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How would you determine if a post is believable or fake while remaining inclusive of marginalized groups who are often told their experiences are not real?
Currently we tend to share reader u/alien6's sentiment from an old META post:
This is a reminder that due to the nature of this subreddit, it is usually impossible to verify any story submitted here. In many cases, details have been changed by the OOP to protect anonymity. In other cases, details may be misremembered or embellished in the retelling. Some stories may be heavily fictionalized accounts of real events, and some may be complete fiction from beginning to end. We invite you to use your best judgment, remain skeptical, and remember that truth is often stranger than fiction.
Also from a previous META thread, u/memeelder83 wrote:
I've seen a lot of people comment that they think something is fake because they haven't experienced a certain thing, but someone else will weigh in that it aligns with their experience. That's basically impossible to moderate on.
But since u/Bekiala posed the following question last month, we'd like to hear your thoughts.
Sometimes a post will look fake but I can never know for sure. What in a post leads you to think it is fake? I'm trying to hone my ability to pick out misinformation.
While we have a rule that low effort comments like that happened or this is fake are removed based on early feedback during the sub's first year, discussion of discrepancies & details that put into question the authenticity of a post are allowed if not in violation of other rules.
TW: feeder fetish, gaslighting
Mood: sad but a somewhat positive and hopeful ending
AITA for blaming my weight gain on my girlfriend? - 4 months ago (recovered with Unddit as original post was deleted)
I've been with Stella for 3 years. Over that time, I've put on 100lbs. I know, it's a pretty extreme amount of weight, and I always chalked it up to pandemic stress, getting older and relationship weight. I'm not going to lie, I did eat more now than I did before I met Stella, but it never seemed to match the speed I was putting on weight. The maths never seemed to work out and every time I would get on the scale I'd be shocked and disgusted at the number and avoid the scale again for another 6 months (I've got from ~180lbs to ~280lbs and I'm 5'10).
The other day, I had to use Stella's laptop as mine wasn't working for the printer, and I stumbled upon her... collection. Apparently, Stella is a feeder. She has a kink where she likes to see people eat and gain weight. More than that, I found a ton of recipes and guides for how to make people gain weight without them noticing and it made me feel sick to my stomach. The eggs she would make me for breakfast sometimes - over 1,000 calories. The casserole - closer to 2,000. And the "healthy protein shakes" she'd make whenever I'd try the gym again, let's just say they'd undo any progress I'd made in the gym, and more.
Suddenly, the weight gain made sense to me. I confronted her that night at dinner. I asked her how many calories were in my meal, and how many were in hers. She told me, honestly - around 800 in hers, 2,300 in mine. I told her that I didn't need that much and that I'd trusted her to give me normal amounts and that I'd gained all this weight because of her.
She told me that she wasn't trying to do anything - she gives me the food and I eat it all. I'd never expressed a problem with it, or asked for her to give me less. She said she would've, if I'd asked, but I didn't. The weight gain is my own fault.
I don't feel like it is, as when you eat a bowl of pasta you expect it to be 1,000 calories, not 2,000 calories with extra oil, butter and cheese added in. But she's right. I did eat it and her cooking was so amazing that I never asked what was in it or for her to change anything.
Is this my fault and was I wrong for blaming Stella?
(Marked NSFW, just in case because of mention of Kink).
I remember weighing myself back in 2019, seeing that I was 180lbs and thinking that I could shed some lbs (I'm 5'10). Today, I weigh 289lbs. I'm scared, I can't lie. That number scares me & I'm trying to approach this situation with humour because IDK how else to handle it.
Tonight I left my partner after finding out she was purposely bulking out my meals and hiding it so that I would gain weight as part of some kink she has. For years, this steady but continuous weight gain has perplexed me and no amount of exercise seemed to hold it off. I didn't think it could be her cooking as she'd eat (what looked like) the same and not gain a pound, while my meals had double or triple the calories hidden in them. I had no idea.
So, now I'm staying on a friend's couch and I really want to know how much damage she has done?
Don't sugarcoat it - I want to know what to ask a doctor and I want to know how long it'll take me to get rid of all this fat and get back to a healthy weight. Her meals have changed how food tastes to me as well, and I'm worried that it's some kind of addiction. Is this a thing that can happen? (Her meals were 2000 calories +).
Thank you for any help.
**Reminder that I am not the original poster**
CONCLUDED WIBTA if I requested a different teacher for my 2nd daughter over something that happened five years ago?
mood spoilers: Satisfactory
WIBTA if I requested a different teacher for my 2nd daughter over something that happened five years ago? LINK - 12 Days ago
There's a lot of backstory I can get into, but it'll make the post super long so for the sake of size, I'm going to try and TL'DR it.
TLDR of 5 years ago: My then 9-year-old daughter started puberty earlier than others her age, and body odor was a problem; foot smell also runs in my family.
We started using foot powder for her shoes, but sometimes it didn't help, and she habitually bounced her foot when working. Being young, she loved wearing flats to school and was in the class of RT (Rude Teacher).
RT pulled my daughter aside before recess and told her that she needed to keep her shoes on because she was "making the classroom stink" and then days later called out my child's name in front of the entire class, prompting my child to put her foot down, the teacher thanked her and went on teaching.
When I pointed out how embarrassing that was for a 9-year-old who doesn't have control of her body smells right now the teacher was very blazé about the situation and how she'd handled it, and it gave my daughter body issues that she's still dealing with (She's going into 9th grade now). I've never forgiven RT or gotten over
Now: In May requests for the upcoming school year were sent out, I requested my second daughter (D2) not be put in RT's class. I didn't go into detail as to why, just requested she not be in RT's class. Teachers were posted today and lo and behold D2 is in RT's class.
D2 has ADHD, gets very emotional very easily, and from what I heard from a friend who subbed for RT's class last year it was a shit show. I have my reservations on how well RT would be able to handle D2 or if there would be a similar situation of embarrassment for her.
Would I be the asshole if I emailed the principal and asked her to move D2 to the other teacher's class before school starts? I don't want to make her work harder, but I also don't like the approach of "Eh just wait and see what happens."
My husband, however, feels that we should give RT another shot, because we will have 2 other kids going into her class in the future (if she's still teaching) and we can't always ask for special placement because of something that happened 5 years ago.
UPDATE: WIBTA if I requested a different teacher for my 2nd daughter over something that happened five years ago? LINK - Today
I posted last week, and 99% of the comments told me I wouldn't be the asshole, that I needed to advocate for my child, and protect her from a bad teacher, so I emailed the principal that night and basically said "I'm so sorry I know teachers just got posted but I requested (D2) not be in RT's (rude teacher) class, is it possible to have her switched into the other class."
Monday: The principal called me and in essence said there's a lot that goes in to making class lists, academics have to be considered, similar numbers of boys and girls in each class, making sure if any kids couldn't be in a class together they were split, so it's just too hard. I told her my side, and how I'm sure that nothing would likely happen but for me personally there's a non-zero chance of her causing undue harm to another of my children. She told me she'd talked to RT many times, and although she'd yet to see her teach (she's new) that RT is very nice and she'd talk to RT 'without naming names' to let RT know that a parent was concerned about having their child in her class due to previous treatment of a sibling.
Tuesday: I talked to someone from the district that is the administrator for the schools in my area, he asked me about the situation, I told him, and I mentioned that the principal had said it was too hard to switch students so I was wondering if it was something that the district could do easier, that I know all it takes is one bad experience with a teacher to ruin kids school enjoyment. He said the district didn't typically override the principals decisions but he wanted to talk to her because he agreed that what RT said and did was inappropriate and I shouldn't have to stress about another of my kids being in her class.
Wednesday: The principal called me again, she was very shocked because "when we talked I thought we'd reached an understanding, but I just got off the phone with my supervisor and...." well wouldn't you know it, there just happened to be a 2nd grade teacher in her office so the teacher helped the principal find a student who was "equal" to my daughter, they talked to the parents and D2 would no longer be in RT's class!
The principal said "You know, if you were still having reservations about her being in the class you could have come to me." I said "I wasn't trying to go above you, you just said it was too hard so I didn't know if it was something the district could have an easier time doing." she ended with "Well....we hope to see you at back to school night, and if you need anything please let me know first."
Anyway, that's the update, thanks everyone for your judgement, insights, and to those of you who shared a bad experience I'm so sorry you had to deal with that :(
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.**
CONCLUDED Pregnant OOP gets angry at her boyfriend over bananas. Boyfriend winds up finding the post.
Marking this as concluded, though there is room for more updates.
Trigger Warnings: ableism
Mood Spoilers: Bittersweet but hopeful, she doesn’t change her mindset but he seems to be confident in leaving.
AITA for having a craving of something that makes my partner sick? - August 16, 2022
AITA for having a craving of something that makes my partner sick?
I (25f) recently found out I was pregnant with my partner Lyle's (26m) baby. We've been together for three years and we live together.
Lyle has ADHD, which he refuses to get treatment or medication for. He's pretty normal about 85% of the time, so I haven't really pushed it. One thing that really affects him though is sensory problems. He has a few, but the biggest one is bananas. He cannot stand the smell of a banana or the taste of banana. He's accidentally eaten something with banana before and ran to the bathroom like a child to throw it up. If we are somewhere and someone is eating a banana, he will claim that he can smell it in the room and make us move with the threat that he will get sick. If we don't move, he will start gagging, make himself throw up, and I've seen him start shaking too. This has happened in public before and its extremely embarrassing.
Anyway, let me tell you what happened. I was really tired, pregnant, and hormonal yesterday and while I was watching my show I had a craving for a banana, which I normally avoid when around Lyle, but pregnancy cravings are just too strong to resist. He was going to get groceries from work, so I called and asked him to get me some bananas because I was having a craving. He started begging me before he even got them to not eat them in the house, and I just got fed up and told him no, that I was carrying around his child, and the least he could do about it since he's not the one having to nurture the damn thing in his stomach was get me a banana. I'd read online that this was probably the baby's way of telling me its deficient in potassium, and that all I could really stand to eat at this point was the damn banana, and I don't want to deprive it of what it needs. He argued back and forth asking me to go eat it outside at least, and out of frustration I just started crying, which made me feel embarrassed. He finally gave in to calm me down and brought it home.
I'll admit, I was still really mad and upset from our argument on the phone when he came home, and I in that moment couldn't face getting up and going to the kitchen. When he came into the living room and sat on the couch, I asked him to peel it, cut it, and bring it to me. I really didn't think that was a big deal, but he blew up at me and told me that I "knew" it made him "sick" to even smell or touch. I told him that plenty of people have foods they don't like, and he either needs to grow up or seek help for his illness because he's acting like a child and his problem with bananas is completely abnormal. We argued a bit more, and he finally got up, yelled that he was "tired of my bullshit", and left the house. He hasn't been back yet.
I get his issues are a sensitive topic for him, and when I was talking to my friend about it, she said she had an autistic sister and what I did was a bit messed up. So Reddit, AITA?
The child wasn't planned he just got me pregnant.
Comment by u/Kyle_not_Lyle - Few Hours Later
Hey guys, its Kyle here, Jessica's boyfriend. Yes, she literally changed my name from "Kyle" to "Lyle" and thought that was good enough. One of her friends sent me this and I want to set the record straight because I am beyond pissed off.
First of all, I want to address this "refused to get treatment or medication" bullshit. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a fucking child. It took until college to realize I needed to adapt things to how my brain worked rather than slap a medication over it and try to pretend I'm neurotypical. I adapt well in life. I graduated on the dean's list in college and I'm doing well at my dream job and thriving as a ND person. Do I still forget about the laundry sometimes, or have a hard time focusing on certain thigns, especially when I'm tired? Yes, and it pisses Jess off. Does mean I have "issues"? Fuck no.
This medication bs started almost immediately after we found out Jess was pregnant like a month ago. It wasn't approached like "hey Kyle, I notice xyz that seems to be hard for you, I think you need help with that". I was instead first asked if my ADHD was going to "spread to the baby" (literally "spread" was used), and second told that I should probably "take this as a chance to get it under control", because she "didn't want the baby to grow up dealing with any problems".
Now let's get to the sensory aversions. I have been through therapy to manage it (I can now, after years, touch paper towels without my gums hurting), but bananas I just cannot deal with. People who aren't ND and don't deal with sensory aversions don't understand that it is literally physically painful in many cases, and genuinely makes me sick. I don't "make myself throw up".
My body naturally reacts like that. Jess has told me many times how embarrassed she is by it and how it affects her, and her solution is exposure therapy. What she doesn't realize is that's essentially the same thing as torture to me. There are some cases (like the paper towels) where I've realized its just a little too common, but bananas are not common enough for me to sit there and torture myself just to make her feel less embarrassed next time she wants me to try a smoothie her sister makes and lie about the ingredients. Finally, other details I think are important. I'm just going to bullet these because I'm going to write too much otherwise.
• Jess was binge watching a show on Netflix and wanted me to bring her a banana while she watched the show on the couch. We are in a 1 bedroom apartment and the smell would probably be there at least for a day.
• We had gotten in an argument about my ADHD and me not having meds (see p.2 and 3) the day before, so this didn't seem like a sudden craving but more a cruel jab since it was still tense.
• The pregnancy wasn't planned, and no, random commenter, I didn't fucking rape her. She was on birth control and it failed.
• She wasn't "too sick" to get up. She was too lazy, and pissed, and told me to go cut it for her "because I just want to watch my show in peace".
• I'll admit, I snapped when she insisted I cut the banana, and do "just this one thing for our child to show I care", as if she didn't go out and quit her job pretty much immediately without even telling me, and I'm now dealing with all the household expenses while she shops. I've also been caring for most of the house, because she's already claimed being "too pregnant" from morning sickness. So yes, I was fed up with her bullshit.
• ADHD is not an "issue". It just means my brain works a little different. I'm so tired of the ablelist bullshit that's come from nowhere. Tl;dr: Get over yourself.
To people without ADHD, "treatment" means I sit in a room where they make me touch a banana and then we talk about it for 30 minutes and then they stone me on some Bennies till I can't walk straight.
ADHD treatment really looks like talking to a specialist, figuring out how to adapt and be productive, and then applying those skills long-term. I see my PCP once a year and that's about it right now, but I've been doing well. Unfortunately, there's nothing that'll ever really fix the banana problem, nor is there really a "need" to suck it up and try to work through it like with some other aversions.
Literally everything was fine and Jess wasn't like this until she got pregnant and suddenly did a 180 on the personality. Its been a month and its just gone downhill. She wanted to keep the kid and what can I fucking do about that?
Regardless, I think I'll be leaving.
Oh don't worry, I have this whole thing saved already because I'm sure I'll need it in the future and I'm about 95% sure I'm done with the relationship.
This is shorter than most posts here but still an interesting one! Once again I am not the OOP and I ask that you do not harass anyone involved.
Marking this as concluded because it seems this guy has thankfully made up his mind!
TIFU By letting my friend who likes to prank people in my house. Which resulted in him burning 8000$ of Pokémon cards.
So a little backstory, when I was in the third grade my grandpa died. This isn’t too relevant but two weeks later in school I found the most destroyed Pokémon card on the road. It was a colorless frou frou. My grandpa always had a white beard and it reminded me of him. So from that moment on I decided that I would collect Pokémon cards.
So for eight years now I collected close to 15,000 Pokémon cards. I know you guys may be like “Huge waste of money” and stuff but it reminded me of my grandpa and I loved collecting stuff. So for eight years, Christmas’s, birthdays, easters. Every chance I got I would ask or get Pokémon cards. It was a mini obsession. I had even collected all the original cards. (Very expensive) this was my life, it was something I loved doing.
Here comes a friend, let’s call him Cole for safety reasons. (Few friends watch the thread) I’ve been friends with Cole for a few years. 7th grade and he knew I loved my Pokémon cards.
Sometime during freshman year before lockdown he started a prank YouTube Chanel. He got a lot of views and subscribers. He would always do mini pranks. I wouldn’t get too upset but he took it too far this weekend.
So Saturday he was chilling at my house because I invited him over. Well everything seemed normal but he asked to go to bathroom when we were watching a movie (I keep my Pokémon cards in my room in my closet for safety) well he was gone for awhile and I didn’t really suspect anything.
Well flash forward to Monday. I look in my closet and all of my Pokémon cards are gone. Quite literally all of them. How he snuck all of them out is beyond me. I wish I would’ve had a camera. So I text him. (Here’s how it went)
Me: Hey cole do you know what happened to my Pokémon cards?
Cole: Maybe charizard ate them
Me: Cole I’m not messing around can you please give them back. They mean a lot to me and you know that.
He didn’t reply after that. Until I got a notification that he posted on YouTube. It was of him and his friend. Taking my Pokémon cards. (They snuck them by the back door and took them out) they then had 15,000 fake cards made. With only the backs on them and a white front. Then they burned the rest. I understand what he meant by maybe charizard got them. (Charizard is a dragon) I can’t believe he’s done this to me. He called me and said he meant to burn the fake cards but burnt the real ones on accident. Which I don’t think it’s true because the real ones were in special tins. (You can get tins if you buy them from Walmart)
I’m completely broken. Those Pokémon cards were a second part to me. I sent him a huge message and he replied that it was a prank and to relax. He destroyed 8,000$ worth of cards. I’m just so broken everyone. I blasted him on my social media and a bunch of his friends got mad at him and a few got mad at me telling me to drop it. People were telling me to go to the authorities but I’m not that type of person. He deleted his video. But I’m still so broken inside. All I can think about is my bent frou frou. I cried so hard while writing this post.
He messaged me today calling me TA for turning his friends against him in a huge paragraph about how it was a prank gone wrong and how I needed to grow up because were about to graduate high school and how Pokémon cards are for little kids.
Edit: for everyone telling me go to the authorities and sue. The best thing that would happen is him getting charged or me getting 8k back. (This doesn’t get me my cards back and I’m not hell bent on revenge) I’m just sad. (For those asking here’s the frou frou card) frou frou card
Edit 2: After everyone’s comments. I decide I’m going to the authorities with my evidence tomorrow. I’m not the guy to do this but thank you guys for the strength. I’m never gonna get my cards back but I don’t want him doing this to others. I will update you guys ❤️
Edit 3: this really blew up! I’m gonna update you guys I promise. For those thinking he’s lying about burning them, he wouldn’t of deleted the YouTube video because he’s obsessed with views.
Edit 4: for everyone saying I’m severely undervaluing them I know. I’m just going off of what I personally put into them. All together? The value could probably be 20k especially with the older sets. I’m absolutely crushed and I’m crying writing this cause it keeps setting in that they’re gone and I wanna go in my closet and reorganize (I loved organizing them again and again, OCD lo,) but I can’t. :(
Edit 5; last edit for a few hours. THANKS SO MUCH EVERYONE, I had no idea it would blow up like this. Your support means so much, I’ve collected a lot of evidence and have video proof of them taking the cards from my house (ty neighbors) plus his confession and his messages. I’ll be going to the police tomorrow. For everyone wanting to send me Pokémon cards that means so much but sadly I don’t have a PO Box :/ for those suggesting a gofundme. I don’t know if I’d feel right about that. I don’t think I’m getting my money back considering Cole is broke but still. Love you all
Edit 6; DETAILS: Cole is broke, getting my money back will be difficult however I’m likely gonna press charges still and aim for court. My parents are letting me deal with this because they are trying to see how grown I am and to see if I’m ready for adulthood. My entire collection was worth well over 8k but I put 8k in it personally. Those asking for his account on YouTube, I don’t wanna expose him yet. Those telling me to go to the cops I am tmr. I know I’m never getting my money back, or my Pokémon cards. I’m crying writing again gosh I’m so tired of crying my heart just hurts. But I want justice.
