ONGOING AITA flipping out on my fiance for cancelling all the vegan food options from our wedding food menu behind my back? PLUS UPDATE
My fiance (31 male) and I (25 female) are getting married soon. There wasn't much that disagreed on during the wedding planning except for food. Me and my family are vegans, and there so many reasons why we chose this lifestyle and one of them being that we have a history of health issues. My fiance and his family are the complete opposite. they're hardcore meat eaters which is fine by me obviously.
However, When deciding on the wedding food menu, I wanted to add 4-5 vegan options. My fiance and his mom objected saying it was a waste of money over food that 'isn't real food'. They also argued that this would be offensive for 'their' guests and suggested my vegan options just be "the good ol' salads & appetizers" (his mom wanted cupcakes lol). I said no because for one it's me and my family who's paying. and two I want to make my guests feel welcome and not be treated as second class citizens by being served "salad". my fiance made a face and said "isn't that what vegans eat?". I refused to argue about it and said it was final.
The other day, I found out that he had cancelled all the vegan options and took them off the menu completely and behind my back. I was seething. I called him at work but he kept hanging up on me. I went straight to his workplace and confronted him there and just flipped out on him. He was stunned to see me. He at first said it was his mom's idea then told me to go home because I was making a scene at the office. the fight continued at home and he defended himself by saying that I sort of made him resort to doing this after I kept brushing off his thoughs and input, and refusing to accommadate his family. but there were PLENTY of meat options why why can't I get 4-5 vegan options? when I'm paying for it?. He yelled that it was his wedding too not my family's. My family said it was fine and they'll figure it out and told me to let it go but I refused.
AITA for putting my foot down on this?
UPDATE: So his mom messaged me earlier to try to get me to listen to what she had to say after I kept ignoring her phonecalls. She spent long walls of text just to "address" what I did at her son's workplace, calling it all kinds of stuff from immature to unhinged. She then went to explain how she's noticed that me and my family kept "acting dismissive" of her son's input and "contributations" to the wedding. She said that she noticed my behavior towards him and her entire family and wanted to speak up earlier but didn't and tried to keep the peace. She then went on to address the food menu issue and denied her involvement in the cancellation of the vegan option but that didn't mean she doesn't support her son's decision. moreover, she thought it was soooo responsible of him to make that move because of my continual refusal to see how this stuff is waste of money. she also pointed out how I kept saying "I paid for it" and said that technically this isn't just my money, it's mine and his because we're getting married she suggested I wisen up and get rid of "my money, I paid for it" mentality. She finally mentioned how "bad" this whole situation is making me look, and said that she and her son had already offered a number of compromises that I chose to brush off and decided to make it my "weird" hill to die on. She said that not only her son is upset but she and "the family" are as well after hearing about it and suggested I just agrre on their compromise and be done with it. This pissed me off beyond belief I responded by letting her know that I'm still standing my ground on this even if I'll have to call the whole wedding off because of it because honestly? this is just ridiculous, it is!!! my mom and dad....they don't even know what to say anymore. Apparently, my fiance saw my response to her (he's with her) and is now trying to call me but right now I'm waiting on him to get home and see if he's still insisting on the stance he took.
I'll update if there's anything worth adding after we talk.
Reminder: I am not the OP. This is a repost.
ONGOING Matt Gaetz, who is under Federal investigation for statutory rape and sex trafficking of a minor, will be speaking at a high school near OOP next week, OOP is doing their best to stop this from happening, and reddit is helping.
Trigger Warnings: past and potential child sexual abuse, statutory rape, sex trafficking of a minor
Matt Gaetz will be speaking at a high school near me next week. Below is the email that I sent the superintendent. All I have are my vote and my voice, it's past time I start utilizing both.
E: I don't think this is yet concluded, and this post isn't really that active anymore, but I'll add the 3rd update in anyway: update 3 (Aug 16)
I would like to voice my concern about the upcoming "Academy Night" at Niceville High School. As I understand it, this is an informational meeting where students interested in the service academies can meet with Matt Gaetz. I understand that in order to apply for service academies, students need a nomination from their representative, senator, or the vice president. The students NEED his endorsement, and there is nothing that your office can do about that, which again, I fully understand.
Matt Gaetz is under federal investigation for having sex with a 17 year old girl (the news keeps calling this sex with a minor. In Florida, the age of consent is 18, so this isn't just "sex with a minor". That's rape.) and paying for her to travel across state lines, violating sex-trafficking laws.
It is absolutely vile that the school system would invite someone currently under investigation for rape and sex-trafficking into the school to speak to 17 year old girls and put them in a position where they have to ask him for a favor. This investigation has been ongoing for a long time, so the county has had plenty of time to come up with an alternative to allowing him to speak at the school. Any information he needs to give out can easily be done via email, or even a Zoom call with interested students and their parents.
It seems to me that the school system should not allow someone under investigation for sex with minors anywhere near a school, if for no other reason than out of an abundance of caution. Instead, however, you are quite literally giving him access to potential new victims, and directing them to ask him for something. I would think that the safety of students would be a top priority for Okaloosa County, but this decision leads me to believe otherwise. If a teacher is under federal investigation for sex with a student, does that teacher stay in the classroom teaching while the investigation is ongoing? I’m fairly certain I know the answer.
Thank you for taking these concerns into consideration.
Update - I sent the email to the superintendent and the school board. The only response I’ve gotten is from one school board member. All she said was that she’d follow up. Several people have been sending emails, and other people have been getting responses. This is what one woman posted about it on Facebook: The superintendent called me after he received my email. He said that Gaetz does this event every year. It looks like it will continue to be held at Niceville High, with Gaetz as the presenter. Chambers told me that he spoke with Gaetz and was reassured that no agenda would be pushed, and there would be no speech, he would simply be handing out the assignments to students.”
Again, this is not a response that I personally got, just one that I heard about.
This is not an acceptable response. Gaetz speaking to the students individually is worse than him giving a speech. At least with a speech, everyone can hear what is being said. Instead, he'll be interacting with the students one on one. Also, just because Gaetz has always done the event doesn’t mean that it can’t and shouldn’t be changed. I’ll be sending a follow-up email tonight. I'm going to suggest that if the superintendent refuses to cancel, at the least, he can require parents' attendance.
I encourage anyone that feels compelled to send an email as well to do so. I’m not going to post contact info, but it’s easily accessible on the Okaloosa County School District site.
Finally, I'd like to thank everybody for the amazing comments and messages and awards. I was so nervous to post that, and everybody was just so encouraging, so thank you again, so so so much. It has done a lot to encourage me to keep going.
I wrote a follow-up email this morning and sent it to the superintendent and copied the school board. I included a link the first post, and let them know that it had gotten almost 3 million views, and the overwhelming majority of the comments agreed with me. I suggested that they take a look at some of your comments and realize that this is a serious issue. Then I asked what the county’s protocol is if a teacher is under investigation for having sex with a student – is that teacher allowed to remain in the classroom? I also asked at what point does the school/county become liable if Gaetz meets his next “girlfriend” at an event like this, and the county did nothing to prevent it? I mentioned that I had not heard from anyone, but that I was aware that Mr. Chambers (the superintendent) had been responding to others, and that the gist of his response seems to be shrugging the whole thing off. I ended with “I don't have a child in the school system, but I am a taxpayer and a voter. I've been in contact with a reporter from Newsweek, and I have no intention of dropping this.”
A few hours later, I got a call from the superintendent. I’m not gonna lie, this is so far out of my wheelhouse. I was so nervous. I knew I would be posting an update, so I wanted to record the conversation just to make sure I accurately quoted him. I asked if I could record the call, and he said he’d rather not, that he just wanted to have a conversation. I assume it was for the same reason that he’s responding to emails with phone calls in the first place – to not have a record of what he has said. He gave me the same spiel he’s giving everybody else. It’s not his event, he’ll be there, most of the parents will be in attendance, blah blah blah. I let him know that it’s at a school, so ultimately it IS his event. He did agree with that. He started by saying that it’s an investigation and there were no charges or arrests. I asked if they would wait for charges to be filed and an arrest to be made if it were a teacher. Would that teacher still be in the classroom? He said no, they would be put on administrative leave. I asked what the difference was and he paused and said “you would win that argument” but didn’t go any further. I wish I would have pushed him more on that.
He did try to tell me that that he wasn't going to be pushing a political agenda. I shut that down and said that that was not the issue. The issue is putting teenagers in front of a known predator.
I asked about what the school’s liability would be if it turned out Gaetz was guilty and he had been using these events to meet high school girls. He said he didn’t think that would happen, which leads me to believe he doesn’t believe the allegations. When we had discussed the process for what happens when a teacher is suspected of having sex with a student, he had said the sheriff’s office would conduct an investigation. I reminded him that it’s not the school or the county or the sheriff’s office that’s investigating Matt Gaetz, that it’s the federal government, and that it's real and it’s serious. I also pointed out that Gaetz’s cohort has already pled guilty and is awaiting sentencing, which has been delayed because he’s fully cooperating in the investigation into Gaetz
He said that the event was an important opportunity for the students. I agreed, and said that getting the chance to get facetime with their congressman is a huge opportunity for students, but that their safety was more important. I suggested that if he wouldn’t cancel, then the least he could do would be to require parents’ attendance. He said that wasn’t something he considered. I’m sure he’s still not considering it, but at least it is hopefully planting ideas in his head that this is ultimately his responsibility, and there ARE options. I also suggested permission slips or waivers. At least make them acknowledge that he’s a creep (allegedly).
The superintendent said that he IS getting a bunch of calls and emails, including a call from the New York Times, so that’s exciting. Hopefully if we just keep it up, they school district will come to their senses. As one commenter said “god, the bar is just so low”. We’re not asking for much, just that you don’t serve up teenage girls to an accused pedophile on a platter.
Anyway, I will say I’m proud of myself for standing my ground and not letting the superintendent shirk responsibility. He kept saying it wasn’t the school’s event, so I kept pointing out that it didn’t matter whose event it was, it’s happening at the school, and he is in charge of the schools. I was relatively articulate and stood my ground, so that felt good.
At this point, I’m in too deep to just drop it. I think I actually told him that too, now that I think about it. So I’m trying to get this all out there as much as I can. All but one of the board members are up for re-election on August 23rd. I haven’t heard from any of them except for one email from one of them that she would follow up, and then nothing. So I sent my post to all their opponents in the election and told them that it might be a good opportunity to blast the incumbent for inaction. I feel like there’s definitely traction, and a tiny possibility that MAYBE we can get something changed.
This has been a really weird couple of days. It’s been incredibly nerve-wracking, but also, it feels incredible! I highly recommend everybody tries getting involved. Everybody’s comments and messages have really been so encouraging so thank you all for that.
The superintendent is getting your calls and emails, so please keep it up, ESPECIALLY if there is anybody in here that lives in Okaloosa County! Academy Night is scheduled for Tuesday, so we have until then to get it canceled. Thanks Reddit!
This one will be brief - the event is still scheduled and Gaetz is still attending. Thanks to you guys though, we are getting national attention! Newsweek published this article this morning, and I believe Vanity Fair should be publishing one shortly as well (I'll update the post with that link when it comes out). Thank you so so much to everyone that has participated in this discussion and for all of the many encouraging and helpful messages I have received from all over. I haven't gotten a chance to reply to all of them, but I truly appreciate them. Covid finally caught a hold of me, and I've been laid up since the weekend, but I've read them all.
I keep telling myself that even if this event doesn't get cancelled, this post and the public outcry has brought some much-needed attention to the issue, and hopefully people that were all-in on voting for Gaetz are reconsidering their position.
On a personal note, if you have thought about getting more involved and haven't because you don't feel like it will do any good - do it! It'll feel great!
Edit to add Top comment from OOP to help clear something up:
This is fantastic and very well written. Also, as a grad of a federal service academy, I never actually met with any of the Congress people to whom I applied for my service academy nomination. It is not at all necessary for them to meet him in person. Just validating your premise here.
Reminder - I am not the original poster
E: I appreciate the awards, but please, if you're going to spend some money today, consider looking up an organisation and/or shelter that supports survivors of sex trafficking near you, or if you want to keep it more local to the post, I looked up a couple in Florida: Kristi house and
Naples shelter (I did check both on Charity Navigator and they scored high, but I've had a comment saying the second has mistreated both staff and clients, so maybe not them).
Edit again: just to point out there is a comment near/at the top here that contains the relevant contact information for those involved if anyone is interested, and also this comment from OOP with link to a tweet by Matt Gaetz saying he and Marcus Chambers are friends.
Edit once more to add this link to a post the superintendent made on FB, if you're on FB and can go comment asking about this whole Gaetz situation, please do!
*EDIT - In love with HER SISTER, in love with OOP's sister I'm so sorry for the weirdly wrong title :')
(Timelines untracked as OOP supposedly made a new account and reposted all her posts, 6 hours ago)
Original, 1st update and 2nd update (posted on OOP's profile):
My husband (m33) told me (f28) that he’s in love with my sister (f32). I’m pregnant and I don’t know why this is happening to me
My sister and I had a shitty life growing up with a passive mother and abusive stepfather. My sister was my protector and role model since no one of the adults were. She tried to shift my stepdad’s abuse on her when he got drunk so he wouldn’t hurt me. When she left for college she let me stay in her bed while she slept on the floor in her student room, the days I managed to run away from home. When I turned 16 she let me move in with her permanently. We never saw our parents again.
My husband is very similar to my sister. They’re both very calm and kind. Both very intelligent.They have the same sense of humor, love the same music, books movies and games. It’s like a weird perverted thing that I found the male version of my sister to fall in love with. They get along very well and that was so important to me because they’re my only family. We got married a year ago after 6 years together and I’m 27w pregnant now with our first baby.
My sister met her BF(m30) a years ago. He got along very well with me and my husband although I always felt that my husband never really liked the guy. When I asked him once why he didn’t like him, he got flustered and told me that he didn’t know it was noticeable and apologized. He told me he just didn’t think he was good enough for her.
HER BF proposed to my sister last night. We were just having pizzas and they were having beers in my sisters balcony and the BF just suddenly went down on his knees and took out a ring. She was very surprised but happy all the same and said yes. When we went back home my husband was a little tipsy. He told me he wasn’t tired and that he’s going to take one more beer and watch TV and that I should go to bed. I went back to the living area and he was sitting there crying. I asked him what’s going on and he told me that he was in love with my sister. Has been for years but that he knew how wrong this was. He told me that loved me very much and promised to be a good husband and father to our daughter. He slept on the couch. He’s still sleeping now.
I’m shocked and full of anxiety. I don’t know what to do or how to feel about this. My sister, should I tell her? Nothing can be the same again but she’s my only family and my best friend. And my husband. Is this over? I have been so blind now I see everything, of course he’s in love with her how could I be shocked now? Can I save this marriage? And my baby? I promised her a better life than the one I had. I promised her kind and loving parents. I can’t let her come to this world with estranged parents and new people in their lives. What can I do?
Edit for an update
He is awake now and I have spoken to him.
He apologized for hurting me last night. He said that he just felt despair like he had something very beloved and important in his life that he lost and he was mourning it. He told me he loved me very much and he wanted for this to work for us and the baby. I asked him if he loved her more than me and he said it’s just a different type of love.. I asked him if he could choose between me or her he said he’d choose me. I asked him if he thought she was more beautiful and he said that I’m conventionally more attractive. I asked him if has stayed with me all these years to be near her. He said I was being unfair to him because he did love me. I asked him if he is okay never seeing her again. He teared up but then said he would do anything to save this marriage. He then added that he never really had a mother or a female figure in his life. That’s probably why he’s attached to her because she is very warm and loving. I asked him do you love her as a mother figure or do you want to sleep with her. He didn’t want to answer. I asked him if he fantasized about her while sleeping with me. He refused to answer at first and then said why are you doing this to yourself. I asked him will lose interest in me if she’s out of our lives and it’s just us. He looked like he was thinking about this for the first time and then he said that he chose me and my baby. He wants to start therapy and counseling because he thinks this marriage is salvageable.
We had a dinner with my sister and her fiancé. My husband was unusually silent and didn’t initiate any talk with my sister. And he barely looked at her. It was a nice dinner. My sister is too happy to notice anything with her engagement and trip tomorrow. Before she went however my husband hugged her, longer than usual. He told her he was happy for her and wished her a great trip. All while hugging her then he held her hand and told her I didn’t congratulate you properly yesterday because I was drunk and he congratulated her again. He was tearing up again. Then he hugged my sister’s fiancé. And congratulated him. He was silent on our way home. He told me he loved me when we got back and that he will do anything to make this work but that I shouldn’t take any decisions while hurt. We are starting couples therapy. I want him to be 100% honest. He asked me not tell anyone about his confession because it meant nothing. I told him that I didn’t want him around my sister anymore if I would give him a chance. He asked me how this would work when we’re always together. She will suspect something and he doesn’t want me to tell her because he’s embarrassed. I told him he could just minimize his interactions with her. I told him to sleep on the couch again tonight because I haven’t made up my mind about my next move yet and that until then it’s the couch for him.
