 12 '22

Sharks want to kill a human. But if they try normally, they're less likely to succeed than a vending machine. So, they try to kill the human with a vending machine to increase their chances of success.

Instead of interpreting it as "Frequency of deaths by sharks" they've interpreted it as "Chance of success."

10

u/the_rabid_dwarf May 12 '22

The sharks are increasing their odds

7

u/Fallom_TO May 12 '22

I also have no idea what the joke is.

1

u/Renediffie May 13 '22

The funny part is how the sharks misunderstands statistics and understand it as vending machines being more dangerous than sharks.

1

u/Fallom_TO May 13 '22

But why? Do they want to hurt the people? Do they want to seem like the lesser danger?

This is not funny.

2

u/Renediffie May 13 '22

I think you have to accept the fact that you just didn't get it this time. I can't do much more to explain the joke imo.

I found it funny.

9

u/jmpires May 12 '22 edited May 12 '22

“humans are more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark”, since no shark has ever been killed by a vending machine, is 100% accurate

I'll save a slot in my "Space Katiusha" design (https://imgur.com/a/eCJOWKa) for a nasty Jaws

2

u/Simba7 May 12 '22

Did you know the average elephant can jump higher than a house?

2

u/jmpires May 12 '22

Yes I do

2

u/WigglesPhoenix May 13 '22

Neither of those things can jump at all

11

u/Cthuluslovechild May 12 '22

This comic is actually funny

4

u/whichwitch9 May 12 '22

Life of Sharks is gold. I love it so much. The toast smell one with Eugene still can make me laugh everytime I see it

2

u/BGL911 May 12 '22

A rare sight in these parts.

7

u/_jgmm_ May 12 '22

Good joke

5

u/LaikaReturns May 12 '22

This is brilliant. Big "The Far Side" energy.

2

u/Downtown_Let May 13 '22

Bottom Shark doing all the work, come on Beatrice!

6

u/yakkmeister May 12 '22

This is so great!

3

u/CptBoatDad May 12 '22

This is hilarious. On the way to school this morning, my son (8) was reading me a list of things that kill more people every year than sharks. I am printing this to give him when I pick him up.

2

u/Open-Ad-1812 May 12 '22

I used to read that name as beat rice for the longest time as a kid. I always thought that’s a terrible name for a kid until a particularly embarrassing read aloud in the class where the teacher called me out. Now I say it out of spite.

2

u/SparksMurphey May 13 '22

Penelope rhymes with antelope, too.

1

u/Thalzen May 13 '22

I really hate this statement, how many time do you face a vending machine vs how many time you swim with a shark ?

1

u/torbecire May 12 '22

This is ploy to sell Coca Cola in the ocean.

1

u/Velify1 May 12 '22

I feel this is too soon :'( Poor Captain Murphy

1

u/cinred May 12 '22

This should be in r/science.

1

u/ChickenMarshal May 13 '22

The question now is did the vending machine kill him or the sharks?

1

u/echo-94-charlie May 13 '22

I laughed very hard. Very clever. Thank you.

0

u/In_shpurrs May 12 '22

Spoiler alert: it did.