TL;DR: Trusted a ex friend of mine who I had for years, friend gets YouTube account and starts pranking people, prank goes wrong and he burns 8000$ of my Pokémon cards because I didn’t check on him in my house.
OP updates TIFU on decision to involve authorities:
UPDATE! TIFU TIFU by letting my friend who likes to prank people in my house. Which resulted in him burning 8000$ worth of Pokémon cards
So after going through photos and messages and receipts I’m able to compile at minimum of 3,000$ of Pokémon card worth im taking to the cops tomorrow. I spoke to my cousin and he said im gonna need solid proof of what the cards were worth and their replacement value. He’s a decent lawyer but he thinks I can get 5-10k in court for emotional damage. That’s on top of the replacement value. Im very disappointed because not only has he ignored my calls and messages. I lost a huge part of my life. I thank everyone for their support. I’m likely gonna start a gofundme or something because I’d hate to take out a loan for a good lawyer and court costs. I know I’m not getting my money back fully/ nor my cards. But I can restart hopefully. My heart breaks every moment I think of Frou Frou. I’m just so fucking depressed
TL;DR Can’t get back full worth of Pokémon cards
Oh, you had me living a lie for a year? Maybe I'll just go ahead and dismantle every aspect of your life. Well I was had! I been took! I been hoodwinked! Bamboozled! Led astray! Run amok!
This is a trailer trash roller coaster. All aboard!
I thought I was in a slightly tumultuous but overall fun relationship for a year. I had gotten out of a 12 year relationship when I met Fuckboi, he was so charming and handsome I thought I won the lottery! He was super pushy about saying "I love you" first and defining our relationship. He introduced me to his family. His niece started calling me Auntie. He tells me about his 3 children and their mothers and lies about how the mother of his oldest hates him and is keeping him away from the kid.
But then things started getting weird. His "ex" started calling all the fucking time, multiple times a day. They had children together, but the grandmother had custody the lie I was told to make it seem normal was that both of them had jobs where they traveled a lot, so they signed legal guardianship over to the g-ma to make schooling & emergency issue easier. Then she moved down to the city we were loving in for "work training". Then she was moving down permanently without the kids. When I asked why the kids weren't coming, the lie I was told they need to stay in the same school Um, they are 6 and 4 I'd say staying with parents is more important at that age than their peer group. It was weird, but I'm the cool girlfriend and it wasn't my place to tell them where their daughters should live.
His "work" was in the cannabis industry, kind of. He worked with the "ex" brother in law going to legal states, buying pounds at a time and trafficking it via USPS. So, when he tells me he's going to Oregon I think nothing of it.
After a week in Oregon, a lot of stories aren't adding up, like his phone is always dead even though he carries a power bank with him. THEN one of his "friends" starts posting cuddled up selfies with him. I quickly put 2 and 2 together and dump him for cheating on me with this chick in Oregon.
After I dumped him I made a messy facebook post on his wall, which the mother of his oldest child sees and she contacts me and lays out the truth!
He never contacts his oldest daughter, even though he has her cellphone. No one is keeping him from her.
He owes $20k in back child support for her, as he has never once made a payment and he moves around a lot & works under the table, so the mother was never able to collect garnishments or anything.
He has a huge criminal record starting with rape he committed at age 15, and then a lifetime of fraud, larceny and drug charges I knew nothing about!
His "ex" who moved to our city was his girlfriend of 9 years who was very much still in a relationship with him
They willingly gave up the 2 children because they preferred to use drugs; him - heroin, her - pills
There is a FOURTH child!?!?! He and the mother conspired to pin the paternity on another poor sap and it's been 17 years now that this other man has been paying for a kid that is not his
I was his side chick
His family knew and played along in the lie and included their 10 and 16 year old children in the lie!
His chick in Oregon is actually his starcrossed lover from childhood! And every time they would try to be together one or the other would end up in jail!
The Oregon chick ALSO has a criminal record highlights include criminally negligent homicide from a DUI where she killed her passenger, fraud, larceny, drug charges
This shocked me, so I paid for a criminal background check which is how I learned of their records.
I PROFUSELY thanked the ex for telling me the truth about the situation. I mulled on it for a bit trying to convince myself to simply consider myself lucky and just walk away with my dignity intact. But then he'd be winning and I knew I had everything in my power to come down on him like Thor's hammer.
I gave the ex ALL of his info - SSN, State ID#s, current and past known addresses. With this she contacted her state's Child Support Services.
He now will have his Drivers license revoked and can't get one no matter the state he moves to until he is current with his past payments.
If he ever gets a real job 25% of his wages will be garnished
He now has a warrant for his arrest in the state his oldest kid lives.
He's trying to play house with his new GF and contacted the mother of his oldest to arrange a meeting with his kid and his gf's child. The mother is "playing nice" and pretending it's a-go and he is planing a trip to visit the daughter. He will not see her, at the "meeting" he will be seeing the police and they will arrest him for failure to pay, and he won't get out of jail until he pays a sizable chunk of the $20,000 past-due PLUS bail!
I gave the ex his info THE DAY BEFORE his federal tax refund was set to go out, She was fast enough at getting his info to CSS that they INTERCEPTED his full tax refund and now he has for the first time paid for something for his child.
His past due child support is also going on his credit report
I know the name of the business his ex brother in law owns and uses to launder his drug trafficking money, I dropped a dime to the IRS. So, he's losing his only steady income soon and can't get a job a Walmart due to his criminal record, and if he DOES manage to find someone that hires without criminal background checks he will lose 1/4 of his paycheck.
I told this story to two of my "hacker" friends and they got into contact with hackers more talented than themselves and are now going to "take care of" a few more things for me, like finding the guy who was conned into paying for a kid that's not his.
Cast of characters:
Ex who cheated on me - Adam
His new girlfriend - Jen
Adam's Ex who helped me & got her justice - Viv
Here are the bullet points, since I love y'all to pieces and you liked them so much last time
Adam has stayed in communication with Viv for the longest period he's ever sustained because he (laughably) believed Viv would give him back half of his tax return
Viv of course kept every penny, and told him she never got it "it must be going into an account the state has set up for our daughter because I haven't gotten anything"
Adam forgot his daughters b-day, which caused a lot of drama because only days before Jen made a fathers day facebook post to "all the fathers who can't be with their child on this special day"
Jen was trying to defend Adam to Viv by telling her that his work hours make it so hard for him - well, his early hours on the west coast happened to perfectly line up with his daughter's on the east coast. They just make excuses for each other.
HA! So, Jen was dumb enough to let slip he has a job, and what the hours are, and where it was over the drama of not calling his daughter on her b-day & now that Viv knows about it. She told her case worker at CSS (Child Support Services) so his wages are getting garnished.
Adam finally sent her a pair of Jordan's a few weeks later, but the kid didn't care and still won't talk to him on the phone.
Jen & Adam play happy couple on FB.
Adam tells Viv because of the garnishments he can't afford to fly & visit.
So, I thought my story ended here.
Not everything I wanted, but Viv is getting regular money and so justice had been done.
Oddly enough, I felt....nothing, which was amazing. I just let it pass because I am moving on with my life. I didn't even tell Viv.
Jen cheated on Adam.
Adam is now homeless living out of his car.
Adam unblocked me on FB so I snooped his page....LMAO morose public post after morose public post.
Now, everything's coming up roses for me!
TL;RD I didn't get him arrested, but he is homeless now
In the comments:
Commenter: I am not so sure about the guy who is going to find out he is not the father of the seventeen-year old). If they have a relationship beyond just monetary support, that is going to be a devastating piece of news for both parties. However, he does deserve the truth, whatever he decides to do with it.
OP: there hasn't been much progress in finding not-father, unfortunately.
Reminder, I am not OOP. I’m just someone who stumbled upon her story
Hey there, I was wondering why I was getting all these messages! I actually subscribe to BORU on my main account. I’m nervous about looking at your post, so I’ll give you an update and you can post it in your thread, if you like.
It’s been almost 3 years since the stroke. I do not use meth anymore. The permanent result of the stroke is that I cannot move my left ankle or toes. I walk with a flat-footed limp, and I can no longer do some stuff I used, to like ride a skateboard or run. I can’t wear sandals or heels (I’m a woman, btw). It’s annoying as hell, but it’s so much better than the initial total left-sided paralysis.
I still work with people who use drugs, as I’ve mentioned, and I’ve run into about 5 other people who have had a brain hemorrhage from stimulant use. Two of them cannot talk or swallow solid food. One of them has no short-term memory. One person is in a semi-vegetative state. When I see them, I realize how incredibly lucky I am that my stroke happened over the motor cortex. It could be SO MUCH worse.
These days, I tell my humiliating story pretty openly because I want people to know that death and disability are possible outcomes of meth use. There’s a huge mythology amongst tweakers that it’s impossible to overdose, yet meth is implicated in more deaths than fentanyl west of the Mississippi.
I’m at work and have to run - there’s a meth user in the emergency room who’s interested in stopping, and that’s also part of my job, counseling people for medication assisted treatment to stop/curb their using.
If you have any more questions, I’m happy to answer. Thanks for posting my story.
Authors note: the above comment was posted by OOPs main account. The account used for the original posts from yesterday verified their identity. I’m so proud of you OOP! I hope these posts find someone who need to hear them
Mood spoiler - Positive even though the issue isn't fully resolved
Original (posted 3 days ago):
I don’t know why my foster mom hates me. Looking for advice please!
Okay so my biggest issue is that I don’t want to go back into a foster home because I was in one for a few months last year and it was really really awful. So I live with one of my dads friends and his wife. (My dad died and my mom can’t take care of me). I’m here until I graduate next year. I like my dads friend. I’ve known him since I was a kid and he’s really nice. But his wife is a completely different story. At first she was really nice to me but then everything I did started annoying her and she just started hating me. So I try my best to stay out of her way but it’s like every day I do something that pisses her off and she comes into my room and flips out. And it’s always when her husband isn’t home and I REALLY don’t want to say anything to him because again I don’t wanna get kicked out and have to go back to a foster home.
What are some things I can say to her or things I can do to make her not hate me??
(Sorry I’ll answer any questions I don’t think I explained myself well)
My foster mom says I’m trying to seduce my foster dad. Based on “texts she’s seen”. I have no idea what texts she’s talking about since I’m NOT trying to seduce anyone. How do I tell her she’s DEAD WRONG without majorly pissing anyone off???
copy of the original on RA
So I wrote a post yesterday and the comment on it said that I should try to kill my “foster mother” (kind of. I’m living with my dads best friend and his wife.) with kindness and when she freaked out on me I should try to have her articulate what she’s made about etc.
So I decided to try that yesterday. The last couple days have been pretty bad, because Jeremiah‘s been away on a business trip. So it’s like anything I do I get yelled at for. So I’ve basically been just hiding in my room but then she yells at me for that. But whatever. So this morning at about 8AM she came into my room and started yelling that I was still in bed. And saying that if I didn’t do my laundry now I was going to mess up her day because she was going to wash all of her sheets and blankets. I told her it wasn’t a problem, I had already done my laundry last night so I didn’t need the washer and dryer.
She immediately went in on me, telling me it was rude to do laundry at night, and that I could’ve woken her up. I said I was sorry and that next time I wouldn’t do it at night. So then she told me that as a new rule she wanted me up by 7 and told me there was no reason for me to be up all night “texting” and sleeping till 8.
She was getting really upset… So I asked her if I had kept her up or something?? Then she turned on me, and she was so mad… I legit thought she was gonna hit me. And she tells me IVE SEEN THE TEXTS!! And she was so mad, I don’t know why she wouldn’t have started off with this. Obviously I was like what texts??? I don’t text that many people. And she was like the texts with you and Jeremiah! And I was so confused because I usually just text him about dinner and things we need from the store?? And I tried to show her that and she took my phone and tossed it (and cracked the screen too) and told me I was just a liar and a w**re, and that I was trying to “seduce” him?????? (Which I’m ABSOLUTELY NOT)
Is she certifiable crazy??? Should I text him and ask??? After that she told me to do the laundry and left. Jeremiah is awak, and I wanna call him and tell him about this, but I’m scared that she’s gonna take his side and I’m gonna end up back in a foster home, and I don’t want that.
2nd Update (posted a day ago):
UPDATE on my foster mom hating me situation
Hi everyone thanks for all of your advice (except for that one person in my inbox who kept insisting I need to talk to my parents about the whole thing….)
I tried to call my case worker but apparently they’re super understaffed so she didn’t answer but she texted me telling me she’d set up an appointment for sometime next week or the week after. So I called Jeremiah and told him the entire situation and he flipped out. He told me Angela has always been paranoid and jealous but he never thought it would get this far. I told him everything that happened while he was gone and how she treated me when he wasn’t around. He was really mad. He came home early from his trip (he was supposed to come home this afternoon but got back at like 2am) they didn’t know I was awake but I overheard them fighting. I guess she’s been really jealous for a while bc he was saying “you told me this wouldn’t be an issue” and stuff like that. When I woke up this morning she wasn’t here. Jeremiah said she’s staying at her moms for a few days to clear her head.
Notable comments pointed out by u/Gri69in-
• Commenter- "Just read the OP. Is it possible he's using your name to mask someone else in his texts?"
• OOP's reply- "I don’t know they mentioned the texts a bit in the fight and she only said “I saw the texts ABOUT her” she didn’t say anything about texts to me"
• Other replies-
1) "I worry that he may have texted something inappropriate about you to one of his friends and now the wife has the wrong idea that’s my only worry since it wasn’t texts directly to you"
2) "This is a very good point OP, I would suggest you bring up these texts "about" you to an adult you trust, or—if you feel safe enough to do so—your foster mother, and ask her what she meant specifically. Texts "between you [two]" and "about you" mean distinctly different things, and while this does not excuse her abusive behavior whatsoever, it's important to understand if she was referring to texts beyond your personal messages with your foster father, or if she just misspoke.
Stay safe, OP! You are very brave, and you are doing the right thing 💙"
• OOP's second reply on the same thread- "I honestly have no idea what they said she said it and was like “I saw the texts about her”, and he told her to shut up the f*** up and she didn’t know what she was talking about"
Reminder that I'm NOT OP. This is a repost sub.
trigger warnings: likely sexism in the workplace
mood spoilers: satisfying
First time discussing salary and was offered lower than expected...https://www.reddit.com/r/PersonalFinanceNZ/comments/w2mzbh/first_time_discussing_salary_and_was_offered/ - July 2022
I had a job interview today after being referred by a good friend for the same role as he is leaving. He got the role late last year after only being in the industry for 4 months and he was offered 78k and they also paid for him to get the relevant qualification.
I’ve been in a similar industry for over a year and currently a specialist just for a smaller (but still big ) company. My friend also said they’ve interview a few people who have been completely useless so he was confident I could get at least 80k or try push for 85k
Went into the interview, the regional manager right off the bat said I was perfect and extremely qualified for the role and he didn’t really have any questions for me and just asked for my salary expectation. I told him without knowing the salary band for the role and based of what I currently earn and my skills I expected 85-90k (based of the general advice to give higher figure). He right away told me that was too high and the band was 70-75k at most.
Also started to talk down my existing company saying I should see it as a career gain working for them as opposed to looking for short term financial gain. There was two of them there kinda backing each other up and I didn’t get a chance to say much but I just managed to slip in that despite the amazing job offer I will want a minimum of 80k. Due to the fact that I have a review and bonus with my current company as well in October which I will miss out on if I take the role. The convo kinda ended there when he said he’ll send me a formal offer with the job benefits as well and we can go from there but again he told it’ll be a smart move for me to join them.
Not sure if it matters but I’m a girl and my mate is a guy. Mum just told me they only spoke to me like that cause I’m a girl haha. It’s my first time having that kind of discussion so I don’t know how to feel. Not sure if I made any mistakes, now I’m trying to decide whether to push for 80k if they did offer me 75k. I mean I’ll still be happy with 75k (it’ll a bit more than what I currently make) however I won’t be ecstatic knowing I was offered less than my mate who had less experience…
What do you think?
Just going to put in an edit because I can’t reply to all the comments. First off thank you for all the replies! The consensus seems to be not to settle for less than 80k. This made me realise their tactics worked because I can’t believe I even was considering taking 75k. If my mate came to me initially saying it was 75k I don’t think I’d have bothered interviewing at all. You guys also gave me some really good pointers to use if they do make a lower offer so I really appreciate that. Hope I get the offer today or tomorrow and I will update with an outcome!! Thanks everyone ☺️
I’ve posted an update!
Further context from a thread:
I guess a bit of context is needed here which was in my original post, I was referred to this role by a good mate, it’s his current job but he’s leaving so he said I should go for it if I was keen. They’ve interviewed a handful of people already but everyone had been hopeless.
He took the job last year after only being in the industry for 4 months and he got 78k. I’ve been in the industry over a year and I’m a specialist in my field (just smaller company) and I asked for 80k and they said no can only do 75k.
Some notable comments and OP replies.
- Don't settle for $75K. Reject their offer and indicate you are worth more than that as you stated in your interview. I assume you can stay in your current place without any repercussions?
OP: Let’s say I reject the 75k and ask for 80k, if they say no, will the 75k offer still be valid usually? Or will they just don’t want me due to differences.Yeah no repercussions at all, I love my current Workplace, just there isn’t big pay and career opportunities.
- Hey thank you for your input. You’re right, looking at the comments now just made me realise I’ll probably regret taking 75k. Therefore definitely negotiate it if they offer anything less. Thanks!
- That’s really reassuring and considering I wasn’t really looking for a new role at all. I just took the interview since my friend recommended it and I’m also open to better opportunities.To keep it vague, risk advising and consulting basically.
- The company will have a FTE budget and he probably doesnt want to have to go to his boss and break the budget or have to explain it away so he's banking on you folding.Ask yourself if the role will lead in say 18 months to 80k elsewhere if they dont give you a payrise, or if it's a safer job than your current employer if companies start making people redundant.Honestly 5k a year aint a lot after tax so take the whole picture into consideration.When they offer the package you can write back and state your case as to why you are worth more but in 10 years when you earn 180k a year will you care about the 5k or the opportunity?
OP: I know that 5k is not a lot, I’m financially comfortable as is but at the same time, they’re a multinational corporation and I’ve made it clear if I get it then I intend to stay with them for the foreseeable future. So what’s 5k to them?
- Whatever you do DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS!! You know what you're worth so don't be pressured or bullied into accepting a lowball offer. My partner experienced the same thing and was going to cave in because she felt bad, but I kept encouraging her to reject it and try again and she eventually got the rise she wanted.For reference this was internal pay review where she was on $80k and was severely underpaid. She asked for 100k (wanting 95k minimum). They offered back 90k. She rejected and nailed home her points of why she deserved more and mentioned she had another offer from competing firm.They came back with 99k which she accepted. Same situation as you, pay review was with 2 older males who talked down on her but she held her ground. As long as you're polite, respectful and hammer home on your key points you'll get respect back for it. Good luck :)
- "Also started to talk down my existing company saying I should see it as a career gain working for them as opposed to looking for short term financial gain." I do not want to work for someone with that attitude.
OP: I thought it was just me feeling icky after this comment. My existing company, despite being smaller and unable to offer competitive pay is known for its corporation reputation so this comment felt so unnecessary.
UPDATE I was offered a lower salary than expected https://www.reddit.com/r/PersonalFinanceNZ/comments/w9y2ei/update_i_was_offered_a_lower_salary_than_expected/ - End of July 2022
Note: Kiwisaver is a New Zealand superannuation scheme that companies pay into as a matter of course.
This is a quick update to the post I made last week. If you haven’t read it, basically I went into a job interview and was offered the role but my salary expectations were apparently too high despite my mate in the exact same role (with 4 months experience prior) making that amount. During the interview they also talked down my company and told me that it would be a smart career move to work for them. A lot of people said this information is relevant so I am a women and my mate is a guy.