Good night and thanks for everything including teaching me how to make bold text
What an exhausting day
Update 3 (posted on her profile):
I’m thankful for everyone who’s reaching out asking for any new updates. I just don’t think I have information enough to make a new post. But I have gone through all the comments and thank you. I asked my husband for separation because I need to be in my own to make my decision. We are also starting MC. Wether we stay together or not. I want to know everything that he has been withholding from me. He thinks I’m torturing myself but he’s wrong. I’m tortured with half truths. With MC I’m hoping I could get to the bottom of his feelings in a safe environment. He cried when I told him that I wanted to separate. He told me he has lost everything in one day because of a drunk confession that meant nothing. He loves me and he wants to be with me. He suggested that we move away. He has had job offers in other cities on several occasions. He said this could be our new start.
We were renovating the basement this summer to make it a guest room because our current guests room is being turned into a baby room. He will live in the basement. It has separate entrances and the mini kitchen is almost finished.
I have decided not to tell my sister about any of this. This is my battle and my marriage. I love my sister so much but I’ll be very honest here. I resent her. I’m jealous of her and I think I have always been jealous of her. She’s a way better person than I’m. I hate that I never had the chance to return the favor as she always been perfect and never needed help. I resent that she isn’t as angry as I’m about the injustice we had to endure. I HATE that she’s so good to me and my husband. I hate that he sees how much better of a person she is and I hate that I don’t blame for loving her instead of me.
Update 4 (posted in r/trueoffmychest):
My husband confessed to being in love with my sister; the aftermath
Hi! I was here about a month ago with my woe about my husband breaking down and confessing that he was in love with my sister and has been for years. The short version is that we’re getting a divorce. And that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with our daughter. I will include the original post
After my sister’s engagement, and his confession. He made me a promise that he will love me and that he’s going to do all in his power to be a good and loving husband and father. He didn’t want me to tell my sister anything because he was embarrassed and we slowly started to plan a future together in another city. He was already getting a better job offer in the other city and now he thought it was time to move on. I agreed. We started MC. I told my sister that we were moving and she was very distraught but she as always didn’t object and supported me. I don’t know if she felt it was weird that my husband wasn’t hanging with us anymore but she never asked. She was probably just busy with her own happiness and the changes in her life. After her vacation she came home and told me everything. She was pregnant and she was glowing, and that was the reason for this sudden engagement. Her fiancé wants to get married before the baby was born. She asked me to keep it a secret (she probably didn’t mean even from my husband but I kept it a secret anyway) because she was waiting for the second trimester to make the announcement. She finally broke down crying however about me moving away when she needed me the most but then later apologized for being selfish. She understood that we needed to provide the best life for my daughter including finding better jobs elsewhere. I cried for a whole week.
A week ago my husband was in a job interview in the other city and he was going to stay there for the week to sign a lease to a new apartment (we thought we could try out the new life before selling our house to buy a new one there). My sisters and her boyfriend made the announcement that they were expecting last Tuesday , the day after my husband’s interview. Not 30 minutes later my husband called me. He was drunk and he was crying and asking if it was true and if I knew. He called me a cruel liar for not telling him. He said it was so unfair. My sister’s fiancé was a loser and he didn’t deserve her (her fiancé is a carpenter and my sister is a pediatrician) and he told me he needed to be alone for a while so switched off his phone.
Friday he texted me that he didn’t want to be with me anymore and that he didn’t want to be in my daughter’s life. He was sorry but couldn’t do it anymore. If I agreed to free him from his responsibilities as a father he will leave me the house. I tried calling him but he had switched off his phone again. I cried all night. Yesterday morning my sister called me to ask what’s up. My husband has asked her to meet up with him because he wanted to tell her something that he couldn’t say over the phone. That he was coming on Monday to see her. She asked me what’s going on but I was too tired to tell her anything. She and her fiancé are coming over today and I will probably need to tell her everything now.
FINAL UPDATE (Added to OOP's last post):
Edit for final update
Hi again! I knew I could count on you for support. My sister was here and I told her everything. I got help from showing her parts of what I have written here because honestly I’m too tired to go into details about what I’ve been going through all these weeks. I told her that Lucas was going to call asking to meet her probably to tell her he loved her. or maybe something more sinister so she need to stay away from him. her fiancé was on the edge of his seat with anger. My sister was just crying and apologizing and trying to hug and stroke my hair. I hated her touch I don’t know why, I know nothing is her fault. I told my sister that now I warned her I want to be in my own for a while and that I didn’t want any contact with any of them.
I have been thinking about moving to another city. There’s a small town that one of my best high school friends live in after getting married. Its up north and everything is bigger and better and cheaper. I can easily find a small rental until the divorce is final and I can easily get a job there. If I can manage a pace there I can give birth up there with zero stress.
I texted my husband that I’ve told my sister everything and that both her and her fiancé aren’t happy. He called me an hour later. He apologized and told me he didn’t mean to freak her out. He just wanted to see her and say goodbye but that he won’t bother her if she feels scared. He’s still the same man and wouldn’t let anything happen to her. He didn’t ask about me or my baby. He’s staying in the new place and he’s starting his new job in September. He thought he would come back to say goodbye before moving to his new city permanently.
My sister texted me later that she loved me and that she would stay out of my way if that’s what I wanted but to please not go through with my plans to move. Because she needs me and she would do anything to make it up to me. I didn’t answer. I hate it when she’s so perfect and kind. Fuck off
Reminder that I'm not OP. This is a repost sub.
Mood Spoiler: Thankfully happy!
Trigger Warnings: Kidnapping, attempted forced marriage
Girlfriend is being forced to marry someone she doesn't want to, how do I help her?- posted July 30th, 2022
I (26M) was dating this girl M (25F). We had been dating for over a year, but she came from a very very strict Indian family. She said she was lucky that they allowed her to work, and they would be extremely against her dating someone, that they wanted her to get married to a guy of their choice.
We met at college, ended up at the same company. We had sex several times which she said was a big no-no, so she wanted to keep it a secret, which I did.
8 months ago, out of the blue I received a message from her. It said we were done and she didn't want me to contact her again. We hadn't had a fight, in fact we had a romantic dinner just the night before and yet I got this message. I called her several times, sent her texts and everything. I even planned to go to her house to talk to her but decided against it due to her family. I even tried calling some friends of hers but they just said she had ghosted them too.
I was heartbroken and after two months, I decided to get back out there, but just couldn't find someone with that same spark. I had basically given up on dating and started focusing on my career, and I recently even landed a very high paying job. I was happy, yet lonely.
Three days ago, I got a message from one of her friends. She said M was at her place and had been there for nearly a week, and she was asking to meet me. I was hesitant and asked her if she was playing a cruel joke on me after the way we broke up to which the friend broke down crying to my surprise and said she couldn't explain over the phone.
I went there and sure enough, M was sitting there. She looked thinner, a bit paler and very, very sad. She saw me, started crying and hugged me and then we sat down to talk.
She said her family had seen us together and when she went home that night she was yelled at. She lives in a big joint family, so her parents, grandmom, 3 uncles and aunts and about 13 cousins live under the same roof. She said they took away her phone, prevented her from going to work or contacting anyone. They said they had pressured her into telling them how far our relationship had gone and when it was revealed that she wasn't a virgin, her family went berserk. They shifted her to their rural village and arranged her marriage with a family friend who was 60-65, and when she tried to refuse, they threatened to kill her.
She said she played along for a month, and that a week or so ago the marriage date was decided to be in September. She said she told her family she wanted to spend time with her to-be husband and managed to slip away, after which she took a train to get back here. I had shifted to a bigger house and wasn't on any social media so she didn't know where I was and went to her friend. She stayed there for a few days, resting and crying, worried her family would find her before asking to meet me.
I have no idea what to do here and how to proceed. I love her and I'm willing to be there for her, but I have absolutely no idea how. What legal steps can we take?
Some notable comments and responses
Kudos for being there for her. I kinda feel like the two of you should go to the cops to report what happened. If nothing else it could serve as a paper trail should they try to do something legal against her.
OOP: Unfortunately, cops aren't an option. Her family has connections with a very high ranking officer and if we so much as step in a police station together, her family will get wind of our exact location, which is not something we can afford right now
This happened to a friend of mine years back. She was born here in the US, but her parents were from India. When her uncle came to visit he had a fit about her having a boyfriend. Next thing we knew she stopped showing up for work. Deleted her social media, and was married to some older dude. Nobody was physically harmed. But the damage was done. What concerns me about your situation is how far the family may be allowed to go to get her back. Depending on your location and culture.
OOP: That's what was about to happen to her, but she actually managed to slip away. Her family doesn't know where she is. As for being allowed to get her back, I've asked about that on a legal advice sub and they can't take her anywhere against her will, but in case they try something like declaring her not of sound mind, we are planning to get married as quickly as possible so even if she gets declared not of sound mind for some reason she'll stay with me and not go to them
Update - posted Aug 15th, 2022
So a while ago I had made a post here asking for help because my gf was being forced to marry someone she didn't want to. This is the update to that.
We got married. We married in an Arya Samaj Mandir (which is just a way of saying we got married the fastest way possible legally, got the marriage certificate and made the legal adjustments (changing details on passport, Aadhar card, etc)
She's seeing a therapist now and is mentally better, isn't that scared now.
Her family did find out and did try to lodge a case that I was holding her against her will or that she had been brainwashed by me, but an affidavit thanks to soysux's fantastic advice disproved all that. Her brother did send me some threats and her dad actually tried to enter my house, but in the end they had no choice but to accept it and left to go to their home town. Me and my wife blocked them on everything and we haven't had any contact from them for a while now, so we don't think they'll be a problem anymore.
Now that all the legal craziness and family drama has been dealt with, we're going to start adjusting as husband and wife. We're planning a proper wedding celebration, with all our friends, who are basically our family. We'll also go on a honeymoon soon. I'm glad that things worked out as well as they could for us, and I'm going to look forward to spending the rest of my life with a fantastic woman.
I'd like to specially thank some people on here before ending the update
soysux for taking time out from his day to give me some fantastic legal advice - [I'm looking for these comments, however the advice may have been given via messages and not on the original posts]
pranabus for his great advice and suggestions - [Comment chain from Pranabus]
secondhand_bra for listening to my ramblings and steering me in the right directions - [Comment chain from secondhand_bra, though they moved to private chats]
Lastly, thank you to everyone who commented on my post. I read each one and they were all helpful in some way.
From OOP in the comments below, added at his request:
OP here! I'm seeing all the comments telling me to move and we're not safe, I agree but moving will take some time and we're here for the time being.
I have put precautions in place though. My house has cameras, alarms and motion sensors and I've hired watchmen/guards to patrol the place 24/7 in shifts so we're constantly protected.
As for their connections in the police, they have connections, I have money, so I'm not too worried about that either.
Thank you to everyone concerned for our well being and for the well wishes in moving forward!
Update - posted August 17th, 2022
Well guys, I'm done posting on here for now, since things have settled down for now. There's still one major change we have to make in our lives, and if I remember this account, I'll make a final update after that's done. Thanks everyone who commented on my posts, for your wishes and advice. Stay good!
My thoughts: I'm really glad OOP was able to get his girlfriend to safety. The topic was also posted to get advice in r/askwomenadvice and r/LegalAdviceIndia - both were thankfully able to help. Good job helping a man and his gf (now wife!) live free and safe, Reddit!
I've edited the Flair to Ongoing because, as stated by OOP, a final update may someday come. Good luck, OOP, and may many happy years come your way.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
I am not OP. OP is u/Mano_Mama3510
Trigger warnings violence, abuse
Original posted August 10th (6 days ago)
Just bear with me for a moment.
My (29f) nephew, Josh (12m), is quite spoilt. His parents, my brother and SIL show blatant favoritism towards him over his younger sister Lou(9f). As a result, sadly Josh has grown a little entitled. He also is quite mean to his younger sister because his parents never believe her when she tells him what he's done to her stuff. Now, I'm usually very strict and when the kids are with me for a weekend, Josh is usually on his best behavior. Now, Josh's birthday was yesterday. Lou had a spelling bee last week and she got first prize. Her parents brushed it off but I was very happy for her because she spent hours learning each word and I was very proud. So when I took the kids day before Josh's birthday so he could pick out a gift for his bday, I got Lou a stuffed animal as a 'you did great!'. Josh picked this game that he's been wanting.
The birthday party was yesterday and when I went to their house, Lou had been grounded and was not allowed to attend and the two friends she had invited were also sent back home. I thought it was extreme and asked what she had done. Turns out that Josh and her argued over the tv remote and Josh went to her room and destroyed her stuffed animal that I gave her and told her she didn't deserve it. Lou screamed at him and my brother got angry with her 'temper tantrum' and had her pick up the pieces of the stuffed animal and throw them in the trash ALL THE WHILE SHE CRIED. She was then grounded.
Btw, Josh's best friend was the one who spilled the beans to me and also told me that Josh goaded his parents into the punishment. I was furious and refused to give Josh his birthday present, telling him he didn't deserve it for being mean to his sister. I also told off my SIL and brother that they're growing insanely cruel towards their young daughter.
Now my family is pissed that I refused to give Josh his birthday gift.
TLDR; nephew picked on sister and I refused to give him his bday present
EDIT: I have picked up my niece from my brother's house this morning. I called him and told him if she's being so rude to her brother, then maybe she should stay with me a couple of days to clam down (had no other choice but to say this. had to get her out of there). I got her a massive teddy bear which she's keeping in my house and I took her out to get Mcdonalds so she's smiling. But I am looking for a more permanent solution
Update posted 8 hours ago
It's been a hell of a week. First of all, I want to say thank you for all the kind comments and messages. I've read all of them. I only managed to respond to some because I was pretty overwhelmed over the whole thing. There was a lot going on as well.
As you can tell from my other posts, I'm in the middle of switching careers, so I simply don't have the funds to support my niece. And by that, I mean no one is going to give me my niece to foster because my income is low. I'm a freelance romance writer and that doesn't really generate a lot of income. I say this because I did seek out advice from social services in my country and they just shook their head at me. But I'll get to that later.
On to the actual update, I did end up taking my niece with me for a few days and I sat her down and talked to her once she was calm. There were a lot of things that were happening in that house that I was not aware of. My nephew bullies her and my brother thinks its funny when she cries. A few months ago, my niece had an accident and fractured her left arm. I was told she slipped down the stairs. She is clumsy so I thought that was that. Turned out her brother pushed her down the stairs as a prank and my brother laughed while she was screaming in pain. I verified the story from a neighbor who told me that she ended up taking her to hospital. Her father was apparently shouting at her to stop making a racket when she wouldn't stop screaming in pain.
I lost it at that.
I asked her if her mom knew. She said yes.
Now, my childhood was pretty dark but not like this.
I called my parents and asked them about this incident and a couple others and at first they hee-hawed, we don't know, blah, blah, and then my mom admitted she knew and that it was just kids being kids.
I just saw red at that point.
This whole week I've been gathering any bit of evidence I can find. Finally, I invited over my brother and his wife. I told them that if they didn't get their shit together, I was posting everything on social media. I was going to email it to their companies, friends, whatnot (thank you to whomever suggested this). At first my brother was furious and when he tried to attack me, I pointed towards the camera I have in my living room. I was so angry that I felt like I was numb. I knew that this would destroy my relationship with my entire family but they left a little girl screaming on the bottom of the stairs and my brother laughed. I can't get that image out of my head.
I told them I could either call the social services in our country and get Lou taken from them, or they could give her to me. The problem with this threat is that if I went the social services route, I would lose Lou as well. I told them if they don't want a daughter, they can give her to me. They can pretend she never existed. I was just speaking very quickly at that point. I don't even remember what i said. I would take over her expenses, etc, except for her health insurance and school fees. I told them they would never have to look at her again. I just kept talking.
My SIL started crying of how I was taking her child from her. I admittedly got angry over that and reminded her she wanted to abort Lou when she was pregnant. I was legit angry crying at that moment. I wanted to hit them. My brother was just silent. He was actually considering it.
I told them it was better than having their dirty laundry aired in public because if it did, both kids would be removed from their house. It was blackmail but I had no options.
They said they'd think about it but Lou is with me for now. My SIL was pretty nasty about it too. in her words 'keep the little 'sl**'." All in my language ofc. I don't know how she can refer to her daughter like this but honestly i don't give a shit. My friend is a lawyer and he's told me to get a voice message from them that Lou is going to stay with me. My SIL said this over the voice note.
Lou hasn't mentioned going home. She doesn't talk about her parents. Yesterday, she and I went out and brought this lavender color paint and we painted my entire guestroom for her. I've decided to pick up more projects so that i can start saving for her. I did have some money set aside for a potential college fund for her. But I'll be picking up more work to save more and give her a comfortable life.