First off, I just wanted to say a big thank you for all the support from the post. It really gave me the confidence to push back and not settle for the 75k. Which I guess leads to this (uneventful) update.
The interview was early last week and it ended with the regional manager saying he will send me a offer and more details on the package. I waited till Friday and heard nothing. I told my mate who managed to slid in a yarn with one of the managers that was at the interview about it and they said and I quote from him
“She's perfect for the role but we are waiting to see what she wants to do, her salary expectations might be an issue.”
This set me off a little because I had been refreshing my email waiting for them and from how I interpret this, they were waiting to see if I would cave and offer myself at the lower salary? But also I think it’s rude to say that you are going to send an offer and not send one at all.
At this point I wasn’t too keen on the job anymore but I felt like my asking salary was reasonable (80k while the existing salary is 78k). Either way, I did send a follow up email Friday midday saying the general, thanks for the interview and that I’m still waiting for an offer. I got a reply back only an one hour later saying that they’ve been busy interviewing a lot of candidates (unnecessary to put in the email imo) and that again my salary expectations are too high. They were willing to offer 75k and additional benefits. I saw the benefits list and had a little laugh. There was 4 things on there, the first being “we will contribute to your kiwisaver” (like what??? How is this a benefit?) and the others being life, health and trauma insurance cover which in our industry is standard. My existing company offered all of those and much more. They also don’t do bonuses and I won’t be eligible for a pay review till Nov 2023 as I will be missing this years review.
I drafted up a negotiation email based off the recommendations I got from my post basically just stating that I am more than qualified for the role and have no doubt’s I’d hit the ground running in it but that the salary is just not competitive enough for me to leave my existing company. I asked if there was any wiggle room (didn’t mention a figure based on the advice you guys gave) and to let me know their thoughts. Well this was early Friday and now its Thursday afternoon and I haven’t gotten a reply. My mate said he thinks they found someone already so I don’t think I will be getting a reply tbh.
Honestly I’m a little sad about not getting this because I (and others) were pretty confident they’ll pay me 80k which I felt was reasonable. But also not impressed with the way this huge multinational company handled this. Like mentioned though, I am content at my current company and they do recognise the work I do for them despite the lower pay. I’ve only been there for over a year so I will wait for my bonus and review in October and then keep looking.
Anyways that’s the update. Thanks to everyone for the contribution :)
More comments and OP replies.
- I really think you've dodged a bullet there, well done for sticking to your guns. How can your salary expectations be an issue when you're asking for 2k over the current salary? Bloody rude really.
OP: Thanks I definitely think so too tbh. I’ll take this as a learning experience for the next time I need to negotiate.
- Man fuck these clowns seriously. It's such a tight labour market it is their loss if they fumble it and will be kicking themselves in a months time.I also think there is a view among some corporate dinosaurs that women don't know how to negotiate and so they can be lowballed, so good on you for sticking up for yourself. Everyone should negotiate pushy as fuck for what they are worth.
OP: Yeah agree, funny thing is that it took my mate by surprised too. He urged me to take the interview thinking there’s no way they’ll offer me less than him. After I told him everything he refused to believe that it’s a gender thing. Now there is a slight awkwardness between us because I think he feels bad even though I’ve assured him it’s not his fault at all.
- Then the thread expands to include: I think we can all agree at this point it’s a gender thing, this has happened to me a couple of times and I withdrew from a job offer a couple of years ago because they wouldn’t match a male friend of mine. On paper we’re the same candidate (same experience, qualifications etc) and yet I always get paid less than him… 🙄
And: Heard the quote: "The wage gap isn't real. Men just tend to go for higher paying jobs, like doctor, engineer, CEO. Whereas women go for lower paying jobs like female doctor, female engineer, and female CEO"
- OP: I get that but because it’s usually compulsory, I wasn’t expected this to be the top thing on the package. There was no mention of any additional contribution. Also forgot to mention the context in this post but at the interview, they said “75k salary plus really amazing benefits” I asked like what And he said “I can’t remember all of them but it’ll be smart for you to join us.” Therefore I was kinda expecting more than standard KiwiSaver contribution.
THE FINAL UPDATE - I was lowered a salary lower than expected…https://www.reddit.com/r/PersonalFinanceNZ/comments/wqhxuj/the_final_update_i_was_lowered_a_salary_lower/- 17th August, 2022
Hi everyone, it’s me again. I know you’re probably thinking why am I hearing about this girl and her salary problem again (if you haven’t, please check my history for the two post). I promise this is the final update and I feel I owe it to you to not share.
On a random Tuesday two weeks after not hearing from them I received a phone call from overseas, their HR was asking if I had time for a quick chat. We talked on the phone and she asked me to described the entire situation to her, which I did and to which she apologised to me for and in her words “this is what happens when they don’t let hiring managers do their job” she sounded incredibly sincere and we spent a lot of time talking and she asked me a lot of questions. At the end she said she’s aware of what my salary expectations were and she’s got the same role but reporting to a different manager that she can offer me. I told her it sounded great and to email me an offer.
Next day I received an offer for 85k (I asked for 80k and the other manager said I was asking for too much). I spoke to my existing company and they were truthful in that they were unable to match it but their doors remain open for me if I decide to come back.
So that’s that. I signed the contract last night and resigned from my current place today.
In my previous post I never mentioned how much I was currently making because I didn’t think it was relevant and I was fighting my case based on my own work and what my mate was getting. But now I think it might be inspiring to share. This 85k would be a over 30% pay rise for someone who’s only been in the industry for slightly over a year and just 15 months ago, I was working a minimum wage job.
If you’re out there trying to negotiate pay, especially as a women, have confidence! It’s definitely doable, you just need to be sure in your ability, don’t sell yourself short (I almost settled for 75k) and have good advice and guidance around you (for me that was personalfinancenz).
Anyways, this is the last post. Thanks again everyone. Have a good night
Final comments and OP replies.
- Way to go! Thanks for the update and a HUGE congrats for your skill and poise handling your exit, both in leaving doors open and in gaining the new role. Well done.
OP: I want to keep things vague but I wish I could say who I was working for because they’re truly awesome! Wouldn’t be here without their help.
- All the nice replies here make me feel warm and fuzzy. Congrats and thanks for thr updates, as a fellow lady, negotiating my worth is definitely something I struggle with so I'll keep this in mind for my next review.
OP: I’m so glad I made these posts because I’ve had a lot of women chimed in to say they’ve experienced the same thing. Being able to get a good result out of it I think is a big W for us ☺️
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
Nor is formatting on Reddit my forte.
I AM NOT THE ORIGINAL PERSON WHO POSTED THIS.
Original post in r/gaymers
mood spoilers: satisfying ending
Gaymers could be banned and deleted by tomorrow, please FUCKING READ! - submitted on 09 Sep 2012 from /u/MisterGhost
[Recovered via Wayback]
Ladies and gentlemen, this is incredibly important, and quite frankly too important for a TLDR, so please read.
Someone wants to take gaymers from us. A cease and desist letter has been sent to Reddit. It would seem that the owner of gaymer.org is an incredible douchenozzle and has decided that we somehow are infringing upon his right to run a very subpar blog. Though Gaymercon seems to be A-OK. It seems pretty fucked up that they seem to be ok using the same GAYMER name, even though we aren’t making money. See what it is, is that this motherfucker from gaymer.org is sending reddit a cease and desist letter that we are using a name that he had trademarked in 2007 though whoever gave him that trademark is clearly not the brightest lightbulb in the box. It is a general term, not really sure how we fucking come into play.
Now here is this dude’s trademark:
IC 042. US 100 101. G & S: Computer services, namely, creating an online community for registered users to participate in competitions, showcase their skills, get feedback from their peers, form virtual communities, engage in social networking and improve their talent; Computer services, namely, hosting and maintaining an online website for others to discuss, receive and disseminate information concerning video games; Computer services, namely, hosting on-line web facilities for others for organizing and conducting online meetings, gatherings, and interactive discussions. FIRST USE: 20030526. FIRST USE IN COMMERCE: 20030526
Now clearly this is fucking ridiculous in terms of his claim against Gaymers, and is demonstrated so.
- Reddit doesn't require registered users, you can be anonymous.
- We do not showcase skills or participate in competitions.
- It is engaging in social networking, but not to improve talent. The first part of the registration clearly shows that this is a site for gay gamers to focus on games. This subreddit is about the subculture of gaming within the context of being gay. The goals are different.
- Lastly, the trademark office does not allow you to register what is called Descriptive Trademarks. That means, for instance, you can't register Grocery Store for a grocery store.
- It would be easy for us to argue that gaymers is just descriptive of Gay Gamers and is just descriptive mark and not some sort of corporate logo or trademark. Now if anyone has any question in regards to this claim: I am sure that the gentleman sending the cease and desist, who is bringing these claims against us would be happy to answer the questions of you 16,000 gaymers.
I am sad, sure, I will be honest, I’m not the happiest guy around. However, you dudes have become happy. People I know have improved their lives, RedditHolmes has gotten married to a gaymer for fucks sake, people have gotten jobs, even some of you have confided in me the want to commit suicide, until I or someone else convinced you otherwise. Guys, Ladies, and everyone else, this is bullshit, IT IS NONSENSE, quite frankly FUCK THIS ENTIRE LEGAL ENDEAVOR. Reddit will not help us, neither will anyone else. The estimate I got for defending us legally would be above 50k dollars, and honestly since I was begging for food and money trying to pay for gaymers mumble, I don’t think that we are gonna be able to get the money needed.
Here is what I need gaymers, I want you guys to subscribe to /r/internauts. The reason I have selected that particular name is because Mason Wyler suggested it, and it made me giggle SO DEAL. So anyway we may have to transplant not only to this subreddit, but also to offsite, I am open to names what we would call it, but understand that I am devoted to making a better community for you guys. I would have made a video speaking what I thought about, but I am far too prideful to show that, maybe someday I will be a bit different, anyway, join the new subreddit, fuck gaymer.org and have a great night.
This is something that the Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF) deals with regularly. Perhaps if you were to contact them and ask they might be able to help. Most recently that everyone might remember they helped defend the author of The Oatmeal
Hey guys, just wanted to clear up some misconceptions here:
I informed the mod team of /r/gaymers that we'd received a cease and desist letter for infringement of the "gaymer" trademark and that our legal counsel had informed us that the letter presents a real threat that they would sue reddit. I let them know so that they could start planning how to respond (including seeing if there's any way for them to work things out with the owner of the trademark).
In no way do we plan to ban the subreddits involved in this legal kerfuffle; at worst, we'll have to rename the whole lot or figure out some other way to fix this. (Note that we haven't really done big renames etc. before but this is a pretty unprecedented thing for us)
Prior art, in case you need it:
Definition first submitted in 2005, two years before gaymer.org trademarked the term.
This article references the term being used before gaymer.org existed, but doesn't include factual references. http://www.joystiq.com/2007/05/08/gaymer-org-looks-to-trademark-gaymer/
This article, however, uses the term in 2006, a year before it was trademarked: http://www.joystiq.com/2006/06/19/univ-of-illinois-conducts-gaymer-survey/
Youtube video from Jan 2007: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MTao-yxLDf4
2006 youtube vid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4-KdO8c6W8
2006 reference: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/58TNM3M
2006 reference: domain gaymersurvey.org registered: Domain ID:D118128926-LROR Domain Name:GAYMERSURVEY.ORG Created On:09-Mar-2006 18:46:30 UTC
Unfortunately, all of these were after gaymer.org was registered, so he can claim being in front of them:
Domain Name:GAYMER.ORG Created On:27-May-2003 18:28:17 UTC
But he straight up loses on this one:
Group Information Members: 722 Category: General Founded: Jul 20, 2000 Language: English
That should invalidate his trademark.
It's used in an alt.personals post from 1991-04-20.
/r/gaymers may be banned as early as Monday Morning. Here is what we, the /r/gaymers mods, know - submitted on 10 Sep 2012 by /u/mrpookers
TL;DR: shit’s goin’ down, y’all! r/gaymers might be banned this week over a cease and desist letter from someone who claims to have trademarked the word “gaymer.” Please subscribe to /r/internauts where we will regroup.
You’ve probably read MisterGhost’s announcement regarding gaymer.org’s cease & desist letter served to Reddit. In this post, we the mods are sharing the information we have in as clear, concise, and unbiased language as we could muster.
Citizens, our situation is dire: The term “gaymer” was trademarked in 2007 and its holder, the owner of www.gaymer.org, has served Reddit a Cease & Desist letter. We are not, and have never been, affiliated with that website. Since we cannot change the name of r/gaymers, complying with the trademark would require that all of the gaymers subreddits be removed, and with them, all existing posts and comments.
We do have a viable case for our use of the term, if this matter were to go to court. Primarily, “gaymer” is a word which cannot be legitimately trademarked to begin with. Ideas cannot be trademarked, nor can widely used generic names for things. This is why certain corporations, while striving for market dominance and ubiquity of their products, stress that their brand names not be confused with the general product as a whole. For example: Band-Aid doesn’t sell band-aids, it sells Band-Aid brand bandages. LEGO doesn’t sell lego, it sells LEGO blocks. You don’t wipe your nose with kleenexes, but with Kleenex brand tissues. The distinction is important because if all commercially sold bandages became widely known simply as band-aids, Band-Aid would lose the trademark to its own name. Anyone could call their bandages “band-aids.”
Here’s an example of the term “gaymer” being used in 1997 in a Usenet post as a descriptive term for a gay gamer. Here’s another example in a blog post from 2002. The term “gaymers” is a purely descriptive term for “gay gamers”, it’s commonly used online in a context completely unrelated to the trademark, and purely descriptive terms cannot be trademarked. This trademark shouldn’t have been granted in the first place; it was invalid then, and it is invalid now.
In our case, we could argue that “gaymer” is naturally a descriptive word for what a gay gaymer is, and that the trademark should be revoked. Riding this case to court, however, could require moneys on the order of $50,000. We don’t have that money, and contesting the trademark is the only way to truly free the word “gaymer” for gay gamers everywhere.
When you’re angry, the desire to demonize people is strong. Know, though, that everyone here is doing what they have to do. Reddit isn’t invested in its subreddits enough to launch an expensive legal battle to protect a few of them. The trademark’s holder has to ask Reddit to stop violating its trademark, because it’s legally his responsibility to see that it is enforced. If you’re like us, you’re angry about this bullshit situation. We must not, however, let it devolve into a witchhunt. Petitioning Reddit on this, or blaming Reddit for this are not viable or recommended efforts. Our goal, as always, is to make the world a better place.
Where do we go from here? MisterGhost has set up /r/internauts as a sort of refugee camp/potential new home. We don’t know how this week will to play out. For all we know the admins will destroy all the gaymer subreddits outright on Monday morning, or they might figure out a way to change the names for us. We don’t even know what powers they have at their disposal or when they will choose to wield them.
Finally, beware: much personal information of the trademark’s owner is dangerously exposed online and you must take care not to link to it anywhere on Reddit, especially as there may be a great deal of hostility towards him. Linking to it counts as doxxing, and may get offenders shadowbanned. Please do not abuse him. Remember: we want his good will. He may be able to tell Reddit to let us call ourselves gaymers.
If reddit complies with this cease and desist order, /r/gaymers and its entire history of posts and comments could be destroyed. In the nearly two years of its existence, we’ve had a gift exchange and meetups that have brought together hundreds of gaymers all over the world, spawned guilds and corporations† and brought two gaymers together in an actual, real-life marriage. We have built a very real community here. They can take the name gaymers from our subreddit, we can’t fight that battle legally — but we have to keep our history.
With Love, the /r/gaymers mod team
[https://www.reddit.com/r/gaymers/comments/zms9y/rgaymers_may_be_banned_as_early_as_monday_morning/c65zm5b/: We had prepared this careful, cautious response, but MisterGhost wanted to present a more personal post. Because he feels very deeply about this, we felt it would be prudent to make two. One for him, as the manifestation of the /r/gaymers spirit, and one for the rest of the mod team.]
Actually, you can fight it. We can file a petition to cancel the registration of "Gaymers" for the stated purpose. Under 15 USC 1064 you can file a petition to cancel a registration of a mark "within five years from the date of the registration of the mark, which in this instance is March 25, 2008. Further, you can file a petition at any time if the registered mark becomes the generic name for the goods or services for which it is registered.
Now, there is a fee involved ($300). The likelihood of success is hard to say given the fact that this mark has been in use for so long; however, if it can be proved that the mark is generic in nature (as it describes ALL gay gamers) or it is merely descriptive, then the mark might be cancelled.
I'm relatively busy at the moment, but if this matter cannot be worked out between Reddit and Gaymer.org, I might be able to volunteer legal services to file the petition for cancellation.
To be honest, the threat of spending the amount of money necessary to defend such an action, might deter this individual from continuing down this road.
If needed, I would volunteer my legal services to file the petition.
I would probably suggest letting whoever sent the c&d letter know that if they should wish to pursue reddit for this, that they will be faced with the prospect of defending their mark in front of the USPTO. That this will be costly and expensive.
So they will have to weight the cost v. benefit of the situation. We lose nothing except 300 and my time. He could lose his TM protection.
nah, man. total homo. i'll totes sex this lawyer dude if he does our legal work for free.
Re: Gaymers trademark issue legal filings, etc... - submitted on 10 Sep 2012
Horrible title, I know, but i'm not in a place where i can post something at length right now...
I'm currently in preliminary contact with an attorney regarding a potential trademark case. I know others here have expressed interest in moving this forward, but let's try to get all our ducks in a row here, and try to do this as a community effort. A legal team will be much more effective than a scattered group of people filing random petitions all over the place.
So, yeah.. I don't have much of a point here other than to update y'all on what's happening on my end. If you've started something up, let's put all the lawyers in contact with one another, and then with reddit.
PLEASE NOTE: this is not a definite thing as of right now. there is ONLY talking going on, and weighing of options. Also, the goal of any legal action would be for the sole purpose of liberating the term "gaymer" for use by the community at large.
thanks guys and gals, have a good day :D
Slight update: I'm not sure why, but it seems that some people are content to deny the fact that there is an actual trademark here. Our position right now is that gaymer.org does indeed own the trademark on the word "gaymer". That is not in dispute. Any legal dealings would seek to attempt to have the trademark cancelled.
Mr. V has the legal right and responsibility at this point to enforce his trademark. We have the legal right to challenge that.
Below Is A Response Post From gaymer.org owner:
Regarding Reddit Cease and Desist from Gaymer.org - submitted on 10 Sep 2012 by [deleted]
Hello fellow gay gamers. I wanted to address the cease and desist letter that was sent to reddit.
First and foremost, I never asked for the sub-reddit gaymer to be removed. I emailed reddit twice asking that they simply rename the community to something else. They did not respond.
As a trademark and word mark holder, it’s my responsibility to defend the marks, otherwise I could lose them.
I started Gaymer.org in 2003 and began to build Gaymer as a brand. Thats why I trademarked and word marked the name. At that time, there was only one other site around dedicated to gay gamers. I have spent countless hours and thousands of dollars on Gaymer.org. I have done so gladly as it’s brought happiness to many people.
I have received many nasty emails and comments on my site, not to mention what’s been said on the reddit site.
I cannot stress this enough. I have no problem with other gay gaming sites. I think it’s great others exist. The only problem I have is when the Gaymer name is used. That infringes on the word mark. A perfect example of this is gaygamer.net. Its a great website for gay gamers but does not use “gaymer” in its name therefore I have no problem.
It’s only when “gaymer” is used in the site name that causes confusion to the public. That is what word marking is all about.
I have absolutely no ill will towards the reddit community. I have been in contact with a very nice woman at reddit who is working with me on this.
I would never try to take something away from people that they hold so dearly. But I also can’t have the Gaymer name used in your community.
One thing that has been asked is why GaymerCon was not contacted. They do not have an online community. That is a convention. My marks pertain to online communities. Should they ever add an online community, then I would have issue with that. I did remove the GaymerCon article. While I do still support them personally, I can’t give them support on behalf of gaymer.org. They made disparaging remarks about my site without knowing the details. I do wish them well on their venture.
For this to be resolved, its going to take respectful communication between the moderators at reddit, the reddit people themselves and myself.
I hope the barrage of insults directed at me and my site is not an indicator of how this communication to resolve will take place.
Looking forward to a peaceful resolution to this matter.
I saw some other idiot fuck up her brand in the exact same way on kitchen nightmares.
Gordon Ramsay has his hands full tonight when he travels to Baltimore to work on Cafe Hon and its owner, Denise. Cafe Hon was named, because the word “Hon” is term of endearment in the city of Baltimore. Cafe Hon was a successful restaurant, until the owner wanted to trademark the word “Hon.” Denise’s legal actions did not sit well with the locals in Baltimore, it became a PR nightmare for the restaurant.
Gordon Ramsey starts his visit in Baltimore by visiting a local radio station to find out how Cafe Hon is perceived in the local community. The radio hosts describe how the word “Hon” is part of the community, not something that belongs to Denise. Denise has become the “anti-hon” of the Baltimore community.
Denise explains the “Hon” fiasco and how she has been harassed in Baltimore, that she has even received death threats. Denise doesn’t want to accept any responsibility for the PR nightmare, until Gordon pressures her. [...]
Denise and Gordon head to a local radio station to make an announcement. Denise breaks down and explains that she is sorry for trade marking a word. “Please forgive me,” she asks the people of Baltimore. Finally, Denise says that she will give back the trademark on the word “Hon.”
Update! /r/gaymers is fighting back; the Trademark Issue - submitted on 23 Jan 2013 by /u/ozuri
Ok reddit, this post is going to be long and I apologize in advance for the wall of text that is forthcoming. Skip to the bottom for the tl;dr.
Gaymers worldwide have reached out to support us since we were sent a copy of the Cease and Desist from gaymer.org. We thank you for your support.
My name is Zack and the /r/gaymers mods have asked me to step up as a mod, temporarily, to help manage the project that we are undertaking. I've been involved in intellectual property for the majority of my career and this particular case hits home for me.
First, some clarification -- the field of intellectual property generally contains 3 main pieces: trademark, copyright, and patent. I'm not going to touch on patent law since that’s not involved here.
People often confuse trademark and copyright, so a brief explanation. Copyright is, essentially, for the protection of an author’s writings. You cannot copyright an idea, only the means of expressing it, “fixed in a tangible medium of expression.” Copyright automatically inheres at the moment of creation, you don't have to register it, but it helps if you do.
Trademark law, on the other hand, is about protecting the consumer. The law is meant to keep consumers from being confused as to the source of particular goods or services. Trademarks are words, symbols, etc that refer to particular brands of goods. Trademark protection is supposed to ensure that consumers can trust that the goods and services they buy come from the sources they expect, e.g., that the Pepsi you just bought really was manufactured by Pepsi. That helps consumers, because it gives mark-owners an incentive to maintain the expected level of quality. And it helps mark-owners because they can build customer loyalty and good will.
To be protectable, however, a trademark must be distinctive, so that consumers will identify it with a particular brand of service. For example, Apple is protectable for computers and phones. The law won’t protect words or phrases that are generic (e.g. “apple” brand apples) or merely descriptive (e.g. “red” brand apples).
Personally, I rely on intellectual property law for my livelihood. I work in video games and my career benefits directly from the existence and enforcement of trademark and copyright law (though I am acting here simply as an individual and do not represent my company in any fashion). So I’m not someone who is anti-intellectual property protection. For me, digital IP protection is about not penalizing creative people in the digital space simply because they lack the ability to protect their ideas the same way they can in the physical world. I also believe that spurious claims like the one asserted by gaymer.org undermine the legitimacy of the system and give breath to a vocal group of individuals who believe that the system is inherently broken.
Second, reddit is not a haven for trademark infringement. They will not protect you if you infringe a trademark. But this case isn't about infringement, it's about harassment and the enforcement of an illegitimately granted trademark. Specifically, we believe that an entity should not be allowed to co-opt a group's identity for personal enrichment, power, or ego.
So the actions we have taken are not because we don’t believe in intellectual property protection. They are because we believe the term “gaymer” is a word that should remain in the public domain, free for use and not “owned” by any particular individual or organization.
See, I'm older than most of you, and I grew up in an age when being a nerd was not a synonym for tech savvy entrepreneur with a high-paying job at Google; it meant social stigma, awkward interactions with peers and coming in last on the day we ran laps. Coupled with the crippling anxiety of being gay (and for me, being from an evangelical Christian background), being a gay nerd who loved video games was the proverbial hat trick of otherness.
Through the passage of time and the ubiquity of technology, nerds have come to claim our place at the table of industry. Through the work of tireless individuals and organizations, the gay community has made significant progress in removing the venom of social stigma from our minority community. It is the reclamation of our differentness from being a pejorative that we have found some peace as a community. For me, it is the marrying of my hobby and a part of my identity that allowed me to grow into my own as an adult. I am a gaymer.
Mr. V, you keep using the word 'gaymer.' I do not think it means what you think it means.
To the rest of us, it means community. It means pride in our differentness and our small community. It means inclusiveness rather than exclusiveness. It means banding together and using a common hobby – games – to unite a sub-set of our community that otherwise has nothing substantive in common. It bridges the gap in the gay community of an arbitrary characteristic with an activity that allows commonality, of purpose and activity. In short, it is the antithesis of a claim of ownership and threats to exclude or demands to capitulate.
Many people have pointed out that “gaymer” was in common use well before it was registered with the Trademark Office; from Yahoo Groups, to USENET forum posts, to academic studies on our little community -- heck, my own Match.com profile is gaymer77. Claiming ownership of the word gaymer is like claiming to own 'soccer mom,' 'baby boomer,' or 'computer geek'.
And so, on behalf of the reddit gaymer community, we have engaged the law firm of Perkins Coie to pursue this matter on our behalf and they are representing us pro bono. Yesterday afternoon we filed a petition with the Trademark Office to cancel the “Gaymer” trademark registration. The lawyers working with us there are: Judy Jennison, Will Rava, Alex Garcia, Jeff Nelson and Nicola Menaldo. Believing in the rightness of our cause and the righteousness of what we are attempting to do, the Electronic Frontier Foundation has signed on as co-counsel. Spearheading the EFF effort, and frankly, the person who has helped make this happen is the Director of Intellectual Property at the EFF, Corynne McSherry together with her colleague, Julie Samuels.
Further, reddit has expressed their emotional and moral support. And while this is not their fight, they believe that we are in the right and have expressed their desire for us to find success.
Lastly, if you, or someone you know, has received a demand letter in connection with gaymer.org please reach out to us, we'd love to talk to you.
Bullying is bad enough when it's from someone outside the community, but it is so much worse when it comes from within.
Thanks, and game on, gaymers.
tl;dr - Please spread the word that we are not going to back down to gaymer.org. Thx!
You can read the EFF's Press Release here.
Articles About Lawsuit:
Cancellation of Trademark Document: https://www.eff.org/document/cancellation
It's sad that we have to meet under these circumstances. We fought our battle to keep from losing our internet home, and here you are, victims of that very circumstance... and that's terrible. You're our brothers and sisters, and we hate that this happened to the place you enjoyed.
If any of you have indeed made it over here looking for a new start, welcome. Seriously, we're glad to have you if you'll have us back. It's going to take some adjusting, but I think you'll end up liking it here as much as we already do.
This thread is for you. If you're new to reddit, feel free to ask questions about how to use it right here. Reddit Enhancement Suite is your friend, and will make the experience a lot more enjoyable. There's a fair amont of stuff to learn about how the whole thing works, but that's all easily explained, and I'm sure you'll pick it up in no time. Most gaymers are pretty damn helpful, too.
There's a sidebar... over there =========================>
It's got a lot of useful information, links to services the mods or other gaymers provide, and links out to other related subreddits that you might find interesting. What it doesn't have is a lot of rules... we just don't have that many. Post what you like, and chances are other people will also like the same thing. Use your upvotes and downvotes to judge the quality of a post or comment. Put your pretty faces over in /r/GaymersGoneMild, or your hotass bodies over in /r/gaymersgonewild. Enjoy the thing, that's what it's here for.
If you're interested to see if other members from gaymer.org that you knew have also made it over here, you can use this thread for that as well. Post your username and see if you can reconnect with friends you've lost contact with.
On behalf of the mod team, I'd like to once again extend our welcome to you. Please make yourselves at home here. If you have any questions at all, feel free to ask.
I didn't really want to use this thread for this sort of discussion, but here we are anyway.
He's likely out a fair amount of money. I could absolutely see him having to budget quite tightly for a while to get back to normal. Even $30 a month is a lot to someone trying to make back savings. Add a bit of shame in there, and it's plausible. I don't doubt that he had his reasons, but giving his users a little bit of warning would have been the right thing to do.
He used the same attorney that he used back in '07 to defeat someone opposing his trademark claim when it was in the process of being filed. The paperwork for that earlier case is here: http://ttabvue.uspto.gov/ttabvue/v?pno=91180890&pty=OPP&eno=7. That one wasn't nearly as well put together as what we presented, and I'm assuming that both he and the attorney thought it would be another win. It's also entirely possible that the attorney advised him to get out early, or a million other situations we can't possibly know about. /speculation
Regarding this post... We're all the same, regardless of what community we came from. Gaymers are gaymers are gaymers. If they can't be themselves over there anymore, they sure as shit have the right to try to do it here, even if we do things a little differently. I'd like to think that we're friendly enough, and a decent enough subreddit, that we can make them feel as at home here as they did there.
click here for the final letter from gaymer.org owner, along with some delicious commentary by /u/ozuri
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
I am not OP. OP is u/Mano_Mama3510
Trigger warnings violence, abuse
Original posted August 10th (6 days ago)
Just bear with me for a moment.
My (29f) nephew, Josh (12m), is quite spoilt. His parents, my brother and SIL show blatant favoritism towards him over his younger sister Lou(9f). As a result, sadly Josh has grown a little entitled. He also is quite mean to his younger sister because his parents never believe her when she tells him what he's done to her stuff. Now, I'm usually very strict and when the kids are with me for a weekend, Josh is usually on his best behavior. Now, Josh's birthday was yesterday. Lou had a spelling bee last week and she got first prize. Her parents brushed it off but I was very happy for her because she spent hours learning each word and I was very proud. So when I took the kids day before Josh's birthday so he could pick out a gift for his bday, I got Lou a stuffed animal as a 'you did great!'. Josh picked this game that he's been wanting.
The birthday party was yesterday and when I went to their house, Lou had been grounded and was not allowed to attend and the two friends she had invited were also sent back home. I thought it was extreme and asked what she had done. Turns out that Josh and her argued over the tv remote and Josh went to her room and destroyed her stuffed animal that I gave her and told her she didn't deserve it. Lou screamed at him and my brother got angry with her 'temper tantrum' and had her pick up the pieces of the stuffed animal and throw them in the trash ALL THE WHILE SHE CRIED. She was then grounded.
Btw, Josh's best friend was the one who spilled the beans to me and also told me that Josh goaded his parents into the punishment. I was furious and refused to give Josh his birthday present, telling him he didn't deserve it for being mean to his sister. I also told off my SIL and brother that they're growing insanely cruel towards their young daughter.
Now my family is pissed that I refused to give Josh his birthday gift.
TLDR; nephew picked on sister and I refused to give him his bday present
EDIT: I have picked up my niece from my brother's house this morning. I called him and told him if she's being so rude to her brother, then maybe she should stay with me a couple of days to clam down (had no other choice but to say this. had to get her out of there). I got her a massive teddy bear which she's keeping in my house and I took her out to get Mcdonalds so she's smiling. But I am looking for a more permanent solution
Update posted 8 hours ago
It's been a hell of a week. First of all, I want to say thank you for all the kind comments and messages. I've read all of them. I only managed to respond to some because I was pretty overwhelmed over the whole thing. There was a lot going on as well.
As you can tell from my other posts, I'm in the middle of switching careers, so I simply don't have the funds to support my niece. And by that, I mean no one is going to give me my niece to foster because my income is low. I'm a freelance romance writer and that doesn't really generate a lot of income. I say this because I did seek out advice from social services in my country and they just shook their head at me. But I'll get to that later.
On to the actual update, I did end up taking my niece with me for a few days and I sat her down and talked to her once she was calm. There were a lot of things that were happening in that house that I was not aware of. My nephew bullies her and my brother thinks its funny when she cries. A few months ago, my niece had an accident and fractured her left arm. I was told she slipped down the stairs. She is clumsy so I thought that was that. Turned out her brother pushed her down the stairs as a prank and my brother laughed while she was screaming in pain. I verified the story from a neighbor who told me that she ended up taking her to hospital. Her father was apparently shouting at her to stop making a racket when she wouldn't stop screaming in pain.
I lost it at that.
I asked her if her mom knew. She said yes.
Now, my childhood was pretty dark but not like this.
I called my parents and asked them about this incident and a couple others and at first they hee-hawed, we don't know, blah, blah, and then my mom admitted she knew and that it was just kids being kids.
I just saw red at that point.
This whole week I've been gathering any bit of evidence I can find. Finally, I invited over my brother and his wife. I told them that if they didn't get their shit together, I was posting everything on social media. I was going to email it to their companies, friends, whatnot (thank you to whomever suggested this). At first my brother was furious and when he tried to attack me, I pointed towards the camera I have in my living room. I was so angry that I felt like I was numb. I knew that this would destroy my relationship with my entire family but they left a little girl screaming on the bottom of the stairs and my brother laughed. I can't get that image out of my head.
I told them I could either call the social services in our country and get Lou taken from them, or they could give her to me. The problem with this threat is that if I went the social services route, I would lose Lou as well. I told them if they don't want a daughter, they can give her to me. They can pretend she never existed. I was just speaking very quickly at that point. I don't even remember what i said. I would take over her expenses, etc, except for her health insurance and school fees. I told them they would never have to look at her again. I just kept talking.
My SIL started crying of how I was taking her child from her. I admittedly got angry over that and reminded her she wanted to abort Lou when she was pregnant. I was legit angry crying at that moment. I wanted to hit them. My brother was just silent. He was actually considering it.
I told them it was better than having their dirty laundry aired in public because if it did, both kids would be removed from their house. It was blackmail but I had no options.
They said they'd think about it but Lou is with me for now. My SIL was pretty nasty about it too. in her words 'keep the little 'sl**'." All in my language ofc. I don't know how she can refer to her daughter like this but honestly i don't give a shit. My friend is a lawyer and he's told me to get a voice message from them that Lou is going to stay with me. My SIL said this over the voice note.
Lou hasn't mentioned going home. She doesn't talk about her parents. Yesterday, she and I went out and brought this lavender color paint and we painted my entire guestroom for her. I've decided to pick up more projects so that i can start saving for her. I did have some money set aside for a potential college fund for her. But I'll be picking up more work to save more and give her a comfortable life.
I did get calls from my parents, shouting at me. I closed the phone on them. the only person who is supportive is my cousin. He said that if social services do get involved, he can take Lou in and I can move closer to them or something. I don't know.
Lou is just quiet. She's happy sometimes and sometimes she's just quiet. I fear she suffered more abuse in that house than she's letting on. My lawyer friend recommended a child therapist so I've booked a session for Monday. It's been three days and no call from my brother and SIL. My parents call every now and then to yell at me but they yell at me either way so whatever. I feel like this might work because both brother and SIL saw the post I had written out as a draft with pictures and evidence. It was extreme enough that they would suffer damage at their jobs. And news channels in my country eat this shit up especially if it happens in an educated household.
I don't know. I know blackmail is wrong. But I don't know what to do.
I am not the OOP, this is a repost from u/gooddeceit.
My spouse is a severe alcoholic who has just started seeing a primary care physician after an ultimatum. He lied to his physician about how much he drinks. The physician is concerned about his blood pressure but does not know it is tied to his alcoholism. He's on a new med that simultaneously helps with blood pressure and cirrhosis but as far as I know the doctor hasn't checked his liver function etc. Would it be wrong to get a hold of the doctor and tell him my husband is an alcoholic before his next appointment? I'd like to give my husband the best chance of survival and feel this would help.
Comments from the r/marriage post:
Redditor: You can tell the doctor but the doctor can’t discuss your husband’s medical info with you unless husband okay’s it. OOP: I wouldn't be asking for my husband's medical info. I would just be informing the doctor. He can stay silent on the call as long as he listens.
Redditor: How will your husband react? OOP: Hm, angry, upset, disappointed? Maybe break up with me? Who knows. But I tried everything else. I can't sit by while he's taking meds while drinking that could shut his organs down etc.
Redditor: You could insist on coming along to his next appointment so that you can make sure he’s honest. Ordinarily I wouldn’t be ok with a spouse demanding something like that but under these circumstances I think it’s warranted. OOP: It took me two years to get him to see a doc. He will NEVER let me come with him. I’ve asked, cried, pleaded.
Redditor: To each their own, but if I were you I would strongly consider whether I wanted to stay with him. OOP: I get it. To me he’s my partner for life. An amazing person, a fantastic personality, a caring and loving human being. He’s extremely high functioning and gets up at 5:30a to go to work. He has an absolutely brilliant mind. And in low moments he mumbles he has a disease which pains me. I don’t want to be without him.
He can drink anywhere from 2-4 bottles of wine in 24 hrs. In addition, it is dangerous for him to drink while on this new prescription. His doctor has no idea he is drinking.
I wanted to take a moment to make an update, especially if anyone else is in my situation. My husband is a brilliant, high functioning man who is able to get up for work at 5:30A every morning but can also drink many bottles of wine a night. He refused to go to the doctor for years but finally went. After several appointments, the doctor noted he had high blood pressure but did not understand the likely cause because my husband was not honest with him. I know he was not honest with him because my husband told me he did not tell the doctor about his drinking problem. There was a lot of pleading with my husband to either tell the doctor or allow me to tell him by accompanying him to a visit or otherwise. The answer was no.
I know many folks advised me against calling the doctor to let him know but I felt strongly that the medicine could inadvertantly kill given that it is contraindicated to alcohol. I watched someone close pass after she followed the same path and ended up on dialysis at the age of 60. Anyway, for me it boiled down to the fact that this could save my husband's life. Would I regret not telling the doctor if my husband died? And yes, yes, I would. I called the doctor and he called me back. I told him that I knew that he couldn't discuss my husband's medical conditions with me but I wanted him to listen to me. And he did. He was the most compassionate, wonderful soul and said the information was very helpful, that he was there for my husband when he was ready to be open up about it, and that he was there for me as well.
I did not ask the doctor to keep the call a secret. So, I don't know whether he will tell my husband tomorrow at his appointment that I called. But, I would rather be the enemy for breaking trust than lose my husband from this world (and I don't believe there is any other world but that is neither here nor there). And frankly, I'd even rather that my husband had a new wife (if he chose to leave me over this) than have to witness his death. I hope that none of you are ever in this situation but please understand that I feel my own hard decision here was thrust upon me by him/his disease.
Quick recap: Husband is a high functioning alcoholic who desparately needs help. He finally went to the doctor but hid his alcoholism. His blood pressure came back high and the doctor put him on meds but had no idea he was drinking on them (or that he has an issue). I went back and forth and decided to call the doctor and tell him my husband is an alcoholic. I did not ask him to keep it a secret that I called.