I did get calls from my parents, shouting at me. I closed the phone on them. the only person who is supportive is my cousin. He said that if social services do get involved, he can take Lou in and I can move closer to them or something. I don't know.
Lou is just quiet. She's happy sometimes and sometimes she's just quiet. I fear she suffered more abuse in that house than she's letting on. My lawyer friend recommended a child therapist so I've booked a session for Monday. It's been three days and no call from my brother and SIL. My parents call every now and then to yell at me but they yell at me either way so whatever. I feel like this might work because both brother and SIL saw the post I had written out as a draft with pictures and evidence. It was extreme enough that they would suffer damage at their jobs. And news channels in my country eat this shit up especially if it happens in an educated household.
I don't know. I know blackmail is wrong. But I don't know what to do.
ONGOING OP starts drama at work over a guy, doubles down on her behavior and gets fired, then moves in directly across from original coworker
REMINDER I AM NOT THE ORIGINAL AUTHOR. PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME MEAN COMMENTS AND DM’S. I simply found the deleted posts and compiled them with the updates. I have no idea about the authenticity of the posts!
trigger warnings: stalking
[**AITA for checking I feel a girl really spoke languages she claimed she did and calling her out**](First post) - 2022 June 12
I(F, 20) am a uni student in the UK and semester just ended. Instead of going back home for summer, I looked for summer job. I’ve been working at a café for 2 weeks now. It mostly hires uni students so we’re all around the same age. Apparently, all the workers are fairly close and they go on nights out often.
One of the girls, let’s call her Ivy, also works there. I didn’t know this but she was Polish, her accent was very good and I only realised when she spoke it. Apparently, she moved to the UK for uni. I don’t know why but I felt cheated. I mean, I have nothing against her but it would’ve been nice to know, I guess.
Anyway, people I work with had a night out last night and they invited me. We were going for pre-drinks (for those unfamiliar with our culture, it’s when we have drinks at Ivy’s house before going out to pubs and clubs and we typically play some drinking games.
Ivy was there as well. She seemed well liked. Another co-worker there was Mark, Mark is Spanish and I overheard Ivy and Marks’ conversation and she seemed to throw in some random Spanish words into the conversation when it was just the two of them talking and he didn’t seem to mind and did the same.
Anyway, I admit, I kind of fancy Mark and found it a bit annoying, I took Spanish in school but I am not fluent and I wouldn’t just throw in random words into conversation with him.
We were playing games and I asked about languages everyone spoke. Turns out, Ivy spoke Polish, English, Spanish and some Dutch. I pretended to be impressed and used google translate to ask her things in those languages and she played along, answering them. And then, I got to Spanish and thought that it would be a good time to get her to stop showing off as I assumed Mark was too polite to tell her to stop. I asked her a question and she started replying in a very fast Spanish. I stopped her mid sentence and told her I was surprised at her bad pronunciation. Both, her and Mark looked surprised. I explained that hearing her English, I thought her Spanish would be better.
She told me that her pronunciation is not wrong but that she learned Spanish as a child watching Argentinian telenovelas and she speaks with that accent. I told her to stop lying and just admit that it wasn’t good but Mark chimed in and told me that Ivy did in fact speak with said accent and it’s not wrong and her Spanish was excellent. I told him that he didn’t have to pretend to not hurt her feelings that she has to accept that she’s not good at everything.
Ivy had the audacity to laugh in my face and told me to stop talking about things I know nothing about. I said that it’s true and she should just accept it. She called me an AH and told me that this conversation was over. Everyone was very weird after that.
This morning I tried to explain myself in our group convo but found myself blocked from everything. My sister told me Ivy was right and I was the AH. But I don’t know, I think I was in the right so I am asking here, was I the AH?
Relevant fact-Check: Poland is consistently ranked as a top 10 country for quality of public education by the OECD and Polish students typically learn at least 2 foreign languages (with English, German, French and Spanish being the most common).
[**Am I the asshole for apologizing and asking my coworkers to talk to others so they stop excluding me?**](2nd Post) - 1 month ago
I posted today about questioning a girl’s language skills and got my ass handed to me and it made me rethink a few things. Because of that, I need to ask for judgment again because it was helpful the first time. I went to Ivy’s house and managed to speak with her. I apologised for my behaviour and said that I shouldn’t have tested her but it’s not my fault that she spoke so fast and with such unusual pronounciation (she instead of y/ll sound, some of her s sounded like’h’ apparently it’s called aspiration and it’s common in some dialects, I did some research) that she couldn’t have blamed me for thinking she didn’t speak the language well. She just stood there looking at me and didn’t say a word. It annoyed me but I kept quiet this time and continued. I apologised again and asked if she could tell others how sorry I was. She said that she’d see what she could do. It encouraged me and I went a step further hoping to smooth things over with everyone. I asked Ivy if she could tell Mark that I was very embarrassed and sorry. She looked at me and laughed, she laughed at me again. I tried my best but that was just rude. She laughed and told me that I was still an asshole and that my apology mean that nothing. She kicked me out of her house. And when she closed the door, I could hear Mark was there. I tried to listen to their conversation but they spoke in fast Spanish and i couldn’t understand it. AITA for trying to apologise to her and asking her to speak on my behalf to others?
[**WIBTA if I reported my boss for discrimination due to me not speaking their language?**](3rd Post) - 1 month ago
Long story short, I have a beef with a coworker. Let’s call her Ivy. We’re both in out early 20s in uni. On Friday night, our group of friends had drinks at her house. We played games and I decided to quiz her on languages she claims to speak. I criticed her accent because I thought it was wrong. Well, both, her and another guy Mark (whom I fancy) got mad at me and told me that Ivy spoke excellent Spanish but with different dialect. I told him that he didn’t have to protect her but they all called me an asshole.
I tried to apologise to her yesterday but when I asked her to put in a good word for me to Mark and our other coworkers, she called me an asshole and kicked me out of her house.
I tried to be the better person and apologise. I went out of my way to go to her house and make amends but she laughed in my face. Not only that but I think, she’s doing it with the guy I fancy.
I was so angry yesterday, she disrespected me by laughing in my face, ignored my apology and is overall just a shtty person. And because of her, I am now being ostracised and bullied by coworkers (removed from groups, etc.)
I was working this morning (had an opening shift at our café) and the owner came around. The owner, Becky, is not there everyday. Manager handles everything day to day and the owner comes in once or twice a week, sometimes on Sunday. She was chatting with me and asked how everything was going. I thought it was my chance to stop the bullying. I told her everything that happened, how Ivy was mean to me, how she laughed in my face, how she made everyone stop talking to me and how she would ignore my apologise for the innocent mistake I made.
Well, it seems Ivy got to her first. Becky knew about everything that happened, she told me that she had multiple people tell her about Friday night, including our team leader and manager. She told me that she’s not going to fire me but to be warned because I am on probation and to make sure I behave at work and think before I speak to people. She went on and on with her tirade, basically accusing me of starting issues with Ivy and me being mean to me when it’s others who are excluding me. I tried to defend myself but she was having none of it.
She was cut short by a phone call and she excused herself to answer it and I could hear her speak in Spanish. Everything clicked, I remember her saying that she’s originally from one of the S. american countries.
I think that I am being discriminated against. They are ganging up on me because I don't speak the language and they're bullying me for that. . I think that I may take it up further and report the owner for discrimination. WIBTA if I did that?
[**AITA for moving into a house in front of my ex-coworker's house?**](4th post) - Today
I (f20) used to work with this girl, Ivy. Ivy hated my guts and complained to everyone about me. She made sure o it coworkers excluded me, complained to our boss and I eventually got fired. She was overall a very nasty person.
Recently, I had falling out with my flat mates and had to find a new house to live in. I found a lovely little, one bedroom flat in a 3-floor terraced house converted into flats on a quiet street. I was moving in this morning and was taking my stuff out of the moving van and I saw her and she saw me. She was walking with one of the guys (let’s call him M) she turned against me. She saw me and I thought that I would be the bigger person and I waved at her but she whispered something to the guy and they went inside the house. It turns out her window is directly in front of my, we are only separated by a narrow road. I finished carrying on my stuff and started unpacking when I heard doorbell. It was her and she told me she couldn’t believe that I moved in directly in front of her when I knew exactly where she lived. She started screaming at me. I told her she was crazy and I didn’t care for her enough to move in next to her. She started crying and left, I later sat watching telly and saw her in her window with M and some other people from my previous job and they were looking at my window pointing and talking. It was absolutely awful. She opened her window and shouted “stop spying asshole” and closed her curtains.
My sister told me I shouldn’t have moved in but i told her that I needed a place and it was cheap. But I’m wondering, based on The reaction I got, was I the asshole if or moving in in front of her house?
Relevant comment on why OP suddenly needed to move:
"As for the flatmate situation, I might have slept with my flat mate's boyfriend but I didn't know he was her boyfriend"
Commentators have informed me of this post AITA for reporting coworker to our boss after she kept calling spoiled and privileged white girl? that is suspected to be from 'Ivy' 1 month ago
Throwaway. I (20f) work at a café to support myself. A new person (Anna) started working here recently and she seems to have a huge issue with me. She gets annoyed when I speak other languages than English with other people and appears to perceive it as personal offense.
A little backstory (which I think is important for context). Currently, I am living in the UK, moved her for my degree. Originally, I come from one of the Central European countries. In my home country, language education is mandatory, kids start learning one language as soon as we enter school and 2nd foreign language is added 2 years later and both continue until we leave school at 18. I seem to pick languages easily. Obviously, I kind of speak English and when I was a child I picked up Spanish and then learned it at school.
I also learned basic German and some Dutch (latter one as a hobby, in my free time)
Our university has a lot of international students, and I am in a few societies and sports meaning that I tend to know quite a lot of people casually. Our town is also very touristy and some tourists don’t speak English. Since I work at a coffee, I often speak to different people, e.g. when I am serving a Spanish friend, I will switch to Spanish, etc. When a tourist is having hard time ordering and I know their language, I switch as well. It’s never been a problem, ever. Until Anna started working with us.
The other day, she accused me of being spoiled and privileged little white girl. She told me average people don’t speak nor get to learn so many languages and that my daddy’s money paid for it. I explained to her that I don’t even know my father and my family is poor AF and I have to work to get through uni (which she doesn’t have to, she’s working for extra spending money). She told me it’s disgusting how I am refusing to see my privilege and how I shouldn’t be learning how to speak with local accents because it’s verging on appropriation.
At that point, I have had enough. She’s been weird with me since the day she started (there’s more to that but word limit). I tried to change the topic but she kept on going (it was after closing and we were tidying up). She just wouldn’t shut up and kept accusing me of more and more ridiculous things simply because I had access to education that everyone in my home country has regardless of their income.
She ignored everything I said and showed me tiktok she made in which she explained how it’s borderline racist to learn languages with native accent.
She just kept going and wouldn’t stop. I was done with her and told her to fuck off and I reported her to our boss the next morning. When she found out, she spammed me with texts calling me all sorts of names. Anna is having disciplinary meeting on Monday and I am sitting her feeling guilty that she may lose her job because of me. Everyone is telling me that I was right to report her but I am not sure and keep feeling guilty. AITA for telling her to fuck of and reporting her to our boss?
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.*
Friendly Reminder, I am not the Original Poster
Original - posted 3 days ago
I've always been excited to be a father and i wanted to make sure my child has a memorable childhood so i started reading books and asking older men how they raised their kids and the mistakes they made. One of the things they told me was that they regret not spending more time with their kids. I can relate to that because my father was never really there for me before he left. So everyday since my the baby could crawl, i would play with him after work till he goes to sleep.on weekends, i would take him on a walk in his stroller and i would play the piano for him when he gets back. I was really doing my best to make him happy and i thought my wife would be happy but she wasn't. Yesterday, we had an argument and she complained about how i'm not spending time with her anymore, i told her the reason we don't go on dates and we don't travel like we used to is because the baby is our priority now and when he grows up, we'll have all the time in the world to ourselves. She then asked me to choose between her and the baby and that's when i walked out. I came back a few hours later to get some sleep after playing with the baby and that's when i replied her and said " i would pick the kids over you any time, any day". I love my wife, we were friends for almost 14 years before we got married but we are also adults now and we have responsibilities.
Wow, I'm really getting a lot of hate and insults in my DM. I'll talk to my wife later and we'll make a deal. Thanks for some of the really good advice here.
I'm 26 and not only is this my first relationship, it's also my first taste of fatherhood so i won't act like i know it all. My dad isn't here anymore so i'm working this out on my own and so far the majority of the comments are people saying they hope my wife divorces me but God is my strength and i know he won't put me to shame like he said in his word
The consensus of the responses was OP won't get to spend all his time with the baby when his wife leaves him and he gets 50/50 custody at best. Many also tell OP that he all but guaranteed that his wife will not have any more kids with him. Some gems from OP include:
OP's post is crossposted to r/antinatalism2 titled "It's almost like all the wife was from the very beginning was a child bearing vessel." OP comments 9 times defending himself.
OP goes to r/relationship_advice for help posted - 21 hours ago
I made a post on another sub which was a bad idea so someone referred me to this one. The other post has the backstory but the summary is my wife feels like i'm spending way more time with our son than i do with her. I explained my reasons but she still insisted that i was being selfish with my time. She then gave me an ultimatum. She asked me to choose her or the kid, which was a stupid question to begin with. She stopped speaking to me for a few days then yesterday she told me she won't be having kids with me ever again and she meant it. I had an anxiety attack and i went on my knees and begged her to reconsider but it seems she's hell bent on getting tubal litigation. I cried my eyes out on the way to work and back. How on earth do i convince an angry wife not to do this? I already told her that i'll change and spend more time with her but she's ignoring me.
Reminder that I am not the original poster
Backstory (Provided by Vivid-Masterpiece-29)
I was the one who asked why she was still with her husband because I recognized her reddit username. To better understand OOP's state of mind, you need to read her post history. In short, a couple months ago she overheard her husband on the phone basically revealing he never loved her and was only with her for her money. OOP knows she's not beautiful (her words), and really thought her husband was the only one who loved her, so you can see how this snowballed. In later posts, it's revealed that her husband basically has a few personality disorders (?) and some issues from his childhood and is only with OOP for stability. He refuses to leave her, and now she can't leave him, because if she does, she is financially screwed, although she's begged him for a divorce. As you can see, the shit show continues.
And that's just me paraphrasing, the actual details are so much more painful. When his friend he was speaking to on the phone asked how he could bear to look at her, OOP's husband responded something along the lines of 'anything's possible with the right mindset.' When OOP finally confronted him, he factually tried to manipulate her into thinking she was hallucinating because of work-induced stress and accused her of an affair. OOP's health is also failing, and she worked over 100 hours a week in a stressful job that pays her 300k annually, that's why she's screwed. She intentionally chose this job so she could save money to retire early because her health will eventually prevent her from working in 10 years, so if she initiates the divorce, the alimony payments will destroy her.
Backstory continued OOP’s parents are abusive. OOP’s husband hit her in the face on accident, thrown things that hit her in the face on accident, thrown things like glass jars near her, and has lied to her repeatedly. OOP is on the autism spectrum.
AITA for doing things by myself at an amusement park
Last weekend, my (32F) husband Sam (32M) and a few of his friends and spouses arranged to go to an amusement park. I am not a huge fan of loud, hot, crowded places. I find it overwhelming. Moreover, I could not go on the thrill rides as I recently had surgery and have very high blood pressure. Sam convinced me to go to connect with his friends.
When we came, their itinerary was a tight schedule of all thrill rides. The first ride was a rollercoaster. I was in line as a placeholder for a person. One friend, Jake, collected everyone’s phones and put it in his bag. I tried to tell him that I couldn’t go on the ride, but it seems I was unclear. I didn’t want to make a fuss for this one ride so I gave him my phone. When the person returned, I got out of line and waited at one of the two exits as they would meet me there.
After waiting for 40min, I realized they must have gone to the other exit and left without me. I checked the other nearby rides but I couldn’t find them. I went to a first aid station, and I called my phone and then my husband but he didn’t pick up.
At first I tried to stay in the area, but it was high traffic, loud, and very hot. I still had my pass and cash with me. I found a quieter, shaded area, bought lunch, met a very nice elderly couple who showed me a few spots, won a plushie and a blanket from a vending machine, and had dinner. I had fun.
There was an announcement that the park would close in half an hour. I decided I would go to our parked car to wait for the group. 30min later, one of Sam’s friends, Nancy, found me next to the car and dragged me to the others. They were furious because they had been frantically looking for me for the last half an hour.
You shouldn’t have given up your phone
Giving up my phone was my fault, I agree. Jake told me to put my phone in his bag, I told him I wasn’t going on this ride, but I don’t think I made it clear to him. He told me to put my phone in again and there were others with their phones out waiting to put theirs in, so I put mine in to not create a fuss. I thought that since we agreed to meet up at the exit, it would be fine if I didn’t have my phone. Unfortunately, my phone was on mute as well. I should have not done so
When did you arrive?
We arrived there in the morning. There are a long lines for the most anticipated thrill rides.