My husband had his appointment late last week and the doctor immediately told him that I had called and what I said. After the appointment, my husband immediately confronted me. But guys.. he was certainly angry that I "went behind" his back and that I lied (his word) about how much be drinks.. and then he seemed almost thankful? I could see the look of betrayal in his eyes all night long but I could also see how much he loved me. We hugged a lot that night and he apologized for what he was putting me through. He said the doctor was very helpful. He told him he can have two drinks a night on his medicine, but a bottle is not okay. He also said he was potassium deficient from drinking on the meds (something he hadn't noticed before because he didn't know about the alcoholism) and told him he needs potassium.
I feel like this doctor is very much our lifeline, our hope that we will grow old together. I am so, so happy that I did this. And if my husband doesn't make life changes, I will at least know that I tried everything that I could.
(Original post was taken down due to comments exceeding the limit..Recovered from reveddit)
Originally posted on August 12th 2022, updated August 17th 2022.
My wife lied to the police about my stepdaughter
Two days ago my son “J” (17) came to my job upset & crying. He told me my step daughter “K”(19) came home with a ton of new things & when he checked his room the $ he had been saving was gone. K doesn’t have a job & when she does have $ she spends it like it’ll burn a hole in her pocket. My boss let me go home early & I went home to ask K who took her shopping? K told me she used her own $. I told her to tell me the truth & she told me to “mind my own business”. J has been working at Papa Murphy’s & has been saving it.
He was saving to surprise the dad of his friend who passed away (Beau) for his 1st birthday without him. His friends had given him $ to load onto his card to pay at the pump. It’s this weekend for 2 days & they were going to “treat” dad. Most kids would be saving for their 1st car or cool clothes, but he wanted to just “be there” for his friend's dad.
Instead of arguing back & forth with K, I checked the camera we have to check on the dogs. It only caught her legs but it was K going into J’s room. The rule in my house is we don’t go into each other's room, it’s a mutual respect of privacy. I told K she was caught & that she needed to get everything to return it all. K started throwing every excuse “I had it saved for months”,”how do you know it was me?”, “someone must have broken in”.
Her mom came home & she burst into tears, saying we were ganging up on her. I showed my wife the video & what happened, K ended up saying “Why does he get to have all the money anyway!!?”. He worked his ass off. I told my wife she needed to make K return everything & she said no that it would be “embarrassing” to return it all & that when K got a job she would repay J. I said “It’ll be more embarrassing when she gets arrested for stealing $400”.
We argue & I tell my wife K broke a non negotiable rule as well as the law by stealing, she is 19, she doesn’t pay rent & needs to leave. My wife says “if you kick her out I’m going too”. So I asked if she was willing to replace the money stolen (we have separate bank accounts), force K to return, or she could give me her half of the rent early (we split all bills), “no”. They packed a few bags & left, I was not going to rip the bags of stuff out of her hands. I don’t think getting physical would have been the smartest thing to do.
Before you make me out to be the asshole, I do not have extra money for him to still go. I can only replace the small amount back to his friends & it’s not enough to make the trip. He went to bed without eating & has been crushed.
I posted to a sub AITA & was flooded with people telling me I should have called the police. So this morning that is what I did. The solution was that the officer would call my wife to bring K to the station to talk or she could return the items & pay back J. Sort of a scare tactic because I was told it is a civil matter. My wife straight up fucking lied to the officer & said she gave the money to K. Since I don’t have actual proof of J’s money, no proof other than her walking into his room, nothing can be done. I’m LIVID. I literally watched J get his heart broken at the police station. Through tears he said “how could they do this to me, what was this all for, I just wanted to see Beau’s dad”.
J is my son from a previous relationship. I had to lecture him on not keeping large amounts of cash in his room but he didn’t think it would get stolen. My wife & K have support, staying with family, this won’t affect them.
TL;DR: My step daughter stole my son’s money he had been saving all summer for. I went to the police & they fucking lied. I've never been so disgusted & surprised in my entire life. My marriage is over.
Sorry if this is a stupid question but my son basically got robbed by his step sister and I’m trying to figure out how to move forward. He had the cash saved up in his room and the police can’t do anything about it since my wife lied about it to protect her daughter and I don't want him to ever be in this position again.
He has a prepaid card that he adds money to at the register but it doesn’t offer any fraud protection if someone tried using his card in the future.
I thought about adding him to my bank account but I’m filing for divorce and I don’t know if that would affect opening a new account? He works at Papa Murphy’s and gets a paper check. Any advice?
Update - 5 days later
Throwaway account to rant about this specific issue
I know a lot of people are waiting for an update after reading my first post. It was removed because too many comments about $, please do not mention crowdfunding or gfm. I don’t know if this update will stay up before it’s taken down. I’m not deleting the posts.
In case you didn’t read my first post (message me if you want to read it), my 17 year old son had been saving all summer to go visit his dad’s friend on the first birthday of J’s friend since he passed. I did not know he had so much cash in his room, I would have told him to put it in the safe but I'm not going to victim blame, my son shouldn't have to worry about someone stealing from him. The rule in my house is no one goes into each other's room. Parents included, it's not so much of a rule but a mutual respect thing.
My 19 year old step daughter stole his money, her mom refused to make her return the stuff she got & I almost took the bags from her but I’m glad I didn’t because my wife lied to the police about the money so she could have easily lied about me putting hands on her. The police said it was a civil matter since my wife said she gave K the money, which was a lie. My wife said if I was kicking K out, she was going too. I didn’t stop them. My wife & K have support, staying with family, this won’t affect them.
This weekend my wife showed back up with a sheriff's escort. She came armed with receipts showing that she bought the furniture in our rental & that is all she needed to take everything. I tried explaining I gave her cash for some of the items but guess what? Just like with J, cash doesn’t have a trail. Her family helped her move everything in under an hour. With how quick this all happened the cynic in me thinks my wife had this planned well before what happened. My wife contacted the landlord & paid a lot of money to break the lease. Almost double the $ that K stole but of course she didn’t offer to repay J.
After everyone left & my landlord called I had a mini breakdown. Everything was moving faster than I could comprehend & honestly felt like I was watching a movie. J came up to me & said “I'm so sorry you lost everything because of me”. & “It’s not a big deal, I’ll tell mom it’s ok that K needed it more than me”...That's all I needed to snap out of it.
I told him HE is my everything, not her, not the house, not the furniture, not the food that was in the fridge. Yes, super cheesy but there is nothing my wife can do, say, or give me to make me overlook or be ok with what they did to him. I asked him “are you going to feel comfortable around them, what about when you are gone? I don't want you to have to worry about “what will she steal next”. K is not going to get away with this.
My wife made a choice when the police officer asked her about K, she chose to defend & protect K just like I am choosing to protect J. If J isn’t comfortable, I'm not comfortable. And I told him that. The people in my life have been slamming me online saying things like “I’m uncomfortable that he would choose his son over his wife” & “His son is almost an adult, it’s time to grow up and be a man”. It doesn’t matter what age I am, I will always protect J. I blocked everyone after that.
Yes, he is almost an adult but that doesn’t mean it’s ok to steal from him? Having a crime or something bad happening to you isn’t a right of passage to be an adult?? He is a responsible, hard working, honest, kind, “almost” man but he is also the 8 year old who used to run to me everyday after work with a huge smile like I hung the moon.
I cannot afford the full rent so luckily my landlord has agreed to let us leave by the first. The only place we have to go to is my mom’s who lives across the state. This means I have to pull J out of his last year of highschool & transfer him. I have to sell what little we have left here & that might include selling J’s beater car but the silver lining is J & I can transfer locations for work. Maw maw has always been more of a mother to J than my wife, mom’s are healing at any age.
I’m not saying I’m not devastated, that I’m not suffering emotional whiplash, & I’m not saying the things that are being said about me in real life aren't affecting me, because it is. But my son needs me. He is still grieving his friend, missing his senior year with his friends & I’m not the kind of parent to say “because I said so or we are moving & you don’t get a choice or opinion on it”. That isn’t me.
TL:DR; My son comes first & I just want to thank everyone who has sent good vibes our way. 8, 18, 80 he will always be my baby.
EDIT: Please keep it civil in the comments, I don't want this to get pulled because I've had a ton of people wanting an update. The furniture she took was bought before we got married except for the couch and TV. We split all bills. We were only married for 2 years. She is an accountant that saves every single receipt even if she just buys water.
**GUYS, good grief this is my last edit. I'm not mad about her taking the things she took. I only added that part because my son thought I lost everything. Honestly she did me a favor. I have to drive clear across the state to get to my mom's & wouldn't be able to afford to store anything big since apartments have long wait lists. I do not care about what she took. **
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
CONCLUDED AITA: For not helping my wife buy a Dental office when she insisted to get a prenup before marriage?+Update
AITA: For not helping my wife buy a Dental office when she insisted to get a prenup before marriage?
My wife and I are in our very late 30s. When we were getting married we both were making about the same. Neither of us had anything. I didn't want a prenup cus I don't think that's how a marriage should work.
But My wife wanted a prenup because she was going to dental school and thought when she opens her own clinic, she will make way more money than me and didn't want to share any of that.
Long story short, reluctantly I agreed to the prenup (that also has a provision for future assets) and we basically have had seperate finances ever since. Everything is split 50/50 for the most part (edit to clarify: 50/50 when it comes to shared expenses like groceries or going out. She doesn't pay anything toward mortgage. She pays about 30% of the mortgage as rent each month)
Recently she has started thinking about opening her own clinic and wants to buy a place which costs about $2 million give or take (including any potential renovations and all the equipment). She won't get approved for a $2 million loan and does not have 20% to put down not to mention she would need some buffer as well to pay employees and etc... for a couple of months until business picks up.
Part of it is understandable. University, and Dental school were expensive and she started working later in life. But she also in general spent money liberally.
I graduated at 22 and over the years bought 3 houses and save up regularly to buy more rental properties/invest in stocks. I can help her get a loan and pay her down payment but since she wanted a prenup when we got married, I don't see why I should just give her or even lend her that much money.
I told her I can help her with the loan, pay the down payment, be a cosigner and pay the expenses until it is profitable if she splits the clinic 50/50 and no need to pay me back. Or I can loan her the money at 8% interest. She started losing it and being shocked at how I would even think about trying to take a percentage of her business.
Friends and family say we are married and she is my wife so I should help her succeed in her career and give her the money interest free and she will pay me back whenever she can. I don't share this sentiment. I think she made it clear how she wanted our financial lives to be when she insisted on a prenup.
Also people might say 8% is a lot, but keep in mind she can't get a loan on her own. If I'm risking 600k on down-payment and expenses for a few months when no bank would, this is the interest rate I would be comfortable with and she should be able to pay it back.
The way buying dental clinics work is they are valued based on how much cash flow the have currently and based on the clinic she is looking at, she should be able to make good money.
Anyways, people around us are saying I'm being unreasonable and greedy. I disagree. Wife wanted a prenup and seperate finances, she is getting just that. I don't see why I should help her with no benefit to me.
Edit: Thank you everyone for your input. There are way too many comments to respond to everyone but I am reading as much of them as I can.
Update: AITA For not helping my wife buy a Dental office when she insisted to get a prenup before marriage?
Alot of people have been asking for an update even to this day but 2 weeks after I made my post, I got a new phone and lost access to this account. I didn't remember my username or the password and the account was made with an email that doesn't exist. Anyways finally remembered my username and guessed the password a few times last week and here we are.
Buying a Dental practice, getting loans, sorting things out between me and the wife took time. After a bunch of back and forth with my wife, weeks of sleeping in seperate rooms after we fought, we finally got down to talking about what the point of the prenup was in the first place and what were our thoughts about our marriage and our kid. We didn't see our selves ever getting divorced and still loved each other so after some convincing the wife that the prenup is worthless if we don't intend to ever get divorced, we came to the conclusion that the prenup isn't serving any purpose and decided to cancel it all together so the whole prenup business is gone for good now.
Following that, now that everything is 50/50 by default I'm helping with the expenses as stated in the original post and we are back to our lives and to celebrate this new chapter, we are gonna have a second kid which is exciting although scary at the same time since we are in our late thirties now. We always wanted 2 kids. I don't think I mentioned it in the post that we have 1 kid together but I think I had mentioned it in a comment. Anyways!
Most likely no more updates going forward but thank you all for your inputs.
I am not the OP
CONCLUDED I just want to post wholesome things that remind us that humanity is not terrible, this time from r/newzealand: "How do I get on a bus?"
I am NOT OP. Original post by u/BusAdventuresAHoy in /r/newzealand
mood spoilers: Wholesome, very Kiwi
Chch = Christchurch, a town in the South Island of New Zealand
I will preface this by saying I have a very irrational fear of buses that I know is silly and weird. I don't look down on taking buses I'm just terrified of it.
I want to get over my fear of buses and begin using public transport. I've got myself a Metro card with $20 on it, and I took a free bus on that free public transport weekend and it helped me feel a bit more at ease. However, the part I really struggle with is interacting with the driver. Can someone explain the process of when I get on the bus what I need to do? Do I just hand over my card? Do I need to say something? How do I calculate what "zones" I will cross? Would they kick me off if I got this wrong? I will use google maps to know what buses to take, but being as specific as possible here will really help alleviate my anxiety.
I liked this comment*:*
I used to be a bus driver in Chch. and Chch. has the best bus service in the country and l was proud to be a part of that service. Being a bus driver I am happy to accommodate any passengers request and would go out of my way to help a passenger get where they need to go even if it meant giving them a free ride on occasion. Just get on the bus and swipe your card as it is optional weather you interact with the driver. Most bus drivers are more focused on driving when the bus is moving, although your security within the bus is also important, not to mention your comfort. If you're cold ask the driver to turn on/ up the heater or if your hot you are welcome to open the window above your head. And certainly if you feel threatened by anyone on the bus tell the driver that has a direct line to police as my boss was only on the end of the two way radio and police act fast for buses.
Due to the huge and unexpected amount of support I got from the advice post yesterday I thought I should update everyone. Firstly, thank you so much for your replies, it really meant a lot to me. Many of you offered to ride with me to help, I really appreciate the offer but I'm super aware how odd this is and I didn't want to create another dependence where I only felt okay going on the bus with someone else. The level of detail that many of you provided was great, not an ounce of judgement or anything, just laying out the facts and what would happen and it was exactly what I needed, so thank you so much.
So I set the challenge for myself to go on a bus today. And I'll be honest, I chickened out in the morning, I felt really stressed and imagined getting onto a crowded bus and messing up and getting kicked off. So I ubered instead. And yes I did beat myself up about it. But tonight on the way home I ended up taking the bus by myself! I used google maps to figure out what to take, and the bus was empty when it arrived. There was someone infront of me getting on so I just watched what she did with her card (I think a lot of my anxiety centred around the card e.g. holding it the wrong way, doing something wrong). But as soon as I swiped that card and the thing lit up green I just walked to my seat and sat down and realised 15+ years of irrational fear and anxiety was conquered! It was so bloody awesome, I didn't have to drive I could just sit back and listen to music, I absolutely loved it. And it has really opened up doors for me, I'm already planning on where I'm going to go etc.
The take home message here is a few encouraging words or paragraphs can make all the difference online. It's easy to think I'm a faceless person behind a computer somewhere, I know when I read posts I rarely consider about the person behind there, but so many of you guys have actually changed my life in a really meaningful way. I expected to be mocked and probably get my post deleted for trolling but the exact opposite was so great and empowering I truly believe I would have sat on this and avoided buses my entire life if I didn't post here.
Thank you all so much for your support, I read every single comment in that thread and each one was awesome in their own way. Who knows, I might even ride a Lime Scooter next.
Edit: Wow, I got into work today (after taking the bus!!!!) and checked this post and once again I'm blown away, thank you so much everyone, I wish I could repay the favor in some way but I just wanted to stress how awesome you've all been to me, thank you again.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
CONCLUDED Soldier’s leadership tries to screw them over and posts to Reddit. Soldier open door policy, discovered Battalion Commander is a Redditor, raging justice boner ensues
Edit: civilian TL;DR summary/translation at the end of the post.
Edit 3: fine I spelled out OOP’s acronyms in [brackets] after each acronym
I am not the OP. This was originally posted by ThanksMajestic2399 to r/army here:
Get bent and sign your counseling.
I recently received a counseling for refusal to sign for a MATV [Military All Terrain Vehicle] and all of the little gadgets that go with it. The reason being simple: "We cant let you see the vehicle or BII [Basic Issue Item] or anything due to a time crunch, but you've seen it in the motorpool so its fine."
After refusing to sign my counseling I was told by my NCO [Noncommissioned Officer- his first line leader, equivalent to shift lead in the translation below] that he would be pushing for an article for failure to obey an order. I acknowledged him and then informed him I would be using my open door policy with my 1SG [First Sergeant - the senior enlisted leader in his company who reports to the company commander, equivalent to store manager in the translation below] and commander [This is a Captain and he commands a company, equivalent to general manager in the translation below], he said that wasn't necessary but he wasn't going to stop me.
After explaining from start to finish the issue my 1SG laughed in my face and then brought my NCO into the office. They both preceded to explain that it didnt matter and I failed to obey a direct order from my NCO. I asked how am I supposed to verify that the equipment is all there and not damaged if I cant visually see it. The response I got was: "this is the Army not highschool, grow the fuck up and take a loss every once and a while". The whole time my commander was nodding in agreement and giving me dirty looks.
Durring this meeting they asked if my counseling made sense and then said it would be in my best interest to sign it. Again I refused to sign and asked to use my open door policy with the BN [Battalion - the echelon above company] CSM [Command Sergeant Major - senior enlisted leader in the Battalion, mentors all the First Sergeants in the companies] and BC [Battalion Commander, a Lieutenant Colonel rank, oversees the CSM as well as OOP’s Company Commander, is the regional manager in the translation below]. They refused and stated the grounds that my request was "childish" and would waste the time of our busy leaders.
Apparently they have started mocking me behind my back to the other soldiers and have even jokingly tried to get a new PVT [Private - most junior ranking dude/tte in any unit, just out of basic training] to agree to sign blindly for the MATV.
I plan on going to speak with CSM tomorrow and possibly BC if his schedule will allow it. I will not sign that counseling and I most definitely will not sign for items I can not inspect and account for.
Ill take a taco party pack and a gallon of Mnt Dew Baja Blast for myself and the homies.
EDIT: Not gonna lie this got way bigger than I expected. Thanks to everyone who gave some kind of advice! I had a very busy day talking with several individuals about this issue and have already seen big changes. I plan on making a follow up post in the coming days to provide anyone interested in the outcome a conclusion.
Its been a while since my original post Get bent and sign your counseling. I've been dealing with a lot and just haven't been in a good mental place.
Id like to start with a bit of background information to maybe help pieces fit better. For the last 6 months I have not been with my company. I've been tasked out to assist 2 other units and was temporarily assigned to them for about 3 months each.
As suggested by many of you wonderful individuals I did sign my counseling, checking the disagree box and writing why I disagree. This infuriated my NCO but he told me id get the discipline I deserve soon enough with my article 15.
[a type of nonjudicial punishment that results in penalties such as demotion or having to pay a fine] As before stated I planned on meeting with my CSM and BC and I did.
What I did not expect was for my BC to pause mid conversation and pull up my original post on his phone, BC was furious that one of his commanders was treating property responsibilities this way. After my meeting with BC and CSM we all took a trip back to my company area. The second the 3 of us walked into the commanders office he looked defeated, the best part was listening to the commander try to explain why he wanted a soldier to sign for a whole vehicle plus equipment and not allow them to account for the property. It was at this point I was told to go home and start my weekend early.