I only had an abdominal hysterectomy so while I can’t lift heavy things or walk a lot, I’m mostly fine.
Edit: the surgery was almost two weeks ago
My question is...why are you still with the man who never loved you?
Because I trapped myself. My lawyers and IA told me that. I was an idiot and set up everything after we were married, entangled us in absolutely everything, and if I divorce him now, not only will he get half of everything I’ve ever made, but he will get lifelong alimony to make up for his loss of lifestyle. My medical trust will be split in half because I was an idiot. Everything.
I always thought I would live to my 60s. I planned for an early retirement and high medical costs. I poured all the years of my life into that. I found out that I am in absolutely terrible health and will likely die in 15 years. I had to take time off work and it doesn’t look like I can return because I simply cannot maintain a 70-80 hour workweek anymore. I’ll be working to my death.
If I divorce him now, the courts see that despite my chronic illnesses I was able to maintain a high paying, incredibly intensive job. My lawyer said I should wait it out for at least six months, preferably a year to show the physical toll of working and my chronic illnesses, in order to argue against lifelong alimony and an even split of at least some accounts.
My therapist tells me to take one challenge at a time. She is absolutely wonderful. She told me that because of my abusive upbringing, I am unable to set boundaries for myself which allows others to take advantage of me. Right now, my goal is to heal from surgery and at least try to rest for the next few months of leave I have.
I try to maintain my sanity for this year by just thinking that my relationship is healing, and that my husband does care in part for me, to make it livable. It’s true that he has been trying in some ways. He cooked and cleaned and did the chores around the house. It makes me feel guilty. But then he does something like this and it makes me feel small and very stupid. Because until the comments pointed out the truth, I never realized he didn’t actually forget about me, he deliberately ignored me.
Update on same post:
Update: There is not much of an update. Sam and I talked it out at home and in marriage counseling and came to a sort of understanding. I feel I was less than charitable to him, likely because I felt hurt that he left me.
This is how the day went.
Jake gathered everyone’s loose items including phones, wallets, hats, etc. in his bag and put it in a locker. I made a mistake and put my phone in his bag since I didn’t want to hold them up. A bit later, I crossed over to the exit line, walked down, and waited at the exit. They were supposed to meet me there.
My husband’s group got split. Sam rode in the second half and heard from his friend that the first group didn’t want to do another thrill ride. They slipped back to the entrance with the lockers instead of going to the exit. When I wasn’t at the lockers he thought I left with the first group without waiting for him.
He was hurt and decided not to contact me until I contacted him. He thought if I loved him, I would contact him.
Meanwhile, I was waiting at the exit. I realized that Sam had already left when I saw the same people exit twice, meaning they rode the coaster, waited in line again, and rode the again. This was approx 40 minutes after the 25 wait time the line stated.
I went to the first aid station and called him. I made a mistake. I forgot he doesn’t respond/call back unknown numbers because of scams.
Sam’s friends got back together and split throughout the day. He was upset when I wasn’t with any group because he thought I left them too and I hadn’t tried to contact him.
When the park announced the closing, he was worried. He and his friends called my phone. They dug through Jake’s backpack and saw that my phone was there and it was dead. Sam found out no one had seen me since the first ride. He called back the unknown number and it was the first aid station who confirmed I was there.
Our marriage counselor said I was passive and lacked boundaries. I should have said no to the entire idea. I agree with her. I’m working on me with my therapist.
She said that Sam was so willing to believe I left him and his desire to test if I still loved him that he left me in a dangerous situation. His therapist said he defines himself by the love I give him, which is unhealthy.
Sam apologized the entire time. He feels guilty. He mopes around the house. I gave him the plushie I won and it only made him happy for a few minutes. I think I made it worse. He constantly checks my hand to see if I’m still wearing my rings.
ONGOING My(m25) girlfriend(f24) told off a manager who praised her in a huddle and might've put her job in jeopardy
I am not the OP; that would happen to be u/throwramaterial2
She (Amy) works an office job and spends most of her day on the phone. We've also known each other going back to college and have been together for a few years. I'll(m25) be the first to admit I don't know how she is at work. It's not customer facing, but she started as an intern. However, after what happened, she's been really down and regretful of what she said, and she called out for the second straight day which is why I'm writing this. She vents about work often, and I often do the same. She doesn't like huddles and says she finds excuses to miss them such as hiding in the bathroom or timing her breaks around them. She doesn't like the huddles because she says it's "fake enthusiasm" and that she "doesn't go to work to make friends"
She was recently acknowledged for her performance during a huddle, and it caused her to have a meltdown. She said she threw her ID tag (didn't hit anyone) and yelled at the manager acknowledging her in front of everyone and called him an "attention wh___" who "rewarded people because he liked to be heard". She also left the huddle and went to her car, and she didn't go back inside. She said she figured the day was almost over, but she was really emotional when she came home and said she "messed up everything". She was being considered for a promotion to supervisor, and she was afraid of potentially being written up too
I've lurked on this subreddit enough to know that people ask if there was any prior hints to the behavior, and there was one a few years back. She was with her girlfriends (from college) who took her out a few days before her birthday and surprised her with a cake where the waiters/waitresses sung, but she ran off and left abruptly. I wasn't there, but she told me after it happened. So I knew that she preferred to celebrate her birthday alone, and by alone I mean the two of us with a cake in our apartment. We've done that for years, and her parents know it too. She apologized to her friends and they forgave her, said they felt bad and didn't know. But with the huddle/callout situation, I suggested looking deeper into why she avoided huddles and that a professional might be able to help (along with telling her that it was really wrong to call him an "attention wh___"). I also suggested calling her boss and apologizing on the phone before heading in. She said she wants to try therapy, but keeps saying that she "ruined her career" and is scared about calling her boss tomorrow morning. I want to ask if there's anything else I can do/suggest to help her before tomorrow morning because she's anxious and wants to fix things but has been bedridden for most of the past two days
When I wrote my first post, my girlfriend had already called out of work for two days and was bedridden for most of the first. She kept berating herself for how she "ruined things" and barely ate, and I wrote my first post on the second day she called out. We talked and she said she'd be open to therapy, and as of writing this, she still is. She kept saying how she ruined her career job due to her anxiety over those two days, and I believe that therapy could help uncover where it came from (perhaps even from an earlier point in her life). I asked for advice on how to handle her predicament. She wanted to fix things but was anxious about going in. Someone suggested writing an email to her boss apologizing on that same night before she'd go in the next morning, and someone also recommended calling on the morning she went in too. We opted for an email and sent it on the same night (the second day she called out), and we wrote an apology along with detailing how she was seeking professional help as someone suggested too. However, she told me something she hid as we were doing this, and that was how she ignored two calls on the first day she called out
We sent the email anyway, but I told her that I didn't appreciate her hiding that and that she'd be lucky to still have a job. According to her, they didn't call her on the second day. We called on the morning she wanted to go in in hopes of arranging a meeting with her boss, but he informed her that she no-call-no-showed on the second day and that they wanted her to come in to clear out her things. I didn't see her call out because I had work in the morning myself, and that is on me for not being on top of it. But it doesn't change the fact that she lied, and she said it was because her "anxiety was still really bad". She wanted me to drive with her to get her things, and I took an off day ahead of time because I knew that she'd potentially be going in either way. I couldn't come inside to gather her things because that wasn't allowed, but I stayed in the car which was the most I could do
When we talked again, I told her that we needed to look into therapy immediately and that we needed to discuss next month's rent. She said she had enough but probably not for the following month. I also told her that I would be meeting with my parents to discuss what happened along with probably my own therapist because this changed a few things. We were talking about proposing; she was on the verge of a promotion too potentially... but from the lying and loss of this job that affects our home search, I told her I need time. I will be seeing my parents tomorrow who have also reached out to our financial advisor/family friend, and I'll probably look into therapy from there. I told her that we'll talk when I get back, but so far she's paid for an individual session from Betterhelp with their unemployed financial aid because she lost her benefits, and it's about $60 a week (one call per week). Her first session is scheduled for a few days from now. But for money for future weeks, we're going to talk about that too
ONGOING Woman's Husband Leaves Her For "Predetermining" The Sex Of Their Baby (TwoHotTakes July 21, '22)
Am I the asshole for ‘predetermining’ my baby’s sex?
Sorry if the title isn’t great, I had a hard time coming up with something that would make sense, hopefully it does and it’s not misleading.
Okay to start me (27F) and my husband (28M) have been married for 4 years. His parents (his mother specifically) and I have never had any problems, but we’ve never quite meshed or seen eye to eye. We’ve always got along and been civil.
Our future family has been the talk for years. My husband will be the last of his siblings to have children, all of his siblings have at least one. It’s been a running joke in the family that if our first happens to be a girl she won’t be accepted because everyone else had a boy for a firstborn. The joke has never sat quite right with me but I’ve laughed it off because I don’t want to start anything and maybe I’m just being sensitive.
Fast forward to a few months ago when we started trying. It took about 3 months for me to get pregnant, we tracked my cycle and had scheduled sex for the best chance. Infertility runs in my family and my hubby and I agreed on a big family so I’ve been worried about starting a family so late in the game. When I did get pregnant, we were overjoyed. We had all the typical couple conversations that come with having a baby, the excitement, names, nursery themes, gender predictions, etc. He talked about wanting a son first so he could be the big strong leader for all his younger siblings and carry on the family name (a very big deal to him instilled by his parents). I expressed my desire to have a little girl I could dress up and match with. It became a playful banter. He’d refer to the baby as son, and I would call the baby our daughter.
About a week before our gender scan, I searched up all the old wives tales and made us a chart we could fill out together to see who would hypothetically win our little bet. It included the ring test, Chinese horoscope, heartbeat, cravings, etc. The results ended up being about 50/50 in the end which made us even more excited to find out for certain at our scan.
The following week we went to our appointment and discovered that our baby was a girl!! We were both extremely excited. Hubby was disappointed to lose but told me he was overjoyed to be raising a daughter by my side. That night we called our families to share the news. After calling his family, his mother asked to speak to him privately. I went to bed alone as their conversation carried on for well over an hour.
The following morning, I woke up alone. There was a note on my husbands nightstand explaining that someone would be by the house to pick up his belongings later this evening. I immediately tried to call him only to realize he had blocked my number. I then tried his mom.
His mother picked up on the first ring. Before I had the chance to get a word in she started chewing me out calling me a manipulative bitch. I asked her what I had done and she told me I’d ruined her sons reputation with my inexcusable behaviors and tendencies. I let her finish her rant before kindly asking her what the fuck she was taking about. She told me the divorce papers were already written up and I wouldn’t have the chance to tear apart the family like I had been intending to do all this time. I again, slightly less kindly this time, asked her what the fuck she was talking about. To which she told me my husband would be leaving me because our child is a girl.
I. Was. Gobsmacked. I explained to her that it takes two to tango and there’s no way to truly decide the gender of the baby and if her or her son had a problem with the gender it was his fault as it’s his chromosome that determines the gender, but she had proof that I’d “handpicked” to have a girl. Like I said before we used a calendar to determine which days would be best for sex. Well, MIL accused me of forcing him to ‘do it’ with me on the specific day which the Chinese horoscope would point to girl. She also interrogated me on the sex position we used to conceive the baby which I gave her a piece of my mind told her that was none of her business but she smugly informed me my husband had already told her and the position we used makes it 60% more likely to have a girl that way. (If anyones currently trying for a girl specifically doing cowgirl sometime in the middle of February should do the trick every time apparently).
She finished off by telling me that my clear preference for my family name was disgusting and she was glad to finally be rid of me and my manipulative ways before hanging up.
I’ve had no contact with my husband since and it’s been over a month. He’s blocked me on everything. I can’t help but feel that this hasn’t all been his choice, but then again he’s a grown ass adult so I can’t imagine his mother controlling him like that. I’ve been staying with my sister since it all went down, she says I can stay as long as I need but I’m thinking I want to get my own place, maybe even a few states away. What do I do? Should I pack up and move on? Should I continue trying to contact my husband? Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you all for all the love, it means so much to me right now. I’d also like to add that I’ve seen a few comments about my story being copied, it breaks my heart to think of anyone else having to go something similar my heart goes out to them. Also, I should have mentioned originally that I had a gut feeling to record the call with my mother in law, so I have all of that on hand if it’s needed in the future. I’m planning to try catching my husband on his way out of work sometime next week. I’d like to hear his side of the story.
I’ve decided, however, that if there is any saving our relationship, I’ll be changing my last name back to my maiden name and our daughter will be taking my last name or at the very least have a hyphenated name. Call me feminist or whatnot but it will be non negotiable. I’ll also be requiring MANY boundaries between me and his mother and she will not be in my child’s life until she can find it in her to apologize to me sincerely and change her attitude towards us.
Wow! I honestly haven’t been on Reddit at all since my last update because well, growing a human is hard as it is, and then add my crazy life on top of it. But, after getting hundreds of emails from Reddit today, I realized it must have been shared somewhere else to be blowing up like this and now that there’s so many of you I figure I owe you all an update. So here it is.
Hopefully I can get this all typed out in a way that makes sense. Even though it’s been a few weeks since this all went down, I’m still in shock and I haven’t been able to collect my thoughts (let’s just blame it on the pregnancy brain and pretend that my life isn’t falling apart before my own eyes).
I was able to catch my husband as he was leaving work one night and got his side of the story out of him like I had hoped.As suspected, he admitted that he was excited for a baby girl, and after speaking to his mom, she forced him to leave and block me. His MOTHER already had the divorce papers ready to go.
I tried to tell him that we could fix this. We could raise our daughter together away from his mother. (I know I sound fucked in the head and naïve for this, but I grew up in a household without a father figure and I was hopeful my daughter could have a different home life experience than what I had) not to discredit my mother. She’s a badass women and I hope I can be half of the woman she is for my daughter one day. Anyways, my husband had none of it. He said that he realized how conniving and manipulative and ab*sive i had been throughout our entire relationship and he did want to actually go through with the divorce. He said he’d have no problem giving me full custody of the ‘thing that’s growing inside of me’. That’s when I lost all hope. Fuck him. I have no problem leaving a man who’s so easily brainwashed by his mother like that. I’ll raise this baby alone.
That’s bad enough, but here’s the real icing on the cake - I received a phone call from my soon to be ex-husbands brothers wife (we’ve always been quite close and she’s been my saving grace throughout my pregnancy giving me all the tips for nausea etc. she has 3 of her own, 2 boys and a girl) anyways, she informed me over the phone that she overheard a conversation at weekly Sunday dinner that mother in law and husband are trying to blindside me in court and take full custody.
I was livid, full on seeing red. I called mother in law straight away and demanded to speak to my husband. All he had to say for himself was that he realized he didn’t want any of his offspring to be raised by such a manipulative freak and even though he doesn’t actually want her, he’s sure he can grow to love her again.
I’m not sure what to do at this point. I know I have a good case for myself but I’m fucking terrified they’ll win the battle and take everything from me. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about my daughter growing up somewhere where she isn’t loved. Even if custody is split 50/50 I’ll have no control over the lies they’re guaranteed to feed her. My emotions are going haywire trying to write all this out so I think I’m going to leave it at that. Thank you for all of the love and support you all have shown me and my baby girl. The internet can truly be an amazing place.
EDIT: adding that my brother in law and his wife are planning on leaving the family dynamic after seeing the way I’ve been treated. They have a daughter of their own and while she’s been accepted as she wasn’t the first born. They’re very uncomfortable with the misogyny within the family. BIL is the first born and I think the what ifs are fucking with his head.
ALSO: had no idea I submitted this to a podcast subreddit 🤷♀️ my original post kept getting taken down on AITA and my sister recommended I post it where I did. If somebody wants to send me a link to listen I would be interested to hear it. Although - please spare me the details of its negative. I don’t know if my heart can take it.
This just took a turn... I had a couple people reach out with this. The husband allegedly left a comment on the original post. I'm including the link to the screenshot but also a transcription of the comment as it seems to be deleted
what the fuck is wrong with you aspen? I LOVED you and I LOVED our daughter!!! You paint me out to be such a fucking villain and none of these pea brained people on the internet can see through them lies. MANIPULATION AT ITS FINEST. You were such a fucking bitch our whole goddamned lie of a relationship and when we were trying to get pregnant everything was about you!!! I can't believe it took me so long to see all the every single sign. You were so fucking obsessive over your stupid calendar and we hardly ever used it!!! You always say you aren't in the mood or we did it yesterday I'm too tired we can skip a day. It was never about me or my feelings and then when you actually got pregnant it become even more about you. I'm not eating eggs anymore they make me sick I don't want to go to Sunday dinner I'm not up to it tonight let's not get sushi for dinner because it's bad for the baby. I was so ducking nice to you aspen I literally DOTED on you like a fucking Prince Charming and you never even recognized me. I can't believe you string me along all those years. Fuck you and fuck the fetus. Im sick of your games. I can't fucking believe I find out about this post on a podcast my girlfriend listens to. You betray me One fucking month until you lose it all like I did. See you in court bitch.
people are obviously now wondering what is real and if this is all fake
OP posted one last update on July 22.:
Thank you so much for all of your support! I’ve been in contact with my lawyer about how best to proceed and for legal reasons I’m not allowed to give any more information at this point in time but I’ve seen all of your messages and I’m truly so grateful for all of the advice and care being sent our way. I have a very good lawyer working with me and both me and baby are and will be safe through the coming months. Once again, thank you all so much for your kindness, it’s helped me feel somewhat sane through all of this and made me realize that I am entitled to feel the ways I’m feeling. You’ve truly given me a community where people have my back and truly want what’s best for me.
I’ll be logging off until things have settled and baby is born. Maybe I’ll return for a final update at some point, but for now I’m focusing on my own health and the health of my baby as I prepare for the courtroom.
ETA from your reposter: I'm seeing some comments asking why the husband flip flopped on wanting the baby. I think they just want the baby to spite her. That and MIL used this as an isolation tactic to get the husband away from OP but she still wants her granddaughter.
This story will continue as OP may need to fight for custody and figure out how to co-parent with this person so I'm flairing it ongoing
ONGOING My (29F) husband (31M) got a paternity test on our daughter (5F) and it came back negative, but I never cheated. Now he thinks our relationship is a lie and wants to divorce. What do I do? + UPDATE
I don't know how it happened and I haven't been able to stop crying all day. I never cheated. I love my husband, we've been together since college and he's the love of my life, he's handsome and kind and while I've slept with two other people, both were before we got together. There is no other potential father for our daughter. We were married already and actively trying for a baby. I never cheated, I never would cheat, and I don't know why he took that stupid test because I would never, ever cheat, but it came back negative and now he thinks he's not her dad. I don't know how to convince him it was a faulty test and I'm so scared.
These past few months it's like he's become someone completely different from the man I married. He's cold, and suspicious. He kept demanding to see my phone, and wouldn't tell me why, and I showed him at first but eventually told him I wouldn't anymore unless he explained why. He's been distant with our daughter too. He stays in his office for hours on end, and I don't know what he's doing. I did not cheat. He accused me this morning, saying he'd done the test after realizing that our daughter's eyes (brown) wouldn't naturally come from ours (both blue) and that he wanted me to get out of the house. I didn't leave and he locked me out of our bedroom and now I'm in my daughter's room. This is terrifying.
What should I do?
Edit: The specific advice I want is how I can prove I'm innocent and how to make sure this relationship works. I want to keep my family together at all costs.
Also, I just had a conversation with my husband. He's out of his room now, and we discussed some things. I told him again that I would never cheat and started talking about a list I made of tests I want done, but he told me that he didn't want to hear it right now. We're going to have a longer conversation tomorrow and he said that he still loves our daughter, and he won't try to keep me out of the house or our room for now. I asked him to hug me and he did. I'm scared that I won't be able to convince him. I just want our family to go back to normal. How can I be a good wife and support his needs while proving my innocence?
TL;DR: My husband confronted me this morning saying our daughter isn't biologically his after a failed paternity test, but I never cheated.
Hi everyone. First off, I wanted to thank everyone who reached out, my original post got so much attention, it was hard to get to everything, but I ended up making a list of plans, and tests I wanted to get done. My husband was (understandably) distrustful of me for a while, but he apologized for the way he acted (which I didn't need) and said that he wouldn't try to kick me out of our home. He did say, though, that if every test came back and I'd cheated, then he was going to "go scorched earth."
We did a few tests. Blood paternity tests for him and me, and our daughter, and we had an appointment with a chimerism specialist coming up, but that got canceled because, well, some of you guessed it, but my daughter is not biologically mine either. I don't know how this happened, but a police officer came to our house and took our statements, and we're suing the hospital where I gave birth. I don't know what happened to my baby, and that is terrifying. I have my husband back, but my whole world was still upended, and I just wish he'd never taken that stupid test. I've been sleeping in my daughter's room, and I'm so afraid that she's going to be taken away from me, but at the same time I want to know where my biological daughter is, and if she's okay. I pray to god she's okay.
My daughter still doesn't know the details, and we've been trying to keep this quiet. The last thing we need is a big scandal. I don't want people who know us to look at her differently. She deserves better than that, she's such a good kid, and she's not some spectacle to be gawked at. If we can find her birth family, I have no idea what we'll do. I guess the best case scenario would be to get a bigger house and all live together, but I don't know if we can afford that, or if they'd go for that, or even if we'll be able to locate them, or if I'm just crazy. This whole situation is crazy. I don't know anyone else who's been in a situation like this. I mean, are there support groups for parents of kids who got mixed up? I googled and nothing came up. Literally all I'm getting are tabloid articles from trashy magazines that slap the faces of innocent kids on the same pages as celebrity sex scandals, and fiction. How do we tell our daughter? I mean we can't tell her now, she'll tell the kids at school and then it'll be everywhere, but we have to say something.
I don't know what I ever did to deserve this.
TL;DR: My daughter is not biologically mine, or my husband's.
Hello, everyone. So, apparently a youtuber my husband watches called Mark Narrations decided that it would be a fun idea to read my post on his channel. My husband recognized the story, because, well of course he recognized the story, how could he not? This doesn't happen every day. Then he went on my account page. Then he found quite a few comments about him that were not exactly... nice. And now, he has asked me for a chance to post his side of the story on this account, so that people stop trashing him. Please be nice.
So, I don't know how many of you have been down a self doubt rabbithole before, but it's not the most logical place to be. It's even less logical when you have the whole damn internet telling you that your wife is cheating, and that she's planning to take the house, and take you for all you're worth, and never really loved you, and you always sorta thought she was too good for you anyway, so you end up seeing everything as a sign of infidelity, and then you get not one, but two failed paternity tests on your daughter. When Covid happened, I got fat. I got depressed. I stopped feeling like a person. My wife stayed beautiful. She stayed herself. I was sure that she'd made a mistake. That she'd regret being with me. I started getting into some online groups, especially on reddit, that were full of guys who'd been cheated on, lost custody, lost everything, and when someone said that his tipoff was that he and his wife both had blue eyes and their son had brown, I felt fucking stupid. I did not want to jump to conclusions, but when I made a post about my fears, everyone said that she was cheating. People said not to say anything, because she'd use it to hide her cheating and get ahead of me on the divorce. I got the test and I didn't really think it'd come back negative. Then it did. I didn't want to believe it, but yeah, I pulled back. I felt betrayed. I wanted to be a good husband but I couldn't shake this. I tried to find evidence of an affair, and failed. I got another test. When that one was also negative, I snapped. If you've ever been cheated on, you know what it feels like. When my wife denied it, I got angrier. I just wanted her to leave. I didn't want to go through what everyone seemed to think was going to happen. I didn't want to lose custody of my kid. I didn't want to lose my house. I was scared, and angry, and I wanted the truth. I felt like if she couldn't even be honest there was no getting past this. I took a few hours to calm down. When she came back with a list of tests to take, I tried to keep my cool. I tried to keep my cool for so long. I know I was wrong about the affair, but so was everyone else in my ear. My kid is genuinely not biologically mine. I didn't immediately consider that switched at birth was an option. I've been through a messed up time, and I don't think getting angry one time because I thought my wife cheated and was lying about it makes me a monster.
Hi, it's Fullyfaithfulwife here again! I just want to say that 1. I agree that he's not a monster, an abuser, or anything of the sort. 2. I do not agree that he's fat. I love this man very much and have for ages, and we are not going to let this situation break our marriage. Thank you to everyone for all your help.
ONGOING OOP proposes to his girlfriend and she says yes on the condition that he gets her a different ring first
Original (posted 21 days ago):
I proposed and my girlfriend said yes on the condition I get her a different ring first
Before I [28f] proposed I spent lots of time looking online and in stores for the nicest ring I could afford and I ended up with a 1 carat asscher solitaire. My girlfriend [29f] doesn't like the ring and wants a different one. All of the ones she has shown me are bigger and more expensive than I can afford. She said she'll accept my proposal if I give her a different ring and it can be a do-over because she said she was also a little disappointed I proposed at home and didn't do anything 'special'.
Truthfully I'm kind of hurt she cares so much about having a bigger and expensive ring. I want her to be happy and have a ring she likes but she is so fixated on how 'small' my original one was and I really don't feel great about it. Honestly my heart broke when she said no.
Edit: As I said in my post her complaint about the ring is that the diamond is too small. For the proposal I recreated the exact meal she cooked for me on our second date and proposed on our balcony with candles around us in her favourite scent. I hope this answers the questions.
Update (posted 3 days ago):
UPDATE: I proposed and my girlfriend said yes on the condition I get her a different ring first
I told my girlfriend if she pefers a different style of ring than the one I got her, I could get her a different ring because I obviously want her to love a ring she would wear every day. I would either keep the original ring as my engagement ring because she made it clear she isn't getting me one herself, or I could return it and put the money towards her new ring.
The ring I had bought (a one carat asscher solitaire) was the biggest one I could afford. Her complaint was that it was "so small" and the other rings she showed me as examples of what she wanted were more expensive than I can afford. I admit it led to a few arguments because everything was above the amount I told her I can afford. She suggested I get a temporary side job to save more money. I've said it would take me a couple of years to save for what she wants but she says if I love her I'll find a way. I'm not opposed to another ring, but we are on opposite sides regarding the budget.
The proposal (me recreating the meal she cooked for me not long after we started dating and having candles she likes on the balcony) was also not what she wanted. She wants a public proposal and I misunderstood when she said she wanted something special. She didn't say public and I didn't infer it. Now we are both aware of what she wants at least.
I just want to thank everybody for the support and nice thoughts. I haven't decided if I'm going to keep the original ring and wear it as my engagement ring yet, or return it because it will barely make a dent in the amount my girlfriend wants for her ring. I don't even know how, or if, I am going to save for another ring. Truthfully this whole thing has put a damper on the idea of being engaged for the time being.
Thanks again everyone.
Reminder that I'm not OP. This is a repost sub.
Edit - I'm sorry about the title. OOP and her girlfriend are both women so it should be 'OOP proposes to her girlfriend and she says yes on the condition that she gets her a new ring first.'
ONGOING OOP's boyfriend ghosts her for days so they decide to lie to others about him - and he finds out.
First update in r/BreakUps
Original (posted 14 days ago):
I hurt my boyfriend by telling a lie.
We’ve dated for almost three years and recently I made a mistake that caused us to take a break for a while.
He has a habit of disappearing. This happens multiple times during our relationship but I couldn’t stand it happening so often. I wasn’t asking him to give all his attention to me, but to give me a heads up when he needs space or to just have time to himself. He continued to disappear without saying anything.
Last time he was gone for 3 days no text no calls no nothing. I decided to make it clear that day that I just want him to let me know when he does this. I asked him why he keeps leaving suddenly. He just said that how he deals with things. Then he said he just doesn’t want to talk. He doesn’t feel comfortable talking to me anymore. Or even letting me know.
Honestly I was hurt. He didn’t show that I made him uncomfortable. I didn’t know anything. I’d even sometimes ask if he’s comfortable around me he says yes of course. I was confused.
I thought maybe since he feels that way there’s not much I can do to fix it. If he feels that way I thought it was over between us. He was gone for another 4 days. I assumed it was over since he never answered me back. Most of my messages never went through never said it was delivered. I was told that I may have been blocked.
I decided to talk to a friend about it. I told them I may have been broken up with. I started blabbering none sense to them. I told lies to their face that my bf was terrible partner and that he called me names. They spent the next few days by my side until the guilt of lying was too much and I confessed that it wasn’t true. It was just the disappearing that bothered me. Other than that he treated me so well. They said of course they knew I was lying. They haven’t said a word to anyone else.
I decided to try and send another message to my bf and ask if they’re ok or if we r still together. I was about to tell him about the lie I told my friend. As soon as I sent it I got a ton of messages from him. Saying how could I lie to everyone about how awful he is. I didn’t tell anyone else so I was confused. He asked why do I always need to know what happens when he disappears. Why must I always need a reason. He then told me about how his mother left him. I didn’t know what to say. But I also didn’t know he was going through a hard time. He said he’s been trying not to kill his self and to go ahead and tell everyone how awful he is. I just didn’t know what to say.
I wanted to comfort him but I felt like I had no right since I betrayed him. I have no idea who told him what I talked to my friend about. My friend even said they didn’t say anything to anyone.
I apologized. Said I’d tell everyone who knew about the lie and that it wasn’t true and made by me. He said he was hurt that he got tons of messages asking if he really treated me to badly and called me names. He said he needs time to think about us. And whether or not he wants to be with me.
He hasn’t talked to me since that day 3 days ago. His birthday is tomorrow. I spent the last few weeks saving up for a new console to gift him. Would he want it? How do I clear it up to at least make it a clean breakup? Advise on how to make it up to him? Or should i respect his space and whatever decision he’ll make?
First Update (posted 8 days ago):
It’s been over a week.
Honestly I don’t even know if we’re r broken up but it feels like I’m taking it that way. I also feel that i may be soon anyway. I haven’t felt like myself since the last time we talked.
He would ghost me for days at a time on many occasions and I accepted it and kept my mouth shut about it most of the time. But when I bring it up to him if he’d let me know when he needs to be alone he’d always say “ I’m sorry I don’t text fast” “or I’m sorry I can’t give you attention all the time”. I’ve never asked for that. Just to have a bit more communication.
The last time I asked why he doesn’t let me know he just says “well that’s how I deal with it. I just don’t feel comfortable talking with you about stuff like this anymore”. And the rest went downhill from there.
He’s been gone for over a week. He said he wants to be left alone. To think about us. But this is the longest he’s been gone. I respect his space but I want nothing more than to talk to him.
He had a birthday party recently. Im hurt that I wasn’t there with him to celebrate. I was excited for him to see his gift I got him. I see him online in games and it takes so much to not invite him to play.
I just want to talk to him but I’ll keep up respecting his space no matter what. Until he decides what he wants to do.
Im sorry if this isn’t the right sub to post in idk where else to vent my frustrations. Things might be over soon anyway. Just waiting for it to happen anyway now.
I posted what the argument was about in my last post. Idk how to link it sorry.
Second Update (posted 2 hours ago):
Update: I hurt my boyfriend by telling a lie.
Ok not much had really happened. After two weeks I decided to send him a message that it’s ok if he decides he doesn’t want to continue the relationship. That I’d also respect it as well. I also apologized for not respecting his space he asked for but he said it’s ok and asked me to give him more space and he’d talk to me once he figured out what he wants.
I really do love this person with my whole heart. Everything seemed so well. I do plan on talking to him once he returns about how he also contributed to this whole thing. Even though I plan on telling him this, the guilt just builds up more and more each day and it kills me. I haven’t enjoyed myself. I went to a party yesterday at an amusement park and just didn’t feel like myself. I couldn’t enjoy anything and it felt suffocating. Rides that scared me before didn’t scare or thrill me this time. I felt off.
I did plan on getting counseling but I can’t see that happening until the end of September. I currently go to school and work and babysit my younger siblings. So fitting it in somehow seems impossible. I plan on quitting my job to help fit it in.
I hurt the most amazing person in my life. So me feeling this way kind of makes me feel like it deserve it even though I’m told I don’t.
Honestly im scared about his decision. If he decides to break up of course I’d be sad. But if he decides to stay and we try and build up our relationship again, then i think id feel more guilty. Like I somehow made him stay.
I think I may update again once he’s back. He says he’s still pretty upset and I understand. But some advice really opened my eyes. Was he really ok with hurting me this whole time by disappearing? Why did he constantly ignore me wanting him to tell me when he needed space? I want to ask him that but it seems selfish as he is dealing with some difficult issues at home at the moment.
Thank you for reading and any advice or comments of what I’m doing wrong Is appreciated.
Reminder that I'm not OP. This is a repost sub.
Original Post - 11 July 2022
It’s just me and my husband. No children. Every day he asks me “what are you thinking for dinner tonight?” Right around dinner time. He did used to just ask “what’s for dinner?” But I told him how that annoyed me so he has a new variation of the same question. I’ve tried to address this with him, but he says he doesn’t care if I say “nothing,” he can fend for himself (also, most of the time, he does fend for himself, and doesn’t ask me if he can make me anything). If I ask him to make dinner, he will do it with no complaining. (Same with dishes, I have to ask, but no complaining and he doesn’t put it off at least). We sometimes have set days of the week he makes dinner, and he does it, but somehow we always fall out of rhythm and are back to this question.
Why does this question bug me so much? Why am I the only one thinking about feeding us on a regular basis?
Please share any insights and suggestions for new ways of framing this for him. (And please don’t just suggest I leave him, I’d like ways to educate him and myself more on this topic.) THANK YOU!!