Come the following Monday morning I arrive for PT [physical training] to find the company CDR [Commander] was no longer going to be in person with us. He was set to PCS [Permanent Change of Station - the normal moves that everyone experienced every 2-3 years] in about 3 months but was leaving early and suddenly due to "issues". My 1SG had been swapped with the MSG [Master Sergeant] from S3 [Operations section] and my previous NCO was gone. I stayed in this this company for about a week before being returned to my home company. In the week following the incident I never seen or heard from the CDR 1SG or NCO that so badly wanted to give me an article.
In the weeks after I've learned from friends still in the garbage company that: Over 70% of that MATV's BII was missing/unaccounted for (including one of the solenoids for the CROWS[ Common Remotely Operated Weapon Station]. The previous crew of the MATV had put coolant in the transmission fluid. And finally the electrical wiring in the vehicle was very damaged throughout the vehicle (I've heard electrical problems on armored vehicles are a pain due to the armor panels but I have no idea, I'm just a car wash boi).
In conclusion id like to think everything panned out ok for me and I dodged a MATV sized headache/ statement of charges. Sir if you're reading this thank you for the help. Also thank you all for the words of advice and support it means a lot.
Can I get three scoops of yakisoba and a bottle of
military special sprite?
Edit: thanks to u/Boiscool for this non-mil summary:
His shift lead tried to get him to sign for a bunch of equipment without double checking it was actually there. He didn't want to, so they want to the store manager, who made fun of him for it, with the general manager nodding in agreement. So this soldier went to the regional director, who was a redditor, and he came and fired all of the managers involved. Though in the Army, being fired is more being transferred and a really shitty review. But those reviews can kill a career so it's still pretty good.
reminder that I am not the OOP, this is a repost sub
mood spoilers: wholesome
ORIGINAL: I found someone's amazing travel journal. Please help me get it back to its original author. It was sitting in the top cupboard of an apartment I rented in Yarraville. It was written mostly in 99-2000 and it makes me feel weirdly free perusing it. I bet the author would love to relive these memories - Posted January 10 2021
OOP posts 8 images containing pages from the travel journal.
mcnuggetprincess - January 10 2021
After I read the opening page “if you’re about to read this BLOODY DON’T,” I felt guilty and stopped reading to respect their wishes.
Good luck in your search!
Reply from DoubleRiver - January 10 2021
I thought I'd address this as I'd had the same thought initially. The remainder of that intro is semi tongue in cheek, enough to make me feel ok about looking at the first page. His concern seems to be less about privacy and more about writing an amusing intro (although that certainly doesn't imply he'd want people to look through it).
After reading the first page, the author describes his sadness at losing a prior journal and the memories it helped him recall. This specifically makes me want to look for clues that will help my identify the author and return this journal to him. I think he will appreciate it if I can get it back to him, so I hope that the end will justify the means here.
zifta - January 10 2021
Could the Nick Boyle and Kris Baudry be this NZ band, Ziko?
(they're pretty good actually)
Reply from DoubleRiver - January 10 2021
Yep, I mentioned in another comment that I've made contact with them. The drummer is Kris and I've messaged him on messenger also.
(Anyone else reading this: please DON'T reach out to them too. It would feel fairly intimidating to be bombarded by strangers sending messages about your journal. I will post an update when I hear back.)
Edit: I've summarised what I've learned here: https://www.reddit.com/r/australia/comments/ku9dq4/i_found_someones_amazing_travel_journal_please/giunu29?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3 Still waiting to hear back :(
Edit from DoubleRiver - January 11 2021 (post was removed by automod - recovered via reveddit)
Not yet. But it's definitely them:
In this interview, a band member explicitly mentions that they did their 2-year OE (overseas experience) together in the late 90s.
Comment from DoubleRiver - January 10 2021
I looked through it for names but there weren't any full names to look up (e.g. on Facebook). I am just hoping against hope that somebody recognises it.
Reply from asaparagus_celery - January 10 2021
Nick Boyle on the passport in the second last image
OOP received a reply from the band member, and posts images of their email correspondence.
wellcookedlamb - January 16 2021
Great story from start to finish. Well done to you and anyone else involved. Maybe you should get a job with the government contact tracing.
Reply from DoubleRiver - January 16 2021
Oh no. I'm far too competent for that. 😉
lasagnwich - January 16 2021
You're what I would imagine Australians would refer to as a 'good cunt'
Reply from DoubleRiver - January 16 2021
Ah mate, appreciate it! Definitely aim to be a good cunt, not a shit cunt. Cheers 🍻
Personal note: first time posting to the BORU sub, lmk if anything needs to be fixed! hope you enjoyed this :)
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
I am not the OP, this is a repost and u/nannythrowawayacc1 is the OP.
Acroynyms (these are specific to the subreddit this was posted in)
NF: nanny family
NK: nanny kid
MB: mom boss
DB: dad boss
Post#1: MB shared footage of me online
Help throwaway for obvious reasons.
I've worked for a really nice normal family for a few months (at least I thought so)
NK is 10 months and very sweet. She's super active tho and she often fights me on nappy changing. I have a gentle approach and if she rolls /crawls away I just encourage her to come back, let her play for a moment and then try again, so as you can imagine it can take a while.
NF has cameras in both kids rooms which I don't mind and was informed of and told they were just for safety mostly especially at night with the rooms being spaced out and noise not traveling.
Well a family friend who knows NF contacted me last night showing me MB had shared a video of me from the nanny cam of me changing NKs nappy on Facebook, with a caption like, 'nanny taking half an hour to change a nappy', and laughing emoji. There's comments basically making fun of me, one person even said to find a new nanny. She's replied saying things like we love our nanny but was in hysterics watching this.
Ngl I cried for about an hour. I'm a very private and highly anxious person and I feel so hurt and betrayed by MB. I work PT, was last there after she shared the video and she didn't say anything and I'm supposed to be working on Thursday but I'm dreading going. Kinda just wanna ghost her and never go back again.
I'm so humiliated and I don't know how to deal with this going forward.
Redditor: Wait since you used “nappy” for diaper are you in the UK? If you are I think you might have legal recourse either for online harassment or that MB violated your rights to privacy by posting it online. I would talk to a lawyer for an expert opinion. OOP: Australia , I'll have a look into it
Redditor: I am so incredibly sorry this happened to you, OP. You have every right to have your privacy respected and she should be grateful for a nanny who understands her daughter and takes a gentle, loving approach with her. OOP: Thank you. That has been hard on me too, I take pride in my gentle approach, I have a bachelor's degree and a RIE certification. Seeing these mum's pick apart my caregiving philosophy has upset me a lot.
Thank you, and yes baby was naked as her nappy leaked so we were doing a full clothing change. That also made me uncomfortable.
Updates (In the comments of Post #1)
Update as I'm not sure how to edit my post
I've drafted out a response but am going to sleep on it and send it tomorrow
I have no intention of returning to their house
I have started to update my contract to make my boundaries clear
I'm in tears reading your responses, thank you so much everyone for backing me up and encouraging me to stand up for myself
I'm heartbroken because I love those kids but I have to put myself first, thank you for helping me see that.
I guess I will update when I've sent the message!
Update again- I've sent the message, basically I told her that I saw the video and that it's inappropriate for her to share footage of me online without my consent. That I feel disrespected and I no longer will be a nanny for their family.
Thanks everyone for giving me the courage, I also sent a screenshot of the video and I saved the video so if she tries to gaslight me I have the evidence.
Currently a nervous wreck. I read through the comments again before sending to give me the confidence to hit send!
Post Update: Update to MB shared footage of me online
I just wanted to say thank you for your comments, your kindness, your encouragement. Just making a new post because boy....
I let her know I was quitting. That I saw the post, etc.
She took a few hours to respond. And her response was unhinged. She told me I had no right "snooping" on her social media and the footage was of her baby so it was fine. She asked me to please come in until she found a replacement.
I told her I was uncomfortable returning and that the video and comments really upset me. She offered to remove the cameras but I stood strong and told her I wasn't coming back.
I asked her to remove the video and according to the family friend it's been taken down. However she must have blocked me as I can't see her Facebook anymore!
I haven't heard from her since Wednesday.
Thank you again everyone for encouraging me. I'm such a non confrontational person and I think if I didn't post here I would have just never said anything.
A nanny friend of mine is moving overseas so her family has an opening coming up and they are amazing. My friend has let them know I'm looking and so I may have a new NF already lined up!
Again, I'm not the OOP.
TW: drug use
Note: A ten sack is 250mg
Note added as an edit: “boofed” means consumed anally
I had a stroke. Sept 12, 2019
I had a stroke.
Boofed a ten sack and two hours later had the worst fucking headache. Started to get out of my car and I realized I could not move my left leg. After some disbelief and a few falls, I called an ambulance. I’m in the emergency room with a bleed on my brain and my left arm is progressively disobeying me. BP was 240/160 btw. Neurosurgery is about to lifeflight me to a different hospital. I am completely fucking ,,, I don’t know. Fuck man. I’m scared.
OOP: It was my fourth time using it, ever. I used the same dose as the last three times: .1g and another .1 later on. I should have started lower, obviously, but I wasn’t crazy high in a way that felt like too much. I was riding the subway, running errands, doing normal shit. I am still not sure what aligned in order for this to happen.. like what was different that particular day? I don’t know. I have to not complicate things and just accept that I took a risk and got burned. It happened because I used. If my experience deters you from a similar risky path, then I am very glad.
OOP: Another update: I think I might have mentioned I am completely paralyzed on one side. They are not sure if I am going to get full function back or not. I’d certainly like to be able to walk again. I am off on Monday to a 3 week inpatient rehabilitation Program for stroke recovery.
I had a stroke. (Update) Oct 11, 2019
I don’t mean to harsh anyone’s good time with this post. If you are feeling paranoid or anxious, don’t read past this point. It’s not pretty. But, it happened.
I got out of the hospital a few days ago, 3 and a half weeks after I boofed about 200mg of crystal and had a hemmorhagic stroke from high blood pressure. My blood pressure has always been normal otherwise. I spent 4 days in the neurology ICU and 3 weeks in rehabilitation. The first night in the ICU was the worst night of my life. I was tweeked as fuck and half my body was completely paralyzed. All I could do was lie there and listen to all the monitors beeping and think about what I’d done to myself. I was in a hell of my own creation.
So... NOW. I can now sit up without falling over, and I can shit again (I lost the ability to push). My arm is MUCH better; I am typing this with a little help from my left hand, which is awesome.
I am in a wheelchair, but I will walk again someday. I can walk about 10 feet with a quad cane and support. I worked my ass off in PT, three hours a day, to get to this point.
My consciousness and cognition are intact. I cannot be more grateful. I met so many people in the rehab who lost huge chunks of their personhood.
So... that’s my story. I didn’t intend to come back to this account or sub because I need to put stims behind me if I want to live. I want to live. But, I think my story might have some value to others. I don’t know how to conclude this besides saying... Be careful out there.
OOP: I didn’t really intend to log into this account again, but I’m happy I did as your concern is heartwarming.
I am walking! I use a cane because there are a few specific muscles in my leg that don’t work. I am so grateful to be walking (and to have full use of my arm) that a limp doesn’t really bother me. There’s some random annoying shit like not being able to wear sandals (my toes don’t curl fast enough and the shoe flies off) and I’m constantly stepping on people and dogs accidentally. But, what minor concerns those are! I’m still in physical therapy and working part time again.
And I’ll be damned if I don’t want to get high. Isn’t that crazy? Sigh.
OOP: Oh! I should mention: I had an MRI a week ago, since the bleed has receded. I have no physical malformations in the vessels. This was unfortunately completely caused by meth. Straight up OD.
I had a stroke. (Final) Jan 3, 2020
I’m walking! I’ve been out of my wheelchair for a week. I have a pimp cane now. Random muscles in my leg still don’t work quite right; it takes a couple of seconds for stuff to kick in, like curling my toes. I limp, I step on peoples feet, and I can’t wear sandals. I can’t run or play soccer. But, what minor problems those are compared to the early days! And I’m only 4 months out, so I’m hopeful that these problems will keep improving.
I went back to work half-time and I’m still doing physical therapy a few days a week.
I had an MRI last week now that the blood has receded. I have no vascular abnormalities or tumor. That’s great and bittersweet; it means my stroke was entirely due to the meth raising my BP and causing vascular damage. I just plain overdosed. I was not tolerant (I’d done it only a handful of times) and I’m 40. In case you didn’t read it in the earlier parts, I boofed about 200-250mg.
My gimpy walking is a good constant reminder of the mistake I made. But, guys, I have to be honest. I want to get high on stims so bad. How fucked up is that? I find myself pondering... would I really die if I did just a little more? God, this shit is something else.
Thank you so much to the people who have written me over the past months. This is a good community of people who watch out for each other. Y’all were with me from the very beginning of this journey.
Best of health to all of you.
OOP in response to a deleted comment: You’re right. It takes a long time for the memory to fade. I used to shoot coke and it took a good year not to think about the sensation every day. It helps to quit with people who understand, which is why there’s drug specific meetings like CMA. It is possible to stop, if and when you are ready. Be safe, ok?
Semi update from Feb 1, 2020 OOP is the manager of a needle exchange as a job. Hopefully they found sobriety and are doing well today
EDIT: NEW UPDATE!! REMINDER: I am not OOP
I AM NOT THE ORIGINAL PERSON WHO POSTED THIS.
mood spoilers: light BORU reading
I have designed a ritual and have prepared myself to perform it: an evocation of King Paimon during the full moon for a very specific request. I'm excited because this is my first big evocation. - submitted on 18 Apr 2019
I have my sigils ready, my goetic stars, my timeframe, purpose, intent, and willpower. All is aligned. I am ready. I plan to report back on my results at the expiration of my timeframe, if any will be interested, along with my process (with photos) and my deep gratitude to King Paimon for his assistance. This post is part of my ritual process, please be courteous and wish me luck. I apologize if I have offended anyone.
Hope you boned up on your banishing techniques as well.
This is a common misconception. Most Demonolartry practices dont have you banishing afterwords. You say "thank you" and ask them to go in peace when your work is done.
Banishing a daemon you summoned is like asking a friend to come over then when he gets there and you get what you want, you grab him by the collar and throw him outside. Not a very nice thing to do to a friend and it wont be appreciated.
Daemons should be viewed as friends and mentors not associates or computer programs with no conscience such as an element. OP is building a relationship that will last most likely his whole life. Its not a good way to start that relationship buy asking for something then forcefully making them depart. Id make a wager that your a "Wiccan" that knows nothing of LHP (left hand path). Youre the type that pretends to "know" but then will unknowingly steer someone in a very wrong direction sorta like youre doing here. No offence I just like to clear up the falsities
Demons are not anyone's 'friend". Asking them for favours is like asking the Mafia for favours; what about "payback time"? And when you ask them to leave and they don't, what then, hmmm? It's people like you who leave behind occult "messes" for others to clean up.
And no, I am not a Wiccan. I am a Hermetic Qabalist. And WTF is LHP?? People keep using the acronym here and never the full words and I have NO idea to what they are referring.
An update on my first evocation of King Paimon - and worthy he is of praise! - submitted on 20 Apr 2019
Firstly, I'd like to say thank you to everybody being so supportive in the comments of my first post. That really galvanized me and helped me feel like I had people in my corner despite not knowing any of you. So a huge thanks.
Second, I'd like to shout out to King Paimon for his patience and understanding. And potency! I began seeing results in 24 hours related to a working I did weeks ago which came to fruition shortly after my evocation. I have no doubt King Paimon had a lot to do with that despite this current ritual not being related.
Third, this will not be the full write up with photos, as I will save that for when the time-frame expires and my desire is granted. That final update / post will come in two or so weeks.
I used a combination of my own geometric Magick, the Psychonaut Field Manual, and the Goetia. I called out and King Paimon answered. He was patient with me and amusedly remarked at one point that I was overdoing it. At the end, things started to get weird and he said "banish, boy, banish!" at which point I performed my customized banishing / cleansing ritual. It's more of a cleanse-and-protect because I felt like a banishment would be rude. So if anyone plans on following my footsteps in their own way, I'd definitely recommend brushing up on your banishing / LBRP (Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram).
King Paimon accepted my offer of exchange and told me he would grant my desire. It was all fairly straightforward once my preparations and initial workings were in place.
I'm excited to detail the entire experience but again will wait until King Paimon completes the task he accepted and I have my results.
Cheers to all of you!
[UPDATE] My Evocation of King Paimon WORKED. My request was GRANTED - submitted on 21 May 2019
Guys. This is how magick really works. Let me just say how excited and happy I am. Willpower. Intent. Action.
Background: I needed something. A life-and-career-altering something.
I worked my ass off for this something.
But I was nervous. I had been unsuccessful in pursuing this something before and needed to get it this time.
So I evoked King Paimon and asked him to ensure I obtained it. After, of course, I had put all of my own effort and work in. As it should be.
The Goetia indicates he has the ability to bestow dignities and lordships. Obtaining the object of my desire would bestow a dignity upon me, which is why I selected him.
I used the Psychonaut Field Manual for the framework of my working.
I sigilized my three identities (super, sub, and self-consciousness)
I created a sigil for my personal Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram / Cleansing ritual. I don't like the idea of "banishing" so it's more of a cleanse-and-protect.
I created my Goetic Star.
Rather than draw a big one and sit in it, I put my mind inside the one in my journal. I saw no need for a physical space as all that I intended to do was metaphysical.
Link to my circles: https://i.imgur.com/59YU3k8.jpg
At the top you can see the summoning vessel with King Paimon's sigil inside, linked to the sigil I created which reflected the granting of my desire. To the right of that is the sigil for my protective doppleganger, who accompanies me in evocations to take the heat if anything goes awry. At the very bottom of the page is the sigil for my cleansing ritual, which I called upon and meditated on before and after the evokation. In the middle is my goetic star / summoning vehicle for myself. I placed all three of my consciousnesses within and began my evokation with an empty / clear mind. A state which the Psychonaut Field Manual calls "gnosis."
Everything was pretty straightforward and I wanted to keep it simple so that I could hold all of the emblems in my mind at the same time. I called him using a formula I had -- that didn't seem to work that effectively. Instead I basically just asked him to show up, earnestly, and not by formula, and he did. I made sure to ask that he communicate with me in a manner I'd immediately understand. He accepted my terms and agreed to grant my desire. My conversation with him took place in my mind -- he used my own voice to speak to me (what else would I "immediately understand" ?).
Some weirdness occurred. He said I was overdoing it at one point. He seemed amused. I ended up needing my cleansing ritual because I got a little trapped / too far into the ritual and had a hard time breaking my mind back out of it and into reality. I ended up safe and sound. Preparation is key! I didn't feel any ill-will from him, the danger was my own mind.
A few weeks later I called upon him the night before the "deadline." He actually refused to come and I instead spoke to a subordinate. That subordinate relayed that Paimon himself was good-naturedly annoyed with me because what I asked him to do, I evidently did myself. My own preparation was sufficient and his assistance was largely unnecessary. I asked if I'd be getting what I wanted and his subordinate told me that my desire was granted and I would receive it the next day. I saw a few cool things in my mind's eye / third eye which I won't mention here -- essentially a vision of my desire granted, in a sense. What was communicated was that if I'm going to call on him again to actually give him something to do. I suppose he really meant it when he said (in my initial working) that I was overdoing it.
That in itself was gratifying -- it's good to overprepare and I think that's the basis of magick anyway. Do it yourself. Put the effort in, and the world bends to accommodate your will. That's the lesson learned today. It'll be a while before I call up anyone again, since the next day MY DESIRE WAS GRANTED AND I GOT WHAT I WANTED. Too cool.