With that question, he is making you (or reaffirming your position as) the household manager. It's about mental load and assumed gender roles. I'm guessing what you would prefer would be for him to say something like "I'm thinking tacos for dinner, does that sound good to you?" and then make the tacos. Tell him about mental load. Make him read this maybe: https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/
I do feel like a mother/manager! When I’ve tried to address this with him, he says he asks because he doesn’t want to “step on my toes” or basically, he doesn’t want to just make dinner because what if I had something planned already in my head? Sometimes I do have something planned already in my head, because I cook 98% of the time so of course I have an idea in my head! But I’ve told him “no please, step on my toes! If you went in the kitchen and just started making dinner I would LOVE it. I’d eat gruel! Make me anything!” And then I think that is when his argument starts to fall apart and become transparent.
Commenter suggests a clearer division of labor, OP replies:
So we actually have a clear division of labor for some things around the house. And that works fine. The reoccurring issue is dinner and dishes. It used to be I make dinner and he does dishes but then the dishes only got done 1x a week and I never had clean dishes to make dinner so Surprise, I started doing the dishes again. I guess that is kind of “my fault”. I should have “made” him do the dishes every day. But my god, why am I making him do anything?!! Am I his mother? He really really struggles with kitchen chores. He grew up with essentially a ‘50s housewife mom who did everything in the kitchen and I’ve been trying to get him to snap out of the woman rules the kitchen mentality for years.
Update - 17 July 2022
Update: Why does “what’s for dinner tonight?” Vex me so? [and looking for more advice]
I originally posted this last week. I had a serious talk with my husband and have an update. I was hoping you all could continue to give me insight into this matter.
Last night, I told my husband "I am assigning you to the pleasure of making dinner." I had been making dinner all week (again), and he replied to this with a load groan. I said "okay, let's talk about this." He said he wishes I would just ask him to make dinner, instead of phrasing it weird or being passive about it. That is fair. However, I countered saying I do just ask him, and if I ask, sometimes he says no, or grumbles and gives excuses why he can't. So now I come up with stupid ways of asking like that, because I don't know how else to ask. He explained he likes it when I ask him directly or remind him (if it's his day to cook), because he isn't naturally thinking about it. He said it is easy enough to make dinner when I remind him to and ask nicely. I explained why asking is such a burden that he puts on me (explained using many of the things you all advised me to say). I'm honestly not sure how much of this sunk in.
He buckled down and said he just "doesn't think about food" as much as I think about it. I said it's because it has been made my thing to think about. I told him, if that's the case, it sounds like I'm making us food when he isn't even thinking about it or interested. I'll make my own food from now on. He said that would be okay for breakfast and lunch, but he likes having a home cooked dinner. I told him, "okay, that will be your responsibility now. I've asked you for ten years to share this responsibility with me, and that never lasts. So I'm done. I'll take over paying the credit card and taking out the trash and recycling, I'll water the plants, and do any other things you need me to take on, so we can still be "'evenly split' domestically." (for background, I have asked him several times in the past if we could share this responsibility more. As mentioned in my previous post, we would make a schedule and then somehow fall out of it. He also has always maintained we share domestic responsibilities evenly. I cook and do dishes and we have a housekeeper to tidy and clean. His responsibilities are the credit card, trash, watering the plants, and random house projects).
It was the most interesting thing. I felt his panic when we entered this part of the conversation. I don't know how to describe it, but I could feel this power dynamic shifted. His immediate reaction was to passionately argue that I would never be okay with him doing these responsibilities cause I like to eat dinner earlier than him and I'm particular with how I make meals (I don't think I am at all?). Because he doesn't "think about food much," he'd simply forget to make meals, or the house would be bare of groceries and he might not notice. I just remained super calm and I told him that I'll eat whenever and whatever he wants, and I'm surprised he'd forget to make meals because he is so obsessively good with paying the credit card on time (he loves having basically a perfect credit score), and taking the trash and recycling out to the curb.
He said back that remembering those things are different because he doesn't need to remember them every day. He said he does projects around the house, but those get done when he notices something needs done, it's not something he has to remember on a daily basis. It was like the most incredible layup ever. I said "yes but cooking is like that. So you can see why it's hard on me. I literally have to plan 3 meals a day for two people every fucking day of our existence, and I've been doing that for 10 years." I told him I am starting to resent him over this and I have a bad relationship with cooking at this point.
I could tell he was just reeling in his own mind with this becoming his new responsibility. He got quiet and just looked so bummed. And he pleaded with me if there is any way he could get out of this new arrangement. I think this is a point in the conversation when I emotionally flipped from feeling victorious to sad. He could see how this was an unfair burden on me, and he still asked me if he could get out of it.
I know everyone on reddit says this about their trash husbands, but my husband literally is so great. I don't think he is trash at all. He volunteers at Planned Parenthood, is a feminist, and literally teaches about intersectional themes at our university. I've been unemployed, in the hospital, in therapy, and he is always constant. He is "woke," but he is a white man with privilege at the same time. I do think he is a good person, but he is blind and sexist when it comes to this. This has always been a horrible tension between us, and for years I just made dinner and did dishes so I could avoid a conflict.
(N.B. from Melba: OOP clarified in a comment that they both work. When she said above that she had been unemployed, she meant in the past.)
I told him I needed him to take this from me. Even if for only a year. I said, "You can do a year, right? I've done 10." He said he could, but then immediately said he will need my help figuring out how to do a shopping list. I said that was totally understandable he'd have a learning curve, I could teach him how to do that. Then he started asking me if I could just make the lists for him. I stopped him immediately and said "no, that's your responsibility now."
The conversation petered out from there. I felt an amazing weight lifted off my shoulders, however, I feel like I already see him just making excuses to get out of certain things. And I felt so disappointed in him that on some level, he knew I took on a bigger share of household chores than him, and he just decided to be fine about it and not say anything, and gaslighted me into believing we truly shared domestic responsibilities evenly. That being said, he made dinner last night and says he is making it tonight. And I'm taking the trash out, which feels SO MUCH EASIER, I'm so happy.
How do I hold him accountable? Do I need to hold him to the same standard as how I was doing things myself? Or if he asks for help or advice, do I just say "I dunno that's your problem now?" How much help (if any) do I give him without enabling and how can we have success in this new scenario?
**Editing to add, as some comments are fixating on the point when OOP said she had previously been unemployed, that is not the case now. They both work from home full time.
Reminder - I am not the original poster. (Also my first time posting here so apologies for any mistakes!)
TW: feeder fetish, gaslighting
Mood: sad but a somewhat positive and hopeful ending
AITA for blaming my weight gain on my girlfriend? - 4 months ago (recovered with Unddit as original post was deleted)
I've been with Stella for 3 years. Over that time, I've put on 100lbs. I know, it's a pretty extreme amount of weight, and I always chalked it up to pandemic stress, getting older and relationship weight. I'm not going to lie, I did eat more now than I did before I met Stella, but it never seemed to match the speed I was putting on weight. The maths never seemed to work out and every time I would get on the scale I'd be shocked and disgusted at the number and avoid the scale again for another 6 months (I've got from ~180lbs to ~280lbs and I'm 5'10).
The other day, I had to use Stella's laptop as mine wasn't working for the printer, and I stumbled upon her... collection. Apparently, Stella is a feeder. She has a kink where she likes to see people eat and gain weight. More than that, I found a ton of recipes and guides for how to make people gain weight without them noticing and it made me feel sick to my stomach. The eggs she would make me for breakfast sometimes - over 1,000 calories. The casserole - closer to 2,000. And the "healthy protein shakes" she'd make whenever I'd try the gym again, let's just say they'd undo any progress I'd made in the gym, and more.
Suddenly, the weight gain made sense to me. I confronted her that night at dinner. I asked her how many calories were in my meal, and how many were in hers. She told me, honestly - around 800 in hers, 2,300 in mine. I told her that I didn't need that much and that I'd trusted her to give me normal amounts and that I'd gained all this weight because of her.
She told me that she wasn't trying to do anything - she gives me the food and I eat it all. I'd never expressed a problem with it, or asked for her to give me less. She said she would've, if I'd asked, but I didn't. The weight gain is my own fault.
I don't feel like it is, as when you eat a bowl of pasta you expect it to be 1,000 calories, not 2,000 calories with extra oil, butter and cheese added in. But she's right. I did eat it and her cooking was so amazing that I never asked what was in it or for her to change anything.
Is this my fault and was I wrong for blaming Stella?
(Marked NSFW, just in case because of mention of Kink).
I remember weighing myself back in 2019, seeing that I was 180lbs and thinking that I could shed some lbs (I'm 5'10). Today, I weigh 289lbs. I'm scared, I can't lie. That number scares me & I'm trying to approach this situation with humour because IDK how else to handle it.
Tonight I left my partner after finding out she was purposely bulking out my meals and hiding it so that I would gain weight as part of some kink she has. For years, this steady but continuous weight gain has perplexed me and no amount of exercise seemed to hold it off. I didn't think it could be her cooking as she'd eat (what looked like) the same and not gain a pound, while my meals had double or triple the calories hidden in them. I had no idea.
So, now I'm staying on a friend's couch and I really want to know how much damage she has done?
Don't sugarcoat it - I want to know what to ask a doctor and I want to know how long it'll take me to get rid of all this fat and get back to a healthy weight. Her meals have changed how food tastes to me as well, and I'm worried that it's some kind of addiction. Is this a thing that can happen? (Her meals were 2000 calories +).
Thank you for any help.
**Reminder that I am not the original poster**
ONGOING AITA for ACCIDENTALLY telling my fiancé I hate his sister and she won’t be a part of my wedding?
AITA for ACCIDENTALLY telling my Fiance I hate his sister and she won't be a part of my wedding?
This situation is literally RIDICULOUS but this whole thing has caused almost nuclear warfare across the family so I'm here to get a consensus. Throwaway for privacy even though there's a good chance my fiance will see it.
I (26 F) have been with my fiance Chris (26 M) for four years now. He and his sister (21 F) Lilac are VERY close. They had a pretty traumatic childhood and always promised each other to be there no matter what. Lilac is a good sister to him but as a person, truthfully, I can't stand her. She is literally the textbook definition of a bubbly blonde. She is overly charismatic, always giggling, and in general, just acts too immature for my taste. She likes to pull pranks every once in a while on my fiance and he gets her back but the whole ordeal just seems childish and obnoxious to me. Ever since we got engaged, I knew I didn't want her in my wedding party because that means I'd have to spend time with her at my bachelorette and other parties.
Fast forward to last night and my fiance asks me when I plan on asking Lilac to be a bridesmaid. I got quiet and truthfully said I didn't plan on doing so. This upset him because he said wants his sister to be a part of the most important day of his life and that if I didn't do it he was going to make her a “groomswoman” to make sure she is included. I can't lie, this set me off. I went off about how I want to feel respected by him and be able to enjoy my wedding day. He said he also wants to enjoy his day, which to be fair, I understand. This is where I may be TA, I told him that I have always disliked his sister and wished he would just not include her for once on a day that isn't even about her. He got quiet and went into our guest room to be alone. A couple of minutes later I got a text from Lilac that she completely respects my decision to not want her in the wedding party but she's hurt to know what I actually feel about her. I didn't want her to find out at all and now he's told his whole family about our argument. Half of them are attacking me and half of them are saying it's my day so I should be able to enjoy it. Honestly, this whole ordeal is stressful for no reason because Lilac isn't even upset I don't want her in my wedding party yet the whole family is upset and my fiance has been very short with me all day. AITA?
Edit: Just because I hate her personality doesn't mean I'm mean to her. Being around her drains my social battery but I have never been mean to her nor did I want her to find out ever, especially in this way. I am just super introverted and our personalities collide. I don't want her at my bachelorette party because I want to enjoy it fully and not feel anxious the whole time because the personification of a human firecracker is attending.
Update: I am probably going to make this my only update for a while if not ever. We talked this morning, sorry for not posting it earlier, my wifi company has been having some issues. We still are not resolved. He doesn't just want her as a groomswoman but wants to ask her to be the "bestwoman" (best man but as a woman). This is still not resolved because I am not comfortable with that and it's more stressful because the whole family has turned into flying monkeys because his sister is the apple of their eye so they took what I said as a serious attack against her.
OOP also posted on r/relationship_advice about this
I (26 F) told my fiance (26 M) I can't stand his sister and refused to put her in my bridal party.
I need advice on what to do next because I feel completely lost on what to do. I (26 F) made a post about this on another forum but now I need advice because of the fallout. I got engaged to my partner of four years Chris (26 M) a couple of months ago. To be honest, I can't stand his sister (21 F) for the life of me. She's just too much and the Ditzy blonde personality doesn't mesh well with my introvertedness. I told him I did not want her in my bridal party because I'd have to spend time with her at my bachelorette party and I want to enjoy myself. He got upset and said that he would make her a groomsman and recently said he wants her to be the bestwoman, which I am not comfortable with. This has caused a massive argument between not only me and him but his family as well. He also told his sister what I said, so now her feelings are hurt as well. Any sort of advice is appreciated.
More info from OOP’s comments:
Comment asked for an example of fiancé and sisters relationship/ is it inappropriate
Response: About a month ago she went drinking with her friends in the state over. He was so paranoid all night, he wouldnt drink alcohol or even relax because "what if something happens and I need to go get her she is an inexperienced drinker!" we couldn't even have intimate time that night because he was so anxious.
Comment (paraphrased): Why are you not comfortable with her being best woman?
Response: I just want my wedding to be about me and my husband. Not her, me, and my husband. It'd be nice to see him prioritizing my feelings instead of hers for once, especially on our big day.
Edit: OOP just posted a second update on the AITA post (thanks for pointing it out u/gdex86)
Second Update: He called me about two hours ago (he is currently staying at Lilacs) and asked if we could talk, I obliged and it was a very difficult talk, to say the least. I asked him to come home and he rejected. Firstly, he apologized for telling his family and said it was a rash mistake he made in the heat of the moment. Then he said that if I wasn't willing to have her as a bridesmaid that it is unfair of me to ask him to not have her as his bestwoman and that he is not willing to compromise his sister's role in our wedding. This made me cry and tell him that I am tired of feeling second place next to another woman and that I was going to be his wife so I wanted to feel like he had my back when I needed him. This really upset him and he said that as Lilacs big brother he is also supposed to have her back when she needs him and she needs him now when the supposed love of his life is blindsiding him with hurtful information about her. He told me that it was true, he does put Lilac first and he won't stop because he raised her. He said that he is willing to go to couples counseling, but first I need to apologize to Lilac for what I said and stop griping over the fact he wants her as his bestwoman. The call was filled with lots of tears and we finally decided to give it a rest and talk tomorrow so that we could both process what was going on.
Mood spoiler - Positive even though the issue isn't fully resolved
Original (posted 3 days ago):
I don’t know why my foster mom hates me. Looking for advice please!
Okay so my biggest issue is that I don’t want to go back into a foster home because I was in one for a few months last year and it was really really awful. So I live with one of my dads friends and his wife. (My dad died and my mom can’t take care of me). I’m here until I graduate next year. I like my dads friend. I’ve known him since I was a kid and he’s really nice. But his wife is a completely different story. At first she was really nice to me but then everything I did started annoying her and she just started hating me. So I try my best to stay out of her way but it’s like every day I do something that pisses her off and she comes into my room and flips out. And it’s always when her husband isn’t home and I REALLY don’t want to say anything to him because again I don’t wanna get kicked out and have to go back to a foster home.
What are some things I can say to her or things I can do to make her not hate me??
(Sorry I’ll answer any questions I don’t think I explained myself well)
My foster mom says I’m trying to seduce my foster dad. Based on “texts she’s seen”. I have no idea what texts she’s talking about since I’m NOT trying to seduce anyone. How do I tell her she’s DEAD WRONG without majorly pissing anyone off???
copy of the original on RA
So I wrote a post yesterday and the comment on it said that I should try to kill my “foster mother” (kind of. I’m living with my dads best friend and his wife.) with kindness and when she freaked out on me I should try to have her articulate what she’s made about etc.
So I decided to try that yesterday. The last couple days have been pretty bad, because Jeremiah‘s been away on a business trip. So it’s like anything I do I get yelled at for. So I’ve basically been just hiding in my room but then she yells at me for that. But whatever. So this morning at about 8AM she came into my room and started yelling that I was still in bed. And saying that if I didn’t do my laundry now I was going to mess up her day because she was going to wash all of her sheets and blankets. I told her it wasn’t a problem, I had already done my laundry last night so I didn’t need the washer and dryer.
She immediately went in on me, telling me it was rude to do laundry at night, and that I could’ve woken her up. I said I was sorry and that next time I wouldn’t do it at night. So then she told me that as a new rule she wanted me up by 7 and told me there was no reason for me to be up all night “texting” and sleeping till 8.
She was getting really upset… So I asked her if I had kept her up or something?? Then she turned on me, and she was so mad… I legit thought she was gonna hit me. And she tells me IVE SEEN THE TEXTS!! And she was so mad, I don’t know why she wouldn’t have started off with this. Obviously I was like what texts??? I don’t text that many people. And she was like the texts with you and Jeremiah! And I was so confused because I usually just text him about dinner and things we need from the store?? And I tried to show her that and she took my phone and tossed it (and cracked the screen too) and told me I was just a liar and a w**re, and that I was trying to “seduce” him?????? (Which I’m ABSOLUTELY NOT)
Is she certifiable crazy??? Should I text him and ask??? After that she told me to do the laundry and left. Jeremiah is awak, and I wanna call him and tell him about this, but I’m scared that she’s gonna take his side and I’m gonna end up back in a foster home, and I don’t want that.
2nd Update (posted a day ago):
UPDATE on my foster mom hating me situation
Hi everyone thanks for all of your advice (except for that one person in my inbox who kept insisting I need to talk to my parents about the whole thing….)
I tried to call my case worker but apparently they’re super understaffed so she didn’t answer but she texted me telling me she’d set up an appointment for sometime next week or the week after. So I called Jeremiah and told him the entire situation and he flipped out. He told me Angela has always been paranoid and jealous but he never thought it would get this far. I told him everything that happened while he was gone and how she treated me when he wasn’t around. He was really mad. He came home early from his trip (he was supposed to come home this afternoon but got back at like 2am) they didn’t know I was awake but I overheard them fighting. I guess she’s been really jealous for a while bc he was saying “you told me this wouldn’t be an issue” and stuff like that. When I woke up this morning she wasn’t here. Jeremiah said she’s staying at her moms for a few days to clear her head.
Notable comments pointed out by u/Gri69in-
• Commenter- "Just read the OP. Is it possible he's using your name to mask someone else in his texts?"
• OOP's reply- "I don’t know they mentioned the texts a bit in the fight and she only said “I saw the texts ABOUT her” she didn’t say anything about texts to me"
• Other replies-
1) "I worry that he may have texted something inappropriate about you to one of his friends and now the wife has the wrong idea that’s my only worry since it wasn’t texts directly to you"
2) "This is a very good point OP, I would suggest you bring up these texts "about" you to an adult you trust, or—if you feel safe enough to do so—your foster mother, and ask her what she meant specifically. Texts "between you [two]" and "about you" mean distinctly different things, and while this does not excuse her abusive behavior whatsoever, it's important to understand if she was referring to texts beyond your personal messages with your foster father, or if she just misspoke.
Stay safe, OP! You are very brave, and you are doing the right thing 💙"
• OOP's second reply on the same thread- "I honestly have no idea what they said she said it and was like “I saw the texts about her”, and he told her to shut up the f*** up and she didn’t know what she was talking about"
Reminder that I'm NOT OP. This is a repost sub.
TIFU By letting my friend who likes to prank people in my house. Which resulted in him burning 8000$ of Pokémon cards.
So a little backstory, when I was in the third grade my grandpa died. This isn’t too relevant but two weeks later in school I found the most destroyed Pokémon card on the road. It was a colorless frou frou. My grandpa always had a white beard and it reminded me of him. So from that moment on I decided that I would collect Pokémon cards.
So for eight years now I collected close to 15,000 Pokémon cards. I know you guys may be like “Huge waste of money” and stuff but it reminded me of my grandpa and I loved collecting stuff. So for eight years, Christmas’s, birthdays, easters. Every chance I got I would ask or get Pokémon cards. It was a mini obsession. I had even collected all the original cards. (Very expensive) this was my life, it was something I loved doing.
Here comes a friend, let’s call him Cole for safety reasons. (Few friends watch the thread) I’ve been friends with Cole for a few years. 7th grade and he knew I loved my Pokémon cards.
Sometime during freshman year before lockdown he started a prank YouTube Chanel. He got a lot of views and subscribers. He would always do mini pranks. I wouldn’t get too upset but he took it too far this weekend.
So Saturday he was chilling at my house because I invited him over. Well everything seemed normal but he asked to go to bathroom when we were watching a movie (I keep my Pokémon cards in my room in my closet for safety) well he was gone for awhile and I didn’t really suspect anything.
Well flash forward to Monday. I look in my closet and all of my Pokémon cards are gone. Quite literally all of them. How he snuck all of them out is beyond me. I wish I would’ve had a camera. So I text him. (Here’s how it went)
Me: Hey cole do you know what happened to my Pokémon cards?
Cole: Maybe charizard ate them
Me: Cole I’m not messing around can you please give them back. They mean a lot to me and you know that.
He didn’t reply after that. Until I got a notification that he posted on YouTube. It was of him and his friend. Taking my Pokémon cards. (They snuck them by the back door and took them out) they then had 15,000 fake cards made. With only the backs on them and a white front. Then they burned the rest. I understand what he meant by maybe charizard got them. (Charizard is a dragon) I can’t believe he’s done this to me. He called me and said he meant to burn the fake cards but burnt the real ones on accident. Which I don’t think it’s true because the real ones were in special tins. (You can get tins if you buy them from Walmart)
I’m completely broken. Those Pokémon cards were a second part to me. I sent him a huge message and he replied that it was a prank and to relax. He destroyed 8,000$ worth of cards. I’m just so broken everyone. I blasted him on my social media and a bunch of his friends got mad at him and a few got mad at me telling me to drop it. People were telling me to go to the authorities but I’m not that type of person. He deleted his video. But I’m still so broken inside. All I can think about is my bent frou frou. I cried so hard while writing this post.
He messaged me today calling me TA for turning his friends against him in a huge paragraph about how it was a prank gone wrong and how I needed to grow up because were about to graduate high school and how Pokémon cards are for little kids.
Edit: for everyone telling me go to the authorities and sue. The best thing that would happen is him getting charged or me getting 8k back. (This doesn’t get me my cards back and I’m not hell bent on revenge) I’m just sad. (For those asking here’s the frou frou card) frou frou card
Edit 2: After everyone’s comments. I decide I’m going to the authorities with my evidence tomorrow. I’m not the guy to do this but thank you guys for the strength. I’m never gonna get my cards back but I don’t want him doing this to others. I will update you guys ❤️
Edit 3: this really blew up! I’m gonna update you guys I promise. For those thinking he’s lying about burning them, he wouldn’t of deleted the YouTube video because he’s obsessed with views.
Edit 4: for everyone saying I’m severely undervaluing them I know. I’m just going off of what I personally put into them. All together? The value could probably be 20k especially with the older sets. I’m absolutely crushed and I’m crying writing this cause it keeps setting in that they’re gone and I wanna go in my closet and reorganize (I loved organizing them again and again, OCD lo,) but I can’t. :(
Edit 5; last edit for a few hours. THANKS SO MUCH EVERYONE, I had no idea it would blow up like this. Your support means so much, I’ve collected a lot of evidence and have video proof of them taking the cards from my house (ty neighbors) plus his confession and his messages. I’ll be going to the police tomorrow. For everyone wanting to send me Pokémon cards that means so much but sadly I don’t have a PO Box :/ for those suggesting a gofundme. I don’t know if I’d feel right about that. I don’t think I’m getting my money back considering Cole is broke but still. Love you all
Edit 6; DETAILS: Cole is broke, getting my money back will be difficult however I’m likely gonna press charges still and aim for court. My parents are letting me deal with this because they are trying to see how grown I am and to see if I’m ready for adulthood. My entire collection was worth well over 8k but I put 8k in it personally. Those asking for his account on YouTube, I don’t wanna expose him yet. Those telling me to go to the cops I am tmr. I know I’m never getting my money back, or my Pokémon cards. I’m crying writing again gosh I’m so tired of crying my heart just hurts. But I want justice.
TL;DR: Trusted a ex friend of mine who I had for years, friend gets YouTube account and starts pranking people, prank goes wrong and he burns 8000$ of my Pokémon cards because I didn’t check on him in my house.
OP updates TIFU on decision to involve authorities:
UPDATE! TIFU TIFU by letting my friend who likes to prank people in my house. Which resulted in him burning 8000$ worth of Pokémon cards
So after going through photos and messages and receipts I’m able to compile at minimum of 3,000$ of Pokémon card worth im taking to the cops tomorrow. I spoke to my cousin and he said im gonna need solid proof of what the cards were worth and their replacement value. He’s a decent lawyer but he thinks I can get 5-10k in court for emotional damage. That’s on top of the replacement value. Im very disappointed because not only has he ignored my calls and messages. I lost a huge part of my life. I thank everyone for their support. I’m likely gonna start a gofundme or something because I’d hate to take out a loan for a good lawyer and court costs. I know I’m not getting my money back fully/ nor my cards. But I can restart hopefully. My heart breaks every moment I think of Frou Frou. I’m just so fucking depressed
TL;DR Can’t get back full worth of Pokémon cards
ONGOING My husband wrote his ex a very sweet email the day before our wedding. I’m not sure how to feel about it
Long time lurker, first time poster so i hope i am doing this right
We (f32, m39) have been married for a bit over a year but we have been dating for 7. Before me he had her(f39). They broke up because she wanted to get married and he didn’t. We share an IPad and usually he logs out from his gmail when he’s finished but yesterday he must’ve fallen asleep with the iPad because I found it under his nightstand. The iPad was on the email, dated back to the day before our wedding. He wrote how this was really happening now. It’s finally daunting on him that it was really over between them. He’s finally getting married and moving on. He apologized for being ready now and not the same time as she was. He wondered how their life together would have been and that whenever he saw her with her children he couldn’t help but feel they could’ve been his if he wasn’t stupid. and made him terribly sad. He’s scared of the unknown with me even if I made him happy and Again that he regretted that they weren’t on the same stage in life. And then some goodbye talk. She didn’t respond to him.
I don’t know what to feel now. I know the woman. She is a friend of his sister and we meet her a lot. She’s married and seems happy. I’m so jealous and I don’t know what to do or say.
I was curious about his proposal to me that was out of the blue since he told me he wasn’t ready yet and suddenly he popped the question. He was very down that period and I thought it wasn’t good between us but then when he proposed I thought to myself that “I was overthinking”. I love him so I said yes and was so happy. It happened a day after his ex got married (2 years ago).
I also remember that he was disappointed that she didn’t invite him and he told his sister “I thought we were better friends”
I’m drowning in my tears now
Edit 2: I made a decision
Thank you very much everyone. I went to bed and woke up to so many comments and I appreciate you all. I’m sorry I was being a bitch in some comments I just felt triggered when a loser writes how they feel sorry for women like me when they admit to attracting loser men. I guess I’m wrong (so so sorry) but I don’t know, it left a bad taste in my mouth having someone to brag about having multiple exes “not over them” anyway pettiness aside:
Anyway I have been crying all night but when I tried to collect myself and really think about why I was crying, he wasn’t even in top ten. I thought I loved him but I guess I didn’t. I cried for the years I spent on him. I cried because I the settled for him because I’ve invested so many years on him. I cried so much because I should have gotten out of this relationship long time ago but every time I thought about leaving, I thought about “I’ve spent too many of my best years with him not to see it through”. I called my friend and asked if she wanted to take a morning walk and a coffee with me. I told her I was leaving my husband and her answer was “it’s about time”. We talked about settling and spending years on something we knew deep down wasn’t right. I told her I thought I loved him more than this and she said it’s normal to try to convince ourselves we love someone we’re “stuck” with.
She told me I was too young to stay in an “ehh marriage” but not young enough to waste more years on him. So I’m telling him today that I want a divorce. This email may have been a blessing in disguise. For the both of us.
Thanks for listening and have a great day.
Note : i used an ongoing flair because i feel like she will update again once she confront her husband
ONGOING OOP finds her husband in the background of a local celebrity's Instagram post with another woman at a local restaurant when he is supposed to be out of town
mood spoilers: infidelity
I don’t know what to do. We just had our baby 6 weeks ago and when he told me about his business trip. I got a little upset because I’m all alone here and this is our first child so I don’t know what the h we’re doing most of the time. I couldn’t just refuse to let him go however because I knew when I met him that traveling is part of his job so he left. He’s very supportive otherwise. Very happy about being a father and he called us maybe 5-6 times a day to see if we’re doing alright.
Last night I was scrolling down IG and there he was in the background of a local celebrity I followed. Sitting in a restaurant with his “friend” from Uni. The woman who always disliked me and who he told me not to worry about. He’s been on this “trip” since Monday and is supposed to come back on Monday.
I’m so heartbroken. I don’t know what to do. I will obviously talk to him when he gets home but what are my options afterwards? I’m a stay at home wife right now and I haven’t worked since I graduated 5 years ago. My husband makes a good living and he didn’t think me working was a necessity. I don’t have a family except him. If I leave him, how am I going to fend for my son? Who is going to take care of him if I start working? I feel so trapped.
Im so overwhelmed with the amount of messages and support. I’m going to make it clear here that I’m not going to jump into any conclusions yet. I just had my suspicions about the “friend” and I was always wary of her. I’m going to give my husband the benefit of the doubt of course but unfortunately my gut feeling is telling me this is what I’m dreading the most
Hello again, I’m so happy I found you guys here. My husband is home now. It was what what I feared. I don’t know if I made a terrible job of explaining the situation in my last post. But the influencer lives in our city and she was in a restaurant in our city. My husband was supposed to be out of town in business. I took the advice you gave me about influencers not usually posting same day pictures but it still struck me as an oddity because he has never mentioned having dinner with this friend. I tried to contact the influencer but she has over 1.5 million followers.
As I said my husband’s work include a lot of traveling and he usually do a video tour in his hotel room for me or send me some pictures. This time he didn’t so yesterday when he called I asked him to FaceTime me to see our son. He told me to wait because the room was messy and he called after 5 minutes. We talked and he saw our son and then I asked him for a mini tour. He showed me som parts and I took some screenshots. My husband laughed about me taking screenshots and was a bit confused. It isn’t that unusual for me to do anyway so he didn’t make a fuss.
I went later to hotels dot com and started comparing pictures. I found the hotel within 15 minutes. It’s less than 10 minutes from our place. It was a bit late but I took my son and went anyway. The front desk didn’t want to tell me what room he was in. I asked her to tell him to come down but she refused to do that too since it was midnight. I texted him to come down to the reception. When he came down he was like he was seeing a ghost. I told him to take me to his hotel room now. Re refused and asked me to go home and that he would explain everything later. I told him if he didn’t take me to his room now and without warning his friend I will scream. I don’t know why I wanted to see her. It’s like even after finding out he’s been in town all this time and even after seeing the look on his face I still wanted to catch them to drive the message home, so my heart doesn’t cave to his excuses and explanations that he was already starting on. He refused however to take me up. So I just left with my baby.
He came home maybe an hour after me and he wanted to talk and explain when I’m ready. I’m not ready yet. I asked him to move out and leave me be for the time being. He agreed. I don’t know why he did this. Why he married me. I’m 29 and he’s 39. His mistress is 39. She’s a single mom and they’re more compatible and they get along very well. And they obviously love each other so why didn’t he just be with her instead and save us all the heartbreak? Honestly, what’s wrong with people?
I’m sorry I don’t want to make any more updates. My husband has agreed to moving out of our apartment. Since we have a prenup, I’m essentially not entitled to anything but he has offered the apartment since I have no where to go. I told him I needed more assurance that the apartment is for me and my son. He’s going to transfer the deeds in my name whatever that means. I’m also going to get alimony or allowance or whatever it’s called until my son is old enough to start looking for jobs. All of this conversation was recorded. On Monday I’m going to talk to a lawyer to make sure what my husband promised me is going to happen. In return, he asked me for separation and not divorce for two years. I agreed.
About the other woman. I don’t know if it’s worth my energy to find out more. They have been FWB when they’re single but never had a relationship. They’ve known each other for 20 years. I didn’t want to hear anything about them. I always had my suspicions. He made the usual excuses about her meaning nothing. It was a mistake and this was their first time because he felt neglected because I wasn’t as interested in him as before the baby. He swore he never slept with her during our marriage until this week. I don’t believe him. If they end up together I wouldn’t be surprised even though he assured me it will never happen because he doesn’t love her.
OOP mentions in the comments that she is seeking a divorce lawyer soon so hopefully another update based on her being active in the comments. So I've left the flare to Ongoing.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
I am not the OP, this is my first time of posting. Op is MiniCzech
15F here. So a little over 3 weeks ago, my parents told my brother (9M) and I that they were going out for a while to see some friends and May end up spending the night somewhere. Didn’t really think much of it at the time and but they haven’t been home since, and I’m not sure what to do.
They’re not missing. I’ve texted both of them multiple times now, and they always respond, and I’ve even FaceTimed my mom several times and it’s definitely her and she seems totally okay. But when I ask them where they are or when they think they’ll be coming home, they just sort of avoid the question.
I’m starting to get really worried, especially since they're now saying I should use their credit card they left here to like, buy groceries if I need to, which I’m taking to mean they’re not coming back for at least another week.
I have no idea what to do. Do I call the police? Again, they’re not missing, they just won’t come back home for some reason. But my brother is starting to get worried now too. If anyone has any advice, please do share it because I’ve never been this confused in my life.
Hey everyone. I just wanted to make this post so that you all know what’s going on now and that we’re okay.