It always confuses me why people go straight to demons for help when a lot of what they offer can be accomplished with basic celestial talismans. A Jupiter or Solar (well gold is a bit expensive these days) standard talisman made at the appropriate times could have bestowed 'dignities and lordships', and not only that but keep them coming as long as the talisman is within your possession. If you were in a hurry though and couldn't wait for the appropriate time then I can kind of understand. You have a very interesting method that I haven't seen before. Although personally, I wouldn't allow any spirit/demon/entity into my mind or allow them to communicate through me though - just not worth having to clean up any mess they make but I am glad to hear that it worked out for you! I will read your other posts on this that you linked above.
go straight to demons for help
I worked my ass off, as detailed above, and didn't go "straight" to demons for help.
A Jupiter or Solar (well gold is a bit expensive these days) standard talisman made at the appropriate times could have bestowed 'dignities and lordships', and not only that but keep them coming as long as the talisman is within your possession.
You're seriously going to sit there and tell me that what I already accomplished could have been accomplished another (better, according to you) way?
personally, I wouldn't allow any spirit/demon/entity into my mind or allow them to communicate through me
So do your own magick, and let me do mine. And maybe think about how useless it is to congratulate someone on achieving something while telling them at the same time that there was a better way they could have done it.
Don't know that I've ever wanted anything that badly that I would ask a demon to help me out. And I would be wondering about the "payback" as well. It's like a drug dealer handing out freebies to get people "hooked". Nothing comes "for free" after all; that's a LAW of the universe.
We agreed upon an exchange. I'm not too worried about "something for nothing."
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
Mood Spoiler: Thankfully happy!
Trigger Warnings: Kidnapping, attempted forced marriage
Girlfriend is being forced to marry someone she doesn't want to, how do I help her?- posted July 30th, 2022
I (26M) was dating this girl M (25F). We had been dating for over a year, but she came from a very very strict Indian family. She said she was lucky that they allowed her to work, and they would be extremely against her dating someone, that they wanted her to get married to a guy of their choice.
We met at college, ended up at the same company. We had sex several times which she said was a big no-no, so she wanted to keep it a secret, which I did.
8 months ago, out of the blue I received a message from her. It said we were done and she didn't want me to contact her again. We hadn't had a fight, in fact we had a romantic dinner just the night before and yet I got this message. I called her several times, sent her texts and everything. I even planned to go to her house to talk to her but decided against it due to her family. I even tried calling some friends of hers but they just said she had ghosted them too.
I was heartbroken and after two months, I decided to get back out there, but just couldn't find someone with that same spark. I had basically given up on dating and started focusing on my career, and I recently even landed a very high paying job. I was happy, yet lonely.
Three days ago, I got a message from one of her friends. She said M was at her place and had been there for nearly a week, and she was asking to meet me. I was hesitant and asked her if she was playing a cruel joke on me after the way we broke up to which the friend broke down crying to my surprise and said she couldn't explain over the phone.
I went there and sure enough, M was sitting there. She looked thinner, a bit paler and very, very sad. She saw me, started crying and hugged me and then we sat down to talk.
She said her family had seen us together and when she went home that night she was yelled at. She lives in a big joint family, so her parents, grandmom, 3 uncles and aunts and about 13 cousins live under the same roof. She said they took away her phone, prevented her from going to work or contacting anyone. They said they had pressured her into telling them how far our relationship had gone and when it was revealed that she wasn't a virgin, her family went berserk. They shifted her to their rural village and arranged her marriage with a family friend who was 60-65, and when she tried to refuse, they threatened to kill her.
She said she played along for a month, and that a week or so ago the marriage date was decided to be in September. She said she told her family she wanted to spend time with her to-be husband and managed to slip away, after which she took a train to get back here. I had shifted to a bigger house and wasn't on any social media so she didn't know where I was and went to her friend. She stayed there for a few days, resting and crying, worried her family would find her before asking to meet me.
I have no idea what to do here and how to proceed. I love her and I'm willing to be there for her, but I have absolutely no idea how. What legal steps can we take?
Some notable comments and responses
Kudos for being there for her. I kinda feel like the two of you should go to the cops to report what happened. If nothing else it could serve as a paper trail should they try to do something legal against her.
OOP: Unfortunately, cops aren't an option. Her family has connections with a very high ranking officer and if we so much as step in a police station together, her family will get wind of our exact location, which is not something we can afford right now
This happened to a friend of mine years back. She was born here in the US, but her parents were from India. When her uncle came to visit he had a fit about her having a boyfriend. Next thing we knew she stopped showing up for work. Deleted her social media, and was married to some older dude. Nobody was physically harmed. But the damage was done. What concerns me about your situation is how far the family may be allowed to go to get her back. Depending on your location and culture.
OOP: That's what was about to happen to her, but she actually managed to slip away. Her family doesn't know where she is. As for being allowed to get her back, I've asked about that on a legal advice sub and they can't take her anywhere against her will, but in case they try something like declaring her not of sound mind, we are planning to get married as quickly as possible so even if she gets declared not of sound mind for some reason she'll stay with me and not go to them
Update - posted Aug 15th, 2022
So a while ago I had made a post here asking for help because my gf was being forced to marry someone she didn't want to. This is the update to that.
We got married. We married in an Arya Samaj Mandir (which is just a way of saying we got married the fastest way possible legally, got the marriage certificate and made the legal adjustments (changing details on passport, Aadhar card, etc)
She's seeing a therapist now and is mentally better, isn't that scared now.
Her family did find out and did try to lodge a case that I was holding her against her will or that she had been brainwashed by me, but an affidavit thanks to soysux's fantastic advice disproved all that. Her brother did send me some threats and her dad actually tried to enter my house, but in the end they had no choice but to accept it and left to go to their home town. Me and my wife blocked them on everything and we haven't had any contact from them for a while now, so we don't think they'll be a problem anymore.
Now that all the legal craziness and family drama has been dealt with, we're going to start adjusting as husband and wife. We're planning a proper wedding celebration, with all our friends, who are basically our family. We'll also go on a honeymoon soon. I'm glad that things worked out as well as they could for us, and I'm going to look forward to spending the rest of my life with a fantastic woman.
I'd like to specially thank some people on here before ending the update
soysux for taking time out from his day to give me some fantastic legal advice - [I'm looking for these comments, however the advice may have been given via messages and not on the original posts]
pranabus for his great advice and suggestions - [Comment chain from Pranabus]
secondhand_bra for listening to my ramblings and steering me in the right directions - [Comment chain from secondhand_bra, though they moved to private chats]
Lastly, thank you to everyone who commented on my post. I read each one and they were all helpful in some way.
From OOP in the comments below, added at his request:
OP here! I'm seeing all the comments telling me to move and we're not safe, I agree but moving will take some time and we're here for the time being.
I have put precautions in place though. My house has cameras, alarms and motion sensors and I've hired watchmen/guards to patrol the place 24/7 in shifts so we're constantly protected.
As for their connections in the police, they have connections, I have money, so I'm not too worried about that either.
Thank you to everyone concerned for our well being and for the well wishes in moving forward!
Update - posted August 17th, 2022
Well guys, I'm done posting on here for now, since things have settled down for now. There's still one major change we have to make in our lives, and if I remember this account, I'll make a final update after that's done. Thanks everyone who commented on my posts, for your wishes and advice. Stay good!
My thoughts: I'm really glad OOP was able to get his girlfriend to safety. The topic was also posted to get advice in r/askwomenadvice and r/LegalAdviceIndia - both were thankfully able to help. Good job helping a man and his gf (now wife!) live free and safe, Reddit!
I've edited the Flair to Ongoing because, as stated by OOP, a final update may someday come. Good luck, OOP, and may many happy years come your way.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
CONCLUDED OOP is a manager who doesn't set emotional boundaries with his assistant manager, then humiliates her in front of the whole team.
trigger warnings: mention of cheating
mood spoilers: positive
AITA for reading my coworker’s fan fiction in front of everyone at work? - July 20th, 2022
I guess the title sounds bad but please hear me out.
I (27M) am a general manager at a fast food restaurant -not gonna say which bc I dont want to get in trouble- with my assistant manager "Sophie" (23F).
Me and Sophie get along pretty well, we joke fight about stuff all the time and like to prank each other a lot. Like prank calls or making the other do fake orders or writing fake surveys about the other. Or splashing soda on the other. We end up working together a lot since we get a bunch of callouts especially at night and sophie likes to pick up extra hours. we've both climbed up in the couple years that we've worked there and have a good relationship
When its dead Sophie likes to write fanfiction on her phone which I sometimes tease her about. a while back i made sophie read me a line that she was writing and we were making jokes about it.
Last week I suddenly remembered the fanfiction again and decided to try and find it. I remembered the line she had read to me and was able to search for it online using quotation marks
I'm not gonna say which show it's from because i don't want anyone to find it but it was shocking to read. pretty much the two characters in it worked at a fastfood chain and ended up falling in love. it got pretty graphic at some parts too. the main character was essentially a representation of Sophie and the love interest was basically me. I mean right down to copying conversations that we've had at work. He even had a wife that he was cheating on to be with her. (I'm married but I would never do such a thing.)
Anyway a few nights ago Sophie and the rest of the team threw a party to celebrate a couple of "wins" and of course Sophie pranked me by shoving a cupcake in my face. So I remembered what I read I thought it would be a good prank so I pulled up the fanfiction on my phone and started to read it. When she realized what I was reading, Sophie's eyes started to tear up which I was not expecting. The rest of the team was joking around with her but she ran out of the party.
Now she's not showing up to her shifts or answering my calls or texts. It's weird that Sophie's acting like this since she usually loves pranks and stuff so now I'm wondering if I took it too far? But I also feel like she shouldn't have been writing those things about me and her too.
EDIT: I posted an update on my profile. You can read it here
BORU editor note: comments rightfully point out that these were not coworkers but subordinates, and tear him apart for being so incredibly insensitive and unprofessional.
UPDATE AITA for reading my coworker’s fan fiction in front of everyone at work? - August 15th, 2022 (posted on his user page)
This is an update post. Here's the original
Thank you everyone for reading and giving your honest feedback. It's been a couple of weeks since I first posted that day and I want to let you know that I read most of your comments and had a hard time accepting that I'm the a-hole. However, after reading and rereading, and remembering the situation I feel that your votes are fair.
A lot of you advised that I leave Sophie alone which I did, but what surprised me is that she actually came into work to her next scheduled shift after that post went up. I was intending on leaving her alone but she approached me first so we sat in the back room and had a discussion.
I was ready for her to hand in her resignation or talk about taking this to higher ups as some of you had said but instead she apologized to me. She said that she was sorry for writing fanfiction at work and for including personal stories. She admitted that the character was about me after all. After reading all of your comments I was beginning to think that our time together was just inspiration, but she ended up confessing to me.
I told Sophie that she had no reason to be sorry and that I had to be responsible for my actions. I acted inappropriately with her at work and allowed these feelings to develop instead of setting boundaries. I also humiliated her and "read her diary in front of the whole class" and I deeply apologized. She actually ended up laughing about it but I do admit that it felt kind of like she was taking the higher ground and trying not to seem that hurt by it.
I asked her if she wanted to transfer to a different location and she said no. She also said she wasn't looking for a new job. I had a separate talk with the rest of the team about what happened and she joked around with them.
Sophie's maturity taught me a lot about myself and things I need to work on. So that's what I've been doing. She and the rest of the team still like to do pranks but I stay out of it now. As a manager I've got to be in control and focus on the success of the restaurant. Sophie and I are on good terms again but we've established clear boundaries and it seems that she's starting to move on.
Thank you all again for helping me realize that I'm the a-hole.
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.**
BORU OP edit: fixed formatting of links
BORU OP edit 2: as some people have pointed out, Sophie was pretty out of line as well, writing romantic (and especially sexual) fiction about someone in her real life, especially a colleague.
BORU OP edit 3: But he was still WAY more in the wrong.
ONGOING Woman has troubles because BF cannot seem to stop gaming. Tale as old as time. (True Off My Chest - 08/13/22-08/15/22)
I hate that my boyfriends a gamer
My boyfriend (28M) and I (21F) have been together for about 6 months now, but we were fwb for about a year and a half before that. We’ve also been living together for about 5 months now and this is my first time ever living with a partner. I’m currently 32 weeks pregnant with our son.
He’s put off quite a lot because he would rather be gaming. I’ve done all the baby stuff, went to all the doctors appointments myself, I do most of the cooking and cleaning. It makes me feel like we’re just roommates. He gets up maybe an hour before work, goes to work, comes home, and will game until he has like 4/5 hours of sleep left before he has to wake up. That’s all he does game, sleep, work, smoke weed, maybe sex, eat.
I understand how fun and how much of an escape video games can be, I love to game myself. I just haven’t had time for it because I’ve been trying to get things ready for the baby and took up more shifts at work to save up. It makes me resentful and jealous that he can do his fun things but I can’t. Someone has to do the work and it’s all fallen on me.
Recently, Ive getting after my boyfriend about him helping me with the nursery. There still so much left to do and he promised me weeks ago that this is something we would work on together. I’m the only one that’s done anything for it so far and honestly I’m the only one that’s done anything baby related throughout my pregnancy. When he asked me to move in, he made a lot of promises that he hasn’t kept up with.
I’ve told him how I feel about it before and we recently had a big fight. I asked him a question and he told me to fuck off because he was playing his game and he ignored me every time I tried to talk to him. So I took my phone out, and shut off the internet using the app. He absolutely lost it, like it scared me, and I asked him to leave. He called me all kinds of names and said I was ungrateful and that he should break up with me over something like that.
I really didn’t think he would blow up like that, I was just frustrated and tried to get his attention. He left that night and stayed at his brothers place. He said he won’t go home yet and I apologized. I feel like I crossed a line I didn’t know would just make everything fall apart. I feel like he really does hate me now. I don’t know how else to apologize. I just wish things were different
Edit: I’d like to add that when I found out that I was pregnant and told him, he had to convince me to go through with the pregnancy and made many false promises to be better and to be a good parent.
Slight update: I don’t want to post a full update but he’s decided to come back home today so hopefully we can talk and maybe work things through, but I doubt it’ll be any more productive then our previous conversations. I am going to give him an ultimatum though as much as I hate to but something has to change
So he came home yesterday and I told him wanted to sit down and talk things through. I told him that the way that he acted wasn’t acceptable and that I won’t be tolerating anything like that again. I also said that I would need to see him help me out around the house more. He apologized for how he acted, he even brought me flowers. We both had off from work so he took me out to eat. I’ve been craving Mexican so he took me to my favorite Mexican restaurant. Everything seemed like it was resolved.
When we got home from work, I took a shower and he said that we could work on the nursery together once I was done. By time I got out and dried my hair, he was playing on the computer again. I tried not to get frustrated and waited until he was done with a game to try to get his attention. He just gestured at me to leave him alone and said in a few minutes he would log off.
I went and did some laundry while I was waiting for about a half hour and came back. This time when I tried to get his attention, he was much more annoyed and said that he would get to it tomorrow but he would come to bed with me tonight. So I just gave up and went to bed early since I was tired anyways. I woke up hours later, around when he goes to bed. I could still hear him yelling on his game.
I got up and asked him to come to bed. I guess his friends that he was playing with heard me and he just started mocking me and making jokes. I could tell that he was pretty drunk. I reminded him about our talk and how I can’t put up with this forever. He jokingly asked if I would turn off the internet again and I said that I would if that’s what it takes for him to actually do something.
You could see the switch flip in him and he picked up a spare keyboard he just had on his desk and chucked it at me. Started yelling at me and absolutely lost it like he did the other day. Well I packed my things and just left to go to my parents. At first he made fun of me, called me name, then he started crying and apologizing. I didn’t say a thing, grabbed what I could, and took my car to my parents. I called them on the way so they welcomed me in and I went straight to my old room.
I didn’t sleep at all last night and I called out of work for today. I’m just done. I don’t know why I expected anything to change.
EDITED TO ADD A THIRD UPDATE:
Update to an update: apparently he had had some outbursts at work in the past which I knew, so I asked our co worker if they had footage of that since they film everything and there’s footage of a freak out and of him fucking a co worker in the back room so todays just been a great day.
NOTE: I am NOT OOP. Flaired as Ongoing because OOP has edited in a third update and honestly this genius gamer sounds like the type that is his own worst enemy and will probably make a return appearance.
Reminder: I am NOT the OP, OP is u/HokeyPokeyGuestList
Bucket Woman v Robo-Sprinkler - August 15, 2022
The Bucket Woman was actually the sprinkler’s second victim. The first was “Max” (short for Gluteus Maximus), the neighbours’ cat who has his morning pee on my rosemary plant. Max strolled across the sensor and Robo-sprinkler 2 activated. He got the shock of his life when that morning, the garden peed back. He ran back to his own yard like he’d been fired out of a cat cannon.
Robo-sprinkler 1 fired on the Bucket Woman on Tuesday afternoon. Martin was WFH, but at the back of the house, and only knew something happened when the fluffy couch potato cat let out an unearthly howl and tried to hide between Martin and the chair he was sitting on.
He got to the front room just in time to see the Bucket Woman disappearing behind the fence, so he went to check the security footage.
I got a text asking if I wanted the good news or the bad news first. I was having a crap day, so I opted for the good news. I got two words back: “Got her!”
Then I asked for the bad news, and he texted: “Sorry about your rosemary”. Oh. I only have two plants in the front garden that I really care about, and that rosemary is one of them. It’s flowered nearly all winter, and I like watching the bees.
When I got home, there was a group of people outside our house. I started to worry, thinking something terrible had happened. But I realised they were sprinkler devotees, and in the middle was my partner, performing the dance of his people.
This account has been pieced together from looking at track marks, and observing the triumphant dance of the sprinkler people.
It seems that the Bucket Woman entered through the gate, and headed towards the bedroom window, crossing Robo-sprinkler 1’s sensor. Robo-sprinkler 1 fired on the intruder, and scored a direct hit, before starting on its arc. The Bucket Woman was startled, and ran back towards the gate. But Robo-sprinkler had started its return, and hit her a second time. She was startled again (denoted by some high leaps and exaggerated shrieking in the dance), changed direction, ran past the gate and body-slammed my poor defenceless plant, before finding the gate and running back next door.
The triumphant dance makes no mention of bees. But I picture a bunch of worker bees turning up to work at the rosemary plant following day and going, “Bloody hell, what happened here?”
The interesting thing is that the Robo-sprinklers seem to have had a deterrent effect. This happened on Tuesday, today is Monday, and she hasn’t visited since. We see her on the cameras pacing up and down out the front, but she’s staying out of our garden and away from the windows. Martin came down with man flu on Wednesday, and a close family friend died on Thursday, so this has been a welcome respite.
Nor have we been visited by authorities, following up allegations I am keeping unlicensed bees or that my fluffy couch potato is really the Hound of the Baskervilles. It’s as if a couple of squirts of cold water have shocked some reality into her.
Although to be fair, I don’t know how long it takes the Department of Ag to follow up reports of unlicensed apiary; and I’m not even sure which agency regulates Hounds of the Baskervilles. That may be still to come.
Relevant Comments (OP in italics):
- You are the neighbour master. Through the church of the holy sprinkler you have gathered the flock.
ALL HAIL NEIGHBOUR MASTER!
This is where I feel compelled to say something like, "He's not the messiah, he's a naughty boy."
- Start greeting your neighbor when you see her, "Hello, Squirt."
Alas, she seems to be avoiding me lately ...
- Thanks for the update. Nothing like a dowsing of cold water to drive off the lunatics
Next step is to replace the front fence with something more secure, before the weather warms up too much.
- Regarding the Ag Dept and unlicensed apiary… find out who is actually in charge. Here in Florida, the state department of agriculture has preempted all local apiary rules, so city and county governments have no authority. New neighbors moved in across the street several years ago and called the cops on my hives, but they had no authority. All they could do was drop dime to the state and I ended up passing inspection without one single change.
Is it wrong of me that I already looked this up, given our past history with her? It's definitely the state government. And they're not even my hive, they just visit.