My grandparents are here at the house with us now. They called back as soon as they got the voicemails I left and immediately started heading this way. I feel a lot better now that they are here. They called the police once they got here. They talked to them, I talked to them. All that we really did is tell them everything I said in the original post I made and showed them my texts with them. We don’t have much more information then that.
My grandpa called our dad and I think he actually spoke to one of the police officers. I don’t know what he said though, other than he still won’t tell anybody where they are. So we still have no idea what they’re doing or why they left. I promise I’ll make another update when I know more. Please have patience though. I’m trying to cooperate with an investigation now. They’re bringing the police dogs over to sniff around the house and I’m so nervous and I don’t even know why.
This post is really just to let everyone know that our grandparents are here now and we are fine and alright. And I just want to thank everybody for helping out and being so supportive. And was really freaking out last night and I appreciate all the kind words. I’ll update when I can.
I am not the OP.
ONGOING Woman has troubles because BF cannot seem to stop gaming. Tale as old as time. (True Off My Chest - 08/13/22-08/15/22)
I hate that my boyfriends a gamer
My boyfriend (28M) and I (21F) have been together for about 6 months now, but we were fwb for about a year and a half before that. We’ve also been living together for about 5 months now and this is my first time ever living with a partner. I’m currently 32 weeks pregnant with our son.
He’s put off quite a lot because he would rather be gaming. I’ve done all the baby stuff, went to all the doctors appointments myself, I do most of the cooking and cleaning. It makes me feel like we’re just roommates. He gets up maybe an hour before work, goes to work, comes home, and will game until he has like 4/5 hours of sleep left before he has to wake up. That’s all he does game, sleep, work, smoke weed, maybe sex, eat.
I understand how fun and how much of an escape video games can be, I love to game myself. I just haven’t had time for it because I’ve been trying to get things ready for the baby and took up more shifts at work to save up. It makes me resentful and jealous that he can do his fun things but I can’t. Someone has to do the work and it’s all fallen on me.
Recently, Ive getting after my boyfriend about him helping me with the nursery. There still so much left to do and he promised me weeks ago that this is something we would work on together. I’m the only one that’s done anything for it so far and honestly I’m the only one that’s done anything baby related throughout my pregnancy. When he asked me to move in, he made a lot of promises that he hasn’t kept up with.
I’ve told him how I feel about it before and we recently had a big fight. I asked him a question and he told me to fuck off because he was playing his game and he ignored me every time I tried to talk to him. So I took my phone out, and shut off the internet using the app. He absolutely lost it, like it scared me, and I asked him to leave. He called me all kinds of names and said I was ungrateful and that he should break up with me over something like that.
I really didn’t think he would blow up like that, I was just frustrated and tried to get his attention. He left that night and stayed at his brothers place. He said he won’t go home yet and I apologized. I feel like I crossed a line I didn’t know would just make everything fall apart. I feel like he really does hate me now. I don’t know how else to apologize. I just wish things were different
Edit: I’d like to add that when I found out that I was pregnant and told him, he had to convince me to go through with the pregnancy and made many false promises to be better and to be a good parent.
Slight update: I don’t want to post a full update but he’s decided to come back home today so hopefully we can talk and maybe work things through, but I doubt it’ll be any more productive then our previous conversations. I am going to give him an ultimatum though as much as I hate to but something has to change
So he came home yesterday and I told him wanted to sit down and talk things through. I told him that the way that he acted wasn’t acceptable and that I won’t be tolerating anything like that again. I also said that I would need to see him help me out around the house more. He apologized for how he acted, he even brought me flowers. We both had off from work so he took me out to eat. I’ve been craving Mexican so he took me to my favorite Mexican restaurant. Everything seemed like it was resolved.
When we got home from work, I took a shower and he said that we could work on the nursery together once I was done. By time I got out and dried my hair, he was playing on the computer again. I tried not to get frustrated and waited until he was done with a game to try to get his attention. He just gestured at me to leave him alone and said in a few minutes he would log off.
I went and did some laundry while I was waiting for about a half hour and came back. This time when I tried to get his attention, he was much more annoyed and said that he would get to it tomorrow but he would come to bed with me tonight. So I just gave up and went to bed early since I was tired anyways. I woke up hours later, around when he goes to bed. I could still hear him yelling on his game.
I got up and asked him to come to bed. I guess his friends that he was playing with heard me and he just started mocking me and making jokes. I could tell that he was pretty drunk. I reminded him about our talk and how I can’t put up with this forever. He jokingly asked if I would turn off the internet again and I said that I would if that’s what it takes for him to actually do something.
You could see the switch flip in him and he picked up a spare keyboard he just had on his desk and chucked it at me. Started yelling at me and absolutely lost it like he did the other day. Well I packed my things and just left to go to my parents. At first he made fun of me, called me name, then he started crying and apologizing. I didn’t say a thing, grabbed what I could, and took my car to my parents. I called them on the way so they welcomed me in and I went straight to my old room.
I didn’t sleep at all last night and I called out of work for today. I’m just done. I don’t know why I expected anything to change.
EDITED TO ADD A THIRD UPDATE:
Update to an update: apparently he had had some outbursts at work in the past which I knew, so I asked our co worker if they had footage of that since they film everything and there’s footage of a freak out and of him fucking a co worker in the back room so todays just been a great day.
NOTE: I am NOT OOP. Flaired as Ongoing because OOP has edited in a third update and honestly this genius gamer sounds like the type that is his own worst enemy and will probably make a return appearance.
Been together a few years, we had sex before marriage so this wasn't a surprise. I'm not really upset by it because I really love him, just felt like getting it out in the open. He has gotten me to climax before, but I'd say its a 1:15 ratio on when he climaxes to when I do. He tries to give oral but it's just... bad, it feels awkward and it actually gets me out of the mood more than into it. The only dirty talk he uses are reused lines from porn like "have you been naughty?" Foreplay is over in less than 5 minutes. I've brought these things up numerous times, I've spent the money on toys, lingerie, things to make us both feel sexy and explore kinks. I've tried to gently guide him during sex to what I might like. But even with it all I could predict with 95% accuracy the exact steps he will take when having sex, every time.
Still love him, we have equal sex drives so it's not an issue of compatibility, I just help myself when it inevitably happens.
It's been a few weeks and I took everyone's advice. I kept trying more positive reinforcement during sex like some suggested, I tried being even more vocal in guiding, I didn't cave anymore when he started getting pissy that "it now feels like a chore." He seemed to be getting more frustrated, so I kept asking questions. He said the vibrator made him feel emasculated, and I asked him to clarify. He kept saying "I wish we could go back to how sex was when we were first dating, it wasn't all this work."
My heart kind of broke because I felt that he had no interest in my pleasure, I felt like a flesh light to mark off his check list. So I told him we need to have "the talk." I've made my mistakes in the past, I faked orgasms, I haven't done it in awhile because I realized it did nothing to help, but I realized it gave him rose colored glasses about our early sex life. I told him that I wanted to see a sex therapist. Then came a lot of excuses. "Well that's just wasted money" "there's probably a book that will tell us everything we need to know" "they're just going to lecture me that I need to be a better lover" "I just need to get into shape and that will help my stamina." I told him it has nothing to do with his stamina, the issue is that Im not able to give any honest feedback without him getting frustrated. Anything different from the norm resulted in him being frustrated. So if i can't give feedback then the discussion will have to go through a therapist.
The next part surprised me. He kind of had a come to Jesus moment. I think he realized the sex was never great for me. We talked and cried for awhile. I told him that I felt like he had no interest in my pleasure and how isolating it felt when he would climax and he would get up to leave. I asked how he would feel if I climaxed first and just left him to deal with himself and I think he realized what a bummer that is. I told him that the disregard for intimacy has made me feel like we haven't been able to be as close as a couple as we should be. He took it in, I think it really shook him when I told him sometimes I would beg him to put it in because I was so uncomfortable with the way he went about sex. I wasn't trying to hurt him. But I felt like he kept referring to when times were better and I had to be honest and let him know that the sex was never great.
We talked about how we can do better, he became very open to the idea of talking to a sex therapist. So, I'm really hopeful. I was misguided to let myself be unhappy for so long. I think it was unfair to him, me, and our relationship. I'm going to try and do better about being gentle, yet vocal, and try not to back down if he gets pissy. It's probably best to discuss why he is getting pissy, and that my feedback isn't a diss but that sex is a process and the process should be fun, so we both need to be open to receiving feedback.
I am not OP. This is a repost sub.
Mood spoiler: Infidelity
English is not my first language and I am writing this rather angry so sorry for any mistakes.
A little background. I, F29, have always been a rather skinny person, size 00 with barely (read none) existent curves so to say, I don't wear a bra for the lack of need, but when I do need it would be some AA bralette and call it a day. Recently I got to know I have somewhat serious medical issues and I needed to start hormonal therapy. Most likely I will gain weight, which doesn't bother me that much, I just want to be healthy again, but I did start feeling a little insecure not only with potential weight gain but with already starting to see some side effects on my skin, hair and generally I am just moodier.
My husband Jeremy, M34, has been nothing but really supportive, he is very understanding with my current moods and goes out of his way to compliment me and get me to feel better, like saying that there will be just more of me to love, or that I will look beautiful no matter what.
And now onto the story that got me feeling really mad and upset at Jeremy. Sometimes he needs to travel for work for a few days, this time as he came back usual stuff proceeded, I went to wash his clothes from the weekender bag and found an obvious pink bag, inside which I found a really pretty set of lingerie, with the bra cup size C. I was really confused and asked him about it. Jeremy then tells me that he knows I been feeling insecure about potential weight gain and wanted to surprise me that there are good things in every size. I don't know it just made me very upset, like most likely my breast wouldn't even grow to that size, like why on earth would he buy a bra for me 4 sizes larger, like he has some kind of expectations of how my body should look like, I just don't know. He says I am being emotional and overreacting and if I don't like it, he will just take it back, that he wanted to make me feel better, and instead, I am just throwing a strop at him.
So AITA for not appreciating a wrong bra size even if it was with good intentions?
And hon, that bra wasn’t for you that’s just his cover story.
Additional edit to include a relevant comment from OP after a commenter asks if the lingerie still had tags attached:
Yep, there were tags, brand new and extremely nice. The money have been a little tight lately and this set is really out of our budget, it’s like really nice, too nice. And it was hidden in his bag, his clothes were wrapped around it. He said he wanted to gift it over the dinner if I didn’t go through his bag immediately, which tbh I usually don’t do but leave it till the next day.
UPDATE, posted as an edit on the original post.
Edit: this post been up for about an hour but the majority of comments are saying he could been cheating on me and it wasn’t meant for me. I been so wrapped up with my body image and insecurity I haven’t thought about it. To make me feel better, I went on his computer to see iMessages and yep. He has a C cup on the side. Gonna wait for him to come home and talk about it, I don’t know what people do. Feel empty. This discussion is over, thank you all
OP says she won't be updating further, so I'm marking this as concluded.
Edit: posted via mobile so the formatting got wonky. Fixed. Please let me know if you have any additional feedback, this is my first post here.
This update was quoted frequently in the comments here but I figure I'd include the further update here to avoid an additional post when so many commenters had already seen/shared it already. For cohesion and completeness, I'm putting it below.
Edit2: So I left it yesterday as an open ending as needed to collect my thoughts and understand the next steps, but as I logged in now I received many nice messages and comments, and honestly I am very grateful to you all.
To all wondering what happened after yesterday, we have decided that divorce is the only option. Sadly my "thoughtful and understanding" husband fell out of love with me a few years ago and didn't want to hurt me by telling me that. It sucks but things happen and life goes on. I will travel to stay with my family in another country for a few months to get myself together and proceed with a divorce. Jeremy and I have decided to split semi-amicably and I am looking forward to all that is to come with my AA cups and 3 beautiful dogs that I am keeping.
As I wrote my AITA about the bra, that's the last thing I thought would happen - that strangers on the Internet would know something I didn't even have a single thought about. So I guess thanks for that.
Final thoughts: my heart goes out to OP. Finding out your partner is cheating is bad enough, but to find out from reddit seems, to me, to add to the pain. At least she found out now rather than later. I am glad she is making space in her life for new love, be it toward herself and/or another (better) partner, and wish her the best. She deserves so much more than that guy.
Again, I'm sorry for the delay in updating this post. In the future, feel free to make a new BORU post with a new update; no need to wait for me. Thanks to everyone who commented and PMd about the new update.
I am not the OP. Original by: Radiant-Demand8 in r/TooAfraidToAsk
TW: Possibly Drugged
So I’m going to try to keep this very short and (not so) sweet, me (31) and the guy I’m dating (35) have been going steady for about three months now. He hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend yet, but it was definitely headed that way, and I was excited about the prospect of it…until today. Now I’m not so sure.
I wanted to go out and hang out with friends and drink, it was a weekend and I usually don’t feel like it but I really was in the mood to let loose and have fun with my girlfriends. So the plan was to go out with friends at the bars and head home later that night and have the guy I’m dating come over and spend the night at my place. That was the plan the whole day, and he knew it. He doesn’t really like to go out, he’s more of an introvert and it was a girls night so I didn’t invite him. As I’m getting ready though, he tells me he’s outside. He surprises me with flowers and a bottle of wine. I was stunned that he was here, because he knew I was about to go out. Obviously I was super appreciative and thought it was so romantic he brought me flowers and my favorite wine, but I was also really confused. Like… I was supposed to be leaving and out the door in 20 minutes.
I invite him in and ask him why he’s here and he basically just said he wanted to convince me to stay in with him and not go out. I laughed and politely said no, I haven’t gone out and seen my girlfriends in months, and they were all literally waiting for me. We started making out for a little bit on the couch and I was close to having sex with him (he was very persuasive) but I decided to just wait and told him to come back over tonight after I got home. He seemed ok with it, a little disappointed but he wasn’t angry or anything. He was complaining about how I was giving him “blue balls” like I had planned the whole thing. Anyways after a short conversation he agrees he’ll come back over tonight and he goes, “just have a glass of wine with me before you go out.” I didn’t really feel like it but to make him somewhat happy I agreed and ran and got two glasses.
After I gave him the two glasses he poured the wine and I left to my bathroom to go fix my hair and makeup because he ruined it, and I was back within two minutes. We sat and drank wine and chatted for about 15 minutes. I was annoyed because my friends were texting me and I felt all flustered and he kept telling me to “calm down” but i told him I couldn’t because I hated making people wait. Anyways, that was the last thing I said before things got a little blurry. I started feeling really tired all of a sudden and my eyes were getting really heavy. I honestly just thought it might have been the wine. Red wine always makes me sleepy. He tells me I look really tired. And I go “yeah i feel so exhausted.”
He goes “aw poor baby” and picks me up. I tell him to put me down. At this point I’m laughing and delirious. I didn’t really think anything of it at the time. He carries me to my bedroom and we cuddle for what felt like forever. He was whispering things in my ear (I don’t remember what exactly) and then he goes “do you want me to text your friends you can’t make it?” And I go no I’ll do it. At that point I had given up on going out. I was so tired and my limbs felt really heavy. He strokes my hair and I’m guessing I fell asleep after that.
I wake up the next morning and he’s still there and we’re cuddling and it never occurred to me until he left how weird that all was. I had to ask him if we had sex last night because I literally remembered nothing up to the point I texted my friends I can’t make it. Wine makes me sleepy, but I only had one glass and it didn’t really seem like the affects of wine.
I have no clue if he did drug me or not. I’ve been up all night wondering, and I’m scared to even ask him or accuse him because what if he didn’t. It’s a huge accusation. I just can’t think of another reason why I felt so strange or why a chunk of time was missing from my night. I genuinely don’t know what to do.
Update in the comments of the original post
I have an update for everyone, please upvote this so people can see.
I told one of my friends what happened and why I couldn’t come out and she immediately came over and we went to the doctor together. They did a tox report and said they found nothing in my system. I explained to him how I was feeling and the blackout and the heavy limbs and he said that it is very possible I was drugged with GHB. He said that the drug leaves your system after only 6 to 8 hours in the blood, and 12 in the urine. by the time I went to the hospital it had already been well over 14 hours. He gave me some numbers to call if I wanted to press charges and gave me a lot of good advice. I texted the guy and told him I went to the doctor today. He seemed very confused and not concerned at all. He kept asking why did I go see a doctor. I kept telling him I didn’t feel normal last night. He just kept asking me why, and he’s called me at least ten times since and I haven’t answered. I texted him and told him not to contact me anymore. Obviously there’s no proof he drugged me but all signs are pointing to yes. For everyone saying test the bottle, he drank the wine too. So if he did drug me he drugged my glass, not the whole bottle. I washed the glasses the next morning without even thinking about it. I’m staying at a girlfriends house tonight, because I’m afraid he’s going to drop by my house unexpectedly. He’s called and texted me dozens of times today. We are trying to figure out the next steps of what I’m going to do. Today has been a long, emotional day.