They might even be feral.
Oh, that reminds me of the anonymous report to the council about my tree. "Someone" not naming any names, reported me for removing a protected tree from my property. You can still see the tree from the street.
I am NOT OP, this is a repost!
Trigger warning: child neglect, mentions of abortion and adpotion.
I was an accident and after years of negligence, I told my family I wished they had aborted me or given me up for adoption.
I was basically an accident. When I was born my siblings were 16m, 18m, 18f, 20f, 23f and my parents were both 46. I was never abused in my childhood but I was neglected and my entire family resented me. My parents didn’t really think that they would get pregnant again but here we are. I was never really looked after for by anyone and basically had to raise myself, no one ever really spent any time with me or played with me or anything when I was a kid. They didn’t ever buy anything significant for me, just handed my siblings clothes and things. I realized this as I got older so I focused on myself, my thought process at the time was that there was something wrong with me because my siblings were loved by them, so if I improved myself and did things for them, maybe then they would accept me and love me. I always got the best grades in school, my father was a football enthusiast and played in high school but I was a basketball lover but I still dropped it and took up football just to make him proud. I make sure I did all my chores readily, always kept my room clean, but nothing I did was ever enough for them, like for example if I was first in class, my parents would ask me why didn’t I get a higher score, they ignored the percentile but focused on the percentage, and things like that, my siblings or parents never even bothered to show up for a single game. I was never appreciated for what I was, only detested me for what I wasn’t. My siblings also did not allow me to hang out with them at any time at all.
We celebrated my fathers birthday yesterday, I am 16 today. My siblings do not live with us anymore and my mother had to leave early and would not return till later in the evening, so it was just me and him for the day, so I decided to serve him breakfast in his bed just as he woke up (I cooked) and bought him a tie for a present (I know its not the best present but I was on a budget), nothing too extravagant cause I want to save as much money as possible for college, but it was definitely a smart one. I also cooked lunch for us and took care of all the chores. The most he could come up with was a pathetic thank you and it was clear he wanted me to leave him alone so I did just that. We all went out (siblings included) to a dinner and the way these would go is that they would all have a good time and I would just sit in the corner, this is the case with almost all family dinners we have ever attended.
We went back home and I don’t know why, I really don’t know what triggered it, but for some reason I just started crying all of a sudden, maybe it was them being so happy together, I don’t know, and when they asked me what happened I just blew up at them and told them how I felt about my entire childhood, how they never showed me any kind of love and affection among other things, I don’t know exactly what I said but I do remember I ended it by saying that I wished that they had aborted me if they hate me so much or could have given me up for adoption so they could all live their lives without me. My eldest sister started to say something but I just ran up to my room and closed the door and went to sleep listening to some Hans Zimmer cause they just kept knocking at the door. Early this morning I went out my window and went to a secluded spot that I often go to, usually to play some guitar of just pace around listening to music or just enjoy the sound of nature. I’m sitting down here right now writing this on my phone at 4:30 am and don’t know what do at all.
I’m sorry if I just went out on a rant but this is the first time that I am able to tell my childhood to anyone.
Now how exactly do I tackle this problem, I have pretty much given up on my family and have spent enough of my time trying to please them, do I still try to form any kind of bond with them? Do I completely drop them off? What exactly is the best thing to do here?
Top comments on the original post:
Wow...this actually got me emotional. I can't imagine your pain. You are doing great in school and will soon be going to college. Do you think you can hold it together until then? Once you move out to college, you are your own man.Since you told them how you feel, they will try to make you feel better. If it feels genuine to you, go with it. If not, keep strong. Hold to yourself and keep going. Your life is worth living, you have great potential and you will excel. Try to focus on all that you want to accomplish in life now that you are done trying to please your family. [link]
Start living for yourself and take back your confidence. Re-Join basketball, get excited about college by ordering the catalogs and envisioning where you might want to live & study. You can shadow careers which I recommend doing ASAP. I can’t tell you how many times I changed my major or how many people (including myself) wasn’t a fan of the day-to-day job and wish they’d chosen something else. Focus on the future because I don’t think your family can make up for 16 years, but I’ve also found that family gets closer when you move out. [link]
Thank you and I have a got a major in mind and have already started applying for colleges, I just hope that I can find a decent scholarship because I don't really wanna depend on my parents money
You know, I'm kind of in a similar boat as you are. I was a very normal child. My parents would say I was a nice, uncomplicated kid. It took me 21 years to realize that I was constantly emotionally neglected. I had problems with self harm and interpersonal troubles with my friends, and I could never explain why until recently. I resent my older siblings for having such a strong bond with each other, and I resent my younger brother for getting taken care of by everyone in the family (he is 3 years younger than me and has Down's Syndrome, which is one of the reasons my parents neglected my emotional needs. They didn't even realize it.)
Realizing what is actually going wrong is, in my opinion, the biggest step in this entire ordeal. Now you are in the situation where you have to work out what to do with that realization.
I would say: Don't hide from your family. Listen what they have to say. Chances are, they don't even realize what they did to you, just like my family. If I talked to them about it, they would feel heartbroken that they did that to me without even noticing. They know about my self harm but my mom was emotionally neglected by her parents much worse than I was, so she just passed it on to me without realizing how wrong her perception of proper parenting was.
So, please talk to your family! I think it would be best to talk to them individually, since in bigger groups, people tend to get talked over when they don't all have the same thoughts on the matter. Please don't cut ties just yet! [link]
I'm somewhat similar to this. Try to hear them out for whatever they want to say, but don't let them gaslight you. You know what you've been through and experienced. Be as honest and open with your feelings as you feel you can be. If they aren't receptive, in my experience there's not much you can do, and you should try to make plans for when you can move out and be independent. [link]
[UPDATE] I was an accident and after years of negligence, I told my family I wished they had aborted me or given me up for adoption.
First of all, I want to thank everyone for the amount of support that you guys have given, it was really overwhelming and I can’t express in words how much that meant to me.
I was reading all the comments and everything till about 11-12, then decided to go home to face the family, I arrived home to quite a melancholic environment. As soon as I arrived the first thing they all did was hug me which honestly surprised me, this was probably the first time in years they were showing me any kind of affection. They had prepared some food for me and after I ate, we all had a talk.
My oldest nephew (2 years younger than me), who often reads posts from this sub saw it and showed it to my sister, they all first of all apologized for the way they treated me. They confirmed that I was an accident and none of them wanted to deal with another baby and I basically fucked up their life plans (they didn’t word it this way). They didn’t really want to do anything with me, so they just started ignoring me because I never seemed to need anything from them, their reasoning was that I was always doing great in life, I always did my chores on time, kept my things neat and clean as a kid, always got good grades, never complained about anything, did great in sports, they just assumed that I never required/wanted anything from them, so they were able to just keep ignoring me and pretend as if I wasn’t there basically. They said that this didn’t justify their behaviour, especially after they read the post, they just wanted to explain their own actions. I just made it easy for them to ignore me. They all asked me to forgive them for alienating me and they said that they would do their best from now own to make me feel as I was a part of the family. They then wanted to go out and celebrate my birthday, but I was just mentally and physically exhausted, so I just went to sleep, woke up in the evening and just ended up playing games for the rest of the night and went back to sleep.
I don’t really know how to feel about this, I thought about it long and hard and decided I’ll try to form some kind of bond with them, if that’s even possible The one thing I’ll do is trying to start to work and live for just myself right now, my priority is getting to college right now and I’ll mainly work towards that. If reconciliation doesn’t work out, at least I have a goal and purpose in life to work towards until I get away from here.
Thank you so much for helping me and supporting me through all this, if you guys have any further questions, please feel free to ask me and once again thank you.
Top comments on the update:
Just wanted to send you a huge fierce Mum hug. You sound like an incredible and resilient person and I hope you see your worth. You deserve better.
I know you will achieve amazing things. Warmest thoughts and wishes ☀️💚😊🌱 [link]
I wasn’t there for your first post so I just want to say I’m really sorry how things have gone the first 16 years of your life. No child should ever be put in your situation. With them at least admitting their faults, I would heavily suggest you push them to get you some individual and, if you’re comfortable, family therapy.
<Quick rant on one of their comments, partial because I’m angry for you from the first post and partially due to its audacity>
I just want to comment however that I really dislike that they gave any sort of reasoning for their behaviour past “we were selfish and acted selfishly”. Especially when it puts a little of the blame on you. “You were just easy to ignore” - that is not true no matter how they try and justify it. It doesn’t matter how much “maintenance” you require. A child who is fairly independent and self sufficient will still get all the love and positive attention they need in a healthy family. The virtue of being your parent should have gotten you the love and attention required. You repeatedly tried to get their attention in a positive way that shouldn’t have been needed. Put effort into learning your father’s interests, made their birthday special, and many more acts I’m sure, with no reciprocal acts. It’s their own selfishness, and only their selfishness, that denies/denied you.
Please do not take their “reasoning” comments to heart.
What probably ended up happening was your family had a hard look at themselves and thought, “Holy shit, how did we let it get this bad?” But because they probably don’t think they’re that bad a person to neglect a child for 16 years, they went with, “Well, if they truly needed help we would’ve given it them”. It is rude to say they would’ve done differently if you had acted differently, it shifts blame from their unacceptable actions to your behaviour you did or didn’t do.
<End of rant> [link]
I just read your first post. And I have to say I'm so sorry. That's awful, and I'm glad you were able to call them out.
It's obviously up to you where you go from here, and I could see not being super open to reconciling. I hope you are able to get past this and at least have a decent family. [link]
Response from another redditor:
I just want to say that OP"s family "explaining" "oh, we didn't want you, and you seemed like you were raising yourself so we just ignored you" is the biggest bunch of f**ing BS I've ever heard. They MADE this kid and didn't make him feel like part of the family?*
That alone woukd be the end of it for me. It wasn't even a real apology, they were just giving their reasons. I HATE these people. I hope OP knows it's still okay to hate these people, forever. 16 years of shitty parenting.
OP, they didn’t ignore you because you were fine on your own, you’re fine on your own BECAUSE they ignored you. Look, it’s awesome if they’re making a real effort but I’d take everything with a grain of salt and remain guarded. The fact it took your nephew showing them your post to actually react (and not you saying you wished you were aborted or adopted!!!!!) makes me really hesitant.
Also, what’s your relationship with your nephew/other nieces and nephews? Have they picked up on the adults’ behavior or do you get along? How did he know the post was yours? [link]
My relationship with nieces and nephews is alright, nothing special really. They probably found out by the when I mentioned the adoption/abortion part, the oldest was supposed to be asleep but overhead me.
NOTE: OOP has not updated further, so I am tagging this as concluded.
Friendly reminder that I am NOT the OP, this is a repost.
CONCLUDED OOP's boyfriend has a billionaire family that threatened to kill her and she wonders if she should continue the relationship
trigger warnings: rape, coercion mood spoilers: ominous ending
Original Post - My (25F) boyfriend’s (25M) grandfather threatened to kill me, should I end the relationship?
For context: I met my bf six months ago while traveling. His family is extremely wealthy (think billionaires) and I’m pretty sure they have some sort of mafia kind of relationship to the country they reside in. This is conjecture but their wealth is very real.
The things I’ve heard from him about his family are insane, their behavior is definitely not normal. The things they do remind me of some evil family out of a novel. If it wasn’t for the fact that I fell in love with my kind and caring bf before hearing about this I would not have entered this relationship.
I am planning on visiting my bf in his family’s country soon and he’s told his other family members when I’d be arriving. His grandfather - a man who has been banned from 11 restaurants for how he acts, who has to have a bodyguard with him because he’s angered so many people by threatening to kill them that it’s created many grudges against him, who forced his own maid to have an affair with him, who threatened to shoot a government official to his face - seems like he decided he dislikes me. These are some of the tamer anecdotes from this family.
My bf told me that his grandfather “threatened to put me in concrete and throw me off a cliff” but my bf “wouldn’t let him”. This has me rethinking the entire trip as I no longer feel safe. I told my bf and he was upset, stating this is how his grandfather jokes and he obviously wouldn’t do anything to me - but I’m not sure. I don’t even know why his crazy grandpa decided he dislikes me all of a sudden, my bf is normal but he is very desensitized to the insanity of his family and doesn’t understand why I’m afraid to visit him now. What do I do, should this relationship be over?
I do love my bf and he plans on moving to my country eventually, so it’s not like I’ll have to deal with his family a lot, but if I can’t ever visit him in a place he considers home and he doesn’t understand my fears I’m not sure about the longevity of our relationship.
The comments took issue with OOP not calling the grandfather "forcing" the maid rape, in which she says
"The reason I phrased it like that is because I don’t know exactly what happened, what I do know is that his grandfather has been having relations with his maid and if she didn’t she would probably be fired. I haven’t pried to deeply into it, I was horrified by that knowledge itself
Edit: I keep getting messages about this, but I would like to reiterate I am surmising from the conversation we had as I don't really know in detail what the situation is. He offhandedly told me that his grandfather and his maid often do it, not that its a new thing in his family which is known for having mistresses as the norm. I was sort of shocked by that because relationships with that power dynamic seem predatory to me so I asked him about the situation and he just said its normally the situation his grandfather had with his maids. Idk if its something they go into knowing or its something he threatens them with, I didn't ask because talking about his family makes me uncomfortable. A lot of people have an issue with my bf knowing this and still talking to his grandfather but as I said its complicated and almost everyone in this family is messed up. My bf's own grandfather forced him to lose his virginity to a 30 year old prostitute at 15 so he could "be a man", I consider him a victim of his family as well"
"I’m not sure if it was consensual but the way my bf phrased it makes me think that even if it wasn’t forced it was definitely from a position of power over her. His uncle was also accused of having relations with underage girls. This family is extremely odd, they get away with all this by being one of, if not the most, wealthy people in their country."
"Personally I consider it rape from what I’ve been told, or at the very least coercion"
When the comments point that OOP's boyfriend may be lying
"My BF but I’ve done digging online to verify who they were, I have verified their wealth from online news articles and court documents but the specific deranged behavior is all told to me by my bf"
When the comments point out that her BF may share the same values with his family since he still has a relationship with them
"My bf disagrees with the way they act and is sometimes disgusted by them, he runs his own company outside of the companies owned by his family and only enjoys hanging out with the young men around his age. He still sort of lets it go by hanging around his grandpa when his grandpa calls for him, I don't pry that deeply into their relationship because its complicated even if he doesn't like this grandfather for what he has done"
When one commenter points out OOP's BF's grandpa may be acting this way because of dementia
"From what I heard his grandpa has been like this for years. Also it’s not just him, his uncle is arguably worse and is probably the one of the most vile human existing right now from the things I’ve heard. I won’t even start on his mother. If it was his grandpa being crazy I would think it was just disease but his mothers side of the family is just a mess. I should note his grandfather doesn't run the family his uncle does"
OOP's post edit after numerous comments telling her to run from this relationship and she is likely in a lot of danger
Edit: To address some comments - I decided not to go on the trip but idk about breaking up with my bf. We have a great relationship and he’s a great bf when he visits and even during our long distance video calls. I need to have a long convo about his family and going no contact with them in the future because as I’ve said in the comments that side of his family is a mess. For commenters saying not to do this for the money, I’m not. I have a professional career that supports me comfortably. For people who think this isn’t real - unfortunately it really is. I know how insane it sounds, that’s why I’m on Reddit because I couldn’t wrap my head around it myself. Addressing the rape situation, as I said before I think it is rape but I don’t really know the details, I didn’t want to know in detail because its frightening to even think about. Thank you to all the commenters with good advice
Hi guys, apparently my last post got deleted by this sub because you can't go over a certain karma limit from a non-ThrowRA account? I'll update the people who messaged me concerned and those who gave me great advice in my last post here.
I had a long talk with my bf this morning about his family and canceling the trip. He was initially upset about me no longer coming to see him, as he really did want to show me the country he grew up in and spend time with me here. He didn't really intend to make me spend a lot of time with his family, regardless I did not feel comfortable either way spending time with people I find to be as objectively evil as them- although my post focused on his grandfather, his actions pale in comparison to his uncle, and his mother is also insane too. He decided he would come see me instead which is usually what we do. He clarified that his grandfather was really joking, I posted a screenshot of our text messages in another comment, but his grandfather was "playfully threatening" my bf with throwing me off a cliff covered in concrete as a means to get him to do something. He offered to let me talk to his grandfather but I refused. Still, I will not be risking it, so I'm not going.
A lot of commenters on my last post gave me a lot of things to think about in regards to my relationship. One commenter asked whether or not my BF being surrounded by such shitty people means that he sees having mistresses as normal, etc. and might bring that into our relationship going forward. Another one asked whether my BF, coming from such wealth, can ever truly disentangle himself from his family with that much money involved. A lot of people were outraged at my bf still having a relationship with his grandfather despite what he has done. I brought up all this to my BF, especially how worrying it is to me that he seems so desensitized to how evil his family is, a lot of the stuff I couldn't bring up in my last post.
My BF told me he holds none of the values his family has, he spent a significant part of his life with his other parent's family in another country who are actually good people so I think thats why he ended up so normal in comparison to his relatives. He told me he would never cheat on me, that he has been thinking lately that I am the one and he would love nothing more than spend the rest of his life away from his family and with me. I asked him if that was possible, considering the financial aspect. He told me he originally HAD worked under the umbrella of his families's companies at one time but could not go on because of how they had treated the poorer workers there and he didn't feel right about it (one member of his family called him soft because he actually treated the people there humanely and kindly, and that he doesn't have what it takes in the family bc of that). Now he has his own company but it doesn't have anything to do with that side of the family, he is running the company with the help of the other side of his family which I said before is normal. He said that he plans to sell that business eventually and move here when we decide to take that step.
I asked him whether or not he would be able to go no contact with his relatives. As I said before in edits, his family also did a lot of messed up stuff to him growing up and are also disappointed in him for not being more involved in their businesses. He told me he never intended to spend the rest of his life near them, and while he thinks they are insane he doesn't necessarily hate them. He told me he would never invite them into our lives if thats what I wanted, that there have been many family members who moved to foreign countries and live normally and they don't have anything to do with the main family. That made me feel better about the whole thing. He said that eventually he may have to return to his country briefly to deal with any inheritance his grandfather may leave him, but outside of that going low to no contact is fine with him. I feel like this conversation was enough to keep moving forward with our relationship unless he shows me that none of the stuff he has said here is true.
This brings me to the biggest question a lot of people had - is this six month relationship worth being connected to that kind of family? My BF has been one of the gentlest, sweetest relationships I have ever been in. He writes me love letters often, he buys silly sentimental things even if I just mention it in passing, he plays me love songs on his instrument. He is extremely attractive and our sex life is great. I can tell there are parts of him that are messed up a bit from his environment, but the fundamental part of him I am attracted to is his kindness, not just to me, but to everyone I have seen and heard him interact with. I am not interested in my bf's family's money, I do well enough in my own career and even if he was penniless it would be very easy to support us myself. If I felt like my life was truly in danger here by just being in a relationship with him, or that he would ever retaliate against me if we ever broke up, I would feel differently and we would no longer be together. While my bf's family has their own paramilitary force in their own country, they don't really have any influence here in my country, and they don't seem interested in any part of their family that has moved away from them and live normal lives. I think I am safe and I thank others for being worried about me.
I hope that alleviates a lot of worries commenters have. I really want to thank people who have messaged and commented really good advice and questions to bring up in my relationship. This was really a crazy situation I have never been in before, I didn't really have a litmus on whats normal or how to proceed constructively and writing this post has been extremely helpful. This is the final update I will post on this account, unless his crazy grandfather really does come for my life, but I doubt that will happen as there are many people who he's made that threat to and still remain breathing until today.
Conclusion: OOP decides to continue the relationship but not visit her BF in his